Colored People webseries (Directed & written by Coli member ghostwriterx) EP04 is up!

[Atsym Sknyfs]

OK .. let's think long term here... santuary was a webpisode that SyFy picked up...

What network do you figure this could work. that might help the writing style and might also help you taylor it to a particuliar audience/executive...

I wanna donate all my Coli Cash to better support @ghostwrierx's effort being in expensive LA... if you where in NYC, i could've gotten you a couple of conference rooms and maybe a lobby or 2 to use

HEY ... I read the credits ... you played the layed off man carrying the box

 

[Atsym Sknyfs]

co-creator is my wife.

Want to keep working on this if the response is good. Have 10 written in all, want to do some rewriting and try to produce those as well and maybe a pilot.


The company is a HR consulting firm that specializes in diversity training.

Thats what I was trying to get at... its a firm that specializes in diversity trainning but Evan is telling them they also will do their resume and about specializing in diversity layoff law suits.. I was just trying to say keep the company as just diversity training ... no need to mention the resumes or other stuff.. Or have them say they work with law firms that do x,y,z ...

I need to find out how to forward these to my brother and sister since i dont facebook, twitter, etc .. I only text them ..

 

[ghostwriterx]

OK .. let's think long term here... santuary was a webpisode that SyFy picked up...

What network do you figure this could work. that might help the writing style and might also help you taylor it to a particuliar audience/executive...

I wanna donate all my Coli Cash to better support @ghostwrierx's effort being in expensive LA... if you where in NYC, i could've gotten you a couple of conference rooms and maybe a lobby or 2 to use

HEY ... I read the credits ... you played the layed of man carrying the box

Good question, was thinking something like Adult Swim or FX. Also think it could play well on Netflix, maybe Starz (we think of the show as a cross between Party Down and the Office)

 

[Atsym Sknyfs]

Good question, was thinking something like Adult Swim or FX. Also think it could play well on Netflix, maybe Starz (we think of the show as a cross between Party Down and the Office)

The only problem I see is that it will get old real fast. They show up, give the class and then they're out.. after 10-15 episodes its gets old.. is it a different company every episode? because the first 2 are the same company and by the way it ended I think episode 3 will also be in the same place

If its the same company why not rework the episodes and turn it into a independent film for sundance in the same vein as an updated Office Space (I know that's how GBF got its funding)

 

[TheGodling]

Didn't think the second episode was all that great, in particularly because there was simply too much going on. You had the uncomfortable atmosphere of an awkward diversity training, then all the lay-off stuff was thrown in and pretty much interrupted all the diversity training jokes. You should've kept the plot simpler, at least until you've made the audience more familiar with the main characters and the workings of the company. This is the first time we (the audience) see the team in action and you made it too hectic too fast. And as @StraxStrax said, don't make the characters too stupid. There's a thin line between a character being incompetent but likeable and being stupid and annoying. A character like Evan should know better than to walk into a meeting twittering or texting, it automatically makes it harder to take him serious whatsoever.

Also, make sure the old black guy calls someone a cac in the next season.

 

[steadyrighteous]

Good question, was thinking something like Adult Swim or FX. Also think it could play well on Netflix, maybe Starz (we think of the show as a cross between Party Down and the Office)

I think of all the networks you mentioned, it feels more like an FX (FXX to be specific) show.

Starz aren't really doing 30 minute comedies if I remember correctly, although something like this would have been a good partner for a show like Party Down.

I haven't watched episode 2 yet, but I'll check it out later today and give feedback.

 

[steadyrighteous]

A'ight..

1. The reaction shot after "We are Colored People" - A+

2. Damn Jada is fine.

3. The effeminate/Hispanic character is a bit of a played out stereotype IMO, even for a show about stereotypes.

4. Evan constantly saying "Colored People" is hammering it home a bit too much.

5. The "I wish a n- would" line almost played well.

Overall I'd say that if this was a network presentation and I was an exec I'd see the bones of a good show. I think I can see what you're going for, but it kinda swings between dry and sitcom-style humour a bit too much. Some things hit well like the reaction shot I mentioned, then you get the odd line where it feels likes for a split second they're waiting for a laugh track or thinking "This is where we'll get a laugh".

One example is, the "I wish a n- would" might have hit better if instead of standing up and declaring it like she was in a sitcom, she stayed seated, turned slightly away from the action and said it under her breath/still audible enough to hear and you caught her reaction the way you caught the black chick in the beginning reacting to the name of the company.

To me, the difference between a multi-cam and a single-cam is:

Multi is "set-up - punch - set-up - punch" and single shouldn't have punchlines as much as reactions (verbal or non verbal) to set-up's. You can pay-off a joke or a set-up without it feeling like a punchline and I think that's a bit of what is holding this back a bit, but like I said, I think I know what you're going for and I'mma go there with you.

 

[trick]

Didn't like the second episode. It seemed like you tried really hard to put in a lot of one-liners and punchlines in there and it felt forced. It was very fast paced but at the same time it felt like nothing happened and I didn't really learn anything new about Jada, Rizwan or the latina chick. There wasn't a lot of focus on the main characters and I didn't like the secondary characters.

 

[SlowPaceThrillah]

Liked some of the lines: the white guy with his "hour late" jokes (and his AA meeting bit), "like looking at detroit", the audience starting to get hype when the Rick Ross song played, reaction shots. The racial jokes were for me pretty on point but possibly at the expense on polishing up the non racial dialogue.

Main problem I thought was that by the end it felt like we'd seen more character development for some of the audience members than we did for the main cast. Like other have, I felt the lay-off sub plot overwhelmed the situation a little, and Evan's behaviour seemed all over the place and hard to swallow.

I miss Wardell too.

Are you planning on giving any of the characters running story arcs over the course of the show? I don't know but maybe have one team member be the main focus of each episode so we know where they're coming from a little better?

Still

 

[Dirty Sprite Legendary]

dope show
also noticed old black guy was in Oz at 4.48 LOL

 

[ghostwriterx]

Liked some of the lines: the white guy with his "hour late" jokes (and his AA meeting bit), "like looking at detroit", the audience starting to get hype when the Rick Ross song played, reaction shots. The racial jokes were for me pretty on point but possibly at the expense on polishing up the non racial dialogue.

Main problem I thought was that by the end it felt like we'd seen more character development for some of the audience members than we did for the main cast. Like other have, I felt the lay-off sub plot overwhelmed the situation a little, and Evan's behaviour seemed all over the place and hard to swallow.

Yeah we realized after watching the footage that audience was more interesting than the cast at times. This was our first day of shooting so there were definitely some hiccups, things we would have done differently etc.

I miss Wardell too.

Are you planning on giving any of the characters running story arcs over the course of the show? I don't know but maybe have one team member be the main focus of each episode so we know where they're coming from a little better?

Still

The next two episodes are a little more focused on one character. When we shoot some more we're going to try and incorporate some running storlylines/arcs. These first 5 are kind of a hodgepodge and us getting a feel for the process/characters.

 

[ghostwriterx]

A'ight..

1. The reaction shot after "We are Colored People" - A+

2. Damn Jada is fine.

3. The effeminate/Hispanic character is a bit of a played out stereotype IMO, even for a show about stereotypes.

4. Evan constantly saying "Colored People" is hammering it home a bit too much.

5. The "I wish a n- would" line almost played well.

Overall I'd say that if this was a network presentation and I was an exec I'd see the bones of a good show. I think I can see what you're going for, but it kinda swings between dry and sitcom-style humour a bit too much. Some things hit well like the reaction shot I mentioned, then you get the odd line where it feels likes for a split second they're waiting for a laugh track or thinking "This is where we'll get a laugh".

One example is, the "I wish a n- would" might have hit better if instead of standing up and declaring it like she was in a sitcom, she stayed seated, turned slightly away from the action and said it under her breath/still audible enough to hear and you caught her reaction the way you caught the black chick in the beginning reacting to the name of the company.

To me, the difference between a multi-cam and a single-cam is:

Multi is "set-up - punch - set-up - punch" and single shouldn't have punchlines as much as reactions (verbal or non verbal) to set-up's. You can pay-off a joke or a set-up without it feeling like a punchline and I think that's a bit of what is holding this back a bit, but like I said, I think I know what you're going for and I'mma go there with you.

Yeah, we're definitely going for dry humor like the Office, but it comes off too sitcomy at times. Need to do more rewriting to work that stuff out in the future. Its tough to work on the actual working once you start the production process as that takes up most of your time.

 

[ghostwriterx]

Didn't like the second episode. It seemed like you tried really hard to put in a lot of one-liners and punchlines in there and it felt forced. It was very fast paced but at the same time it felt like nothing happened and I didn't really learn anything new about Jada, Rizwan or the latina chick. There wasn't a lot of focus on the main characters and I didn't like the secondary characters.

I think there's some good stuff in this one, but as a whole you may be right. We tried to do a lot, maybe too ambitious.
I think the next two are the best we did as we kept it simple.

 

[ghostwriterx]

Didn't think the second episode was all that great, in particularly because there was simply too much going on. You had the uncomfortable atmosphere of an awkward diversity training, then all the lay-off stuff was thrown in and pretty much interrupted all the diversity training jokes. You should've kept the plot simpler, at least until you've made the audience more familiar with the main characters and the workings of the company. This is the first time we (the audience) see the team in action and you made it too hectic too fast. And as @StraxStrax said, don't make the characters too stupid. There's a thin line between a character being incompetent but likeable and being stupid and annoying. A character like Evan should know better than to walk into a meeting twittering or texting, it automatically makes it harder to take him serious whatsoever.

Also, make sure the old black guy calls someone a cac in the next season.

Yeah, chalk that up to first day jitters. That was basically improvised on by the actor and we never corrected it. We were a little too hands off as producers. Definitely a learning experience

 

[ghostwriterx]

The only problem I see is that it will get old real fast. They show up, give the class and then they're out.. after 10-15 episodes its gets old.. is it a different company every episode? because the first 2 are the same company and by the way it ended I think episode 3 will also be in the same place

If its the same company why not rework the episodes and turn it into a independent film for sundance in the same vein as an updated Office Space (I know that's how GBF got its funding)

Was thinking a different company every ep. If you've ever seen Party Down, that's a good example. Never thought about a movie, not a bad idea.