Bitter Black Men: redefining manhood (long read)

[Gaara]

This was originally posted in the Salon and its from a woman's perspective. It spawned from watching black women complain about bitter black men and my own posts about "bytchass men".

I am a lover, not a fighter. I don't attack people. That's not my style. In my experience, attacking people puts them on the defensive and stops them from even attempting to listen to your point. Instead I try to put myself in people's shoes using empathy, making connections. If we (black women) realize where black men are coming from, we will stop name calling and start understanding.

It is not a how to prevent bitter black men / What are black women doing wrong thread. We have enough of those. It's about how do we do right.

Okay

 

[CinnaSlim]

Ill say this tho the reason alot of dudes do not open up is because when you get into an argument the women in the heat of the moment will bring it up and call you bytch ass nikka.

For whoever did that, I apologize. That's a low blow and I would never fight dirty with someone I love.

That's why both sides need to learn how to have healthy relationships. We can't build until we do.

 

[The Devil's Advocate]

After dealing with a lot of bitter black men, and women complaining about bitter black men, I have had an epiphany.

The complaints and insults, the whining and fighting, were actually cries for help.

Black men have a lot on their shoulders, obviously. But one of the issues I haven't been paying attention to is their emotional and mental issues. I am a woman and I have been a child so I know those experiences, it's why I am passionate about helping women and children. The unique experiences of black men haven't been at the forefront of my mind because I have no personal experience with them. Instead, I see black men as strong, masculine, leaders, protectors and defenders. I used to be at emotional, whiny, passive, victim -claiming black men. Looking down on them and insulting them. I didn't realize that that is a very valid behavior.

I put black men on a pedestal, anyone who didn't measure up to that was looked down on. I have realized that putting them on a pedestal can be just as bad and putting them below me. Instead I had to realize that black men are my equal. That's what I always say, but I didn't believe it truly. Black men are not perfect, they are human. Being human means that you will make mistakes and you will experience life through emotions.

Men, but black men especially, are defined by their masculinity. They are taught not to cry, suck it up, stop being a baby. That isn't healthy. Of course, you shouldn't stay in your feelings, but you shouldn't suppress them and bottle them up either. Emotions have to be experienced and acknowledged. You have to go through it to get over it.

What healthy outlets do men have for their emotions? Most can't go to other men without being teased, called a "punk", "bytch", "soft" or told to toughen up. They can't go to women for fear of looking less like a "man". Usually, all they have are relationships. When the person who you bared yourself to in your most vulnerable state betrays you, it is a perfectly normal reaction to become bitter.

But you can not stay there, you need to release those negative emotions. We have to reach out to each other and connect. Recognizing there is a lack of emotional support for black men. We need to reintroduce ourselves to eachother with an open mind and a sense of equality. These are our equals, our reflections. When black men are hurting, so are black women. When black women are hurting so are black men. We need each other.

This would be good if it wasn't wrapped around "why black men are bitter"


Black men have been ignored for centuries when it comes to feelings and such. And all men have been ignored the same way. Forever. shyt even worse in the past. When you had to be a "real man" and do all the work and provide everything for the family

And yet you didn't see them bitter as you see in the past 5 years even.

I think with the Internet. With men being able to talk more. Express themselves more. Have access to more women. Have more experience and convos and insight on women. More everything at your fingertips......

Men have simply just heard and seen it all. All the court cases, personal drama, statuses from women, a view into everyone's life, thoughts, actions....

Men are just getting fed up and voicing their opinions more. It's not like we have more lack of sharing than in 1893

 

[CinnaSlim]

Realize this... Black Women dont hate Black Men. Black Men dont hate Black Women. Not only is it a generalization but it is simply untrue.

I will repeat again. The only person you can control is yourself. Stop worrying about what other people are doing and worry about yourself. Blaming people doesn't do anything because most cases, they person who hurt you has already moved on while you are worrying about them.

Holding on to a grudge is just extra baggage that you carry with you. Let it go, learn your lesson and keep moving forward.

 

[The Mad Titan]

Realize this... Black Women dont hate Black Men. Black Men dont hate Black Women. Not only is it a generalization but it is simply untrue.

I will repeat again. The only person you can control is yourself. Stop worrying about what other people are doing and worry about yourself. Blaming people doesn't do anything because most cases, they person who hurt you has already moved on while you are worrying about them.

Holding on to a grudge is just extra baggage that you carry with you. Let it go, learn your lesson and keep moving forward.

Cinna I'ma come scoop you up you keep talking like this

 

[The Mad Titan]

I enjoy insightful post like these, they are far to rare. This in particular hits close to home for me, as a black male that only when I hit 30 learned that its ok to open up and have feelings and express it to other people...I feel the OP.

The mental anxiety of being a man is on crazy levels, add being a black male on to that its off the characters. It really only takes one bad experience with a woman to crack us. Women imagine if all the emotions that you all went through (like around when your PMS) you just had to keep to yourself, you couldn't talk to anyone or your a bytch, you can't cry or your a punk, you can't let it stress you are your weak. You literally just have to hold all that in...And it never goes away it just builds and builds.... so when a woman comes along and we open up to them even if its a little it just takes the slightest thing to make us go or worst yet wild out on some crazy ish.


The headache is even worst for those guys that are "good guys" you get all the headache with no outlet at all for the frustration, thats why genuine good people always get the from me. Even more so if you try and stay on a moral high road.



Men dont so enough to try and understand there women and women dont do enough to understand their men. As black people thats the only way we are going to make it, when really need that love and understanding among each other.


Ladies like cinna are really refreshing.

 

[bouncy]

Nice thread!

For me, I don't think I will ever be a person who can trust others based on my experiences, but I do care. I have learned to give people a chance, and if they fukk it up, I'm not close to them anymore. The only thing is I have an issue with getting payback, so it makes me look like a foul person to some. IDK. What I do know is the only way I can feel "calm" or everything isn't a fight or competition, is when I puff herb. I know it shouldn't be that way, but I just can't stand this world sober. The people in it are just so sheep like.

For example, all I keep seeing in this thread is single mothers are the problem or black men are stuck emotionally, but these things are not the full story, its just what we were told this so long we believe it. People act like before the '70's when single mothers started becoming major, that everything was all good. They just ignore the stories of molestations (some inside the family), the kids out of wedlock from the married men, the families he had on the other side of town, the high domestic abuse, the high child abuse rates, and I can keep going. Even with my friends who had fathers, for some reason they really thought they were they shyt, but I can't think of one who was exceptional, they had issues just like everyone else.

As far as being emotionally stuck, its the whole world, not just us. I think we as a people need to stop making everything about race when we discuss things, and just discuss whatever we are discussing. I think when you deal with something like emotions, the only way to go deep is when you deal with the emotion itself. When you put race into play it makes the way you see the emotion, shallow. If people keep connecting feeling negative with being black, I think it starts to make you start seeing race in everything, and you become the person that helped put us in this situation, a racists. You just have no power.

I'm always in a fight with myself because when I see people who swear they have answers to life situations, but I know they don't, I am always asking should I use this person to get what I want, or just ignore them? Because I went through so much stuff, and had to learn how people think to be safe, it gave me knowledge that the average person doesn't have, even if they think they do. Sometimes I like playing with people just to see if I still have this gift. What's sad is even the people who claim they care, really just care because they want the recognition to be a caring person. If you disagree with them, most take offense, and the truth comes out, albeit with a smile.

I'm just waiting for my life to pass, but in the mean time I feel I have to protect myself from people who see me as food. Look at some posts in here. They read like a movie where everyone is after the gold coins, and its every man for himself. The sad thing is, they are posting this stuff, and not thinking there are people like me who will cut you down because you are letting me know you don't care about me one bit, its all about you. In my mind that means its either you or me. How many people are really willing to go there in real life? Cut you down doesn't necessarily mean violence, I can hurt you in a number of ways. From getting a chick to fukk you up mentally, to taking away the things you love, to making your life a living hell. I don't like to live like this, so I just puff my herb, get into my music, bust some nuts, and meditate. These are the only things that keep me from going to my other side. Sometimes I ask why me, but I'm here, and have no other choice but to live, so I might as well live it to the fullest, and in peace.

 

[Serious]

Whats ironic is that it was the racist whites who created an environment where us sticking together was inevitable, and then the liberal whites (who were suppose to be on our side) are who really tore us apart through their organizations, policies, and laws.

@sicc2def

 

[DarkHorse23]

Realize this... Black Women dont hate Black Men. Black Men dont hate Black Women. Not only is it a generalization but it is simply untrue.

I will repeat again. The only person you can control is yourself. Stop worrying about what other people are doing and worry about yourself. Blaming people doesn't do anything because most cases, they person who hurt you has already moved on while you are worrying about them.

Holding on to a grudge is just extra baggage that you carry with you. Let it go, learn your lesson and keep moving forward.

Easier said than done. Not going beat a dead horse but I've had some horrible experiences with women, black women particular.....and yet despite all my resentment/bitterness towards them...I still want to be with one

 

[FireFatMike]

Realize this... Black Women dont hate Black Men. Black Men dont hate Black Women. Not only is it a generalization but it is simply untrue.

I will repeat again. The only person you can control is yourself. Stop worrying about what other people are doing and worry about yourself. Blaming people doesn't do anything because most cases, they person who hurt you has already moved on while you are worrying about them.

Holding on to a grudge is just extra baggage that you carry with you. Let it go, learn your lesson and keep moving forward.

Agreed. Great thread by the way.

 

[FireFatMike]

Easier said than done. Not going beat a dead horse but I've had some horrible experiences with women, black women particular.....and yet despite all my resentment/bitterness towards them...I still want to be with one

Take what you learned from bad experiences and grow from it.

 

[Pepe La Hues]

can somebody make a "bitter black woman" remix thread?

 

[Mr.Big Meat McGee]

Interesting Thread.

 

[Jimi Swagger]

Well written but crying is not an acceptable form of reacting to and countering an insane world. Instead of crying (and in addition to), channel that anger, sadness, depression into something productive as a catalyst for change. Or seek counseling from a professional, confidant, religious leader what have you. I honestly hate cry babies, (man, woman, or child) and will walk out a room or the hang up the phone and tell someone to deal with what's bothering them instead of coddling them; unless it involves a death or something. I've tried in the past and its sounds fake and is very uncomfortable for me to and I don't like being consoled. Tell me whats wrong instead of crying and throwing a tantrum. Effective communication is what's missing in this emotional equation and also action. People can't articulate why they are crying or angry. I can't assist unless I know whats wrong and if you can't communicate that then that is your issue if you cannot. When my ex Jew boss said or did something instead of bytching and moaning like the other underlings, I requested meetings with HR and wrote memos and got stuff done. Probably stems back to my mom telling me to take that anger out on cutting the grass/hedges, write it out, when I was younger and I appreciate that. I've noticed a lot of fams (black or white) have that children should be seen and not heard mentality and discourage children to talk which stunts them into adult hood. I can use profanity around my family (but not curse at them).

I remember being on an expat assignment once and a co-worker seem sad and homesick and started getting all emotional, I quickly curbed that by asking "have you checked into you mental health benefits." The look that given to me was priceless, went from damn near crying to damn near wanting to kick me in the teeth. Problem. Solution. Probably why I attract the most emo partners.

 

[DreadBrown]

I feel like when you have responsibilities and people who look up to/depend on you as a black man depression is a luxury you can't afford.


If you can't get it together you might aswell lay down and die.