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- Thread starter onelastdeath
- Start date
Great post OP, I know what you mean. The battered wife/abuser analogy hit the nail on the head.
Yeah I've fought depression too since I was a kid, went to alternative school and everything for 5 years. But it got worse as I got older and gained a true understanding of how the world works, shyt is like fighting a demon or some shyt. That empty feeling, sitting in the dark smoking weed, thinkin the world and everything in it is pointless, that weird feeling of wanting to die but not wanting to kill yourself. It's like a vortex of uncontrollable negativity.
Funny thing is I haven't even lost my parents yet and I fear that more than anything, especially my mother. I almost lost her in a car accident back in April and was in an accident with her exactly a month later on Mother's Day. shyt like that and other real life situations that put my life in the balance taught me how to battle and defeat my demons. It helps to see the world to so you can realize the privilege you have, it's like Bob said every man thinks that his burden is the heaviest, but who feels it knows it. Whatever I may go through may feel however it feels to me, but I don't know how the next man's burden is so I should never say or feel that my load in this world is more oppressive than anyone elses. Some people don't win the fight and stay trapped forever or even kill themselves like one of my cousins did, but if you make it to the other side it's truly empowering.
Yeah I've fought depression too since I was a kid, went to alternative school and everything for 5 years. But it got worse as I got older and gained a true understanding of how the world works, shyt is like fighting a demon or some shyt. That empty feeling, sitting in the dark smoking weed, thinkin the world and everything in it is pointless, that weird feeling of wanting to die but not wanting to kill yourself. It's like a vortex of uncontrollable negativity.
Funny thing is I haven't even lost my parents yet and I fear that more than anything, especially my mother. I almost lost her in a car accident back in April and was in an accident with her exactly a month later on Mother's Day. shyt like that and other real life situations that put my life in the balance taught me how to battle and defeat my demons. It helps to see the world to so you can realize the privilege you have, it's like Bob said every man thinks that his burden is the heaviest, but who feels it knows it. Whatever I may go through may feel however it feels to me, but I don't know how the next man's burden is so I should never say or feel that my load in this world is more oppressive than anyone elses. Some people don't win the fight and stay trapped forever or even kill themselves like one of my cousins did, but if you make it to the other side it's truly empowering.
onelastdeath
Banned
Pretty much this.
I'm glad your mom is okay. Really, I'm happy to hear that.
It really is empowering to make it to the other side. I kept saying to myself when I was depressed " I wanna get back, I wanna get back to how I was", but in reality, getting back was never the answer. I had to get right for the first time. I had to learn how to deal with things straight on. I had to learn how to make it through Mother's day without going nuts.
But now that I'm here, on the other side of it. I have a new appreciation for life. The sky looks brighter and my city looks bigger. I have a new focus now. A focus fueled from knowing that the other side exists. My advice to whoever's going through it. Just take it day by day. And that's so cliche, but it's so true.
Thanks.
That's all I do, it's the only way to live. Live in the moment, don't spend every moment worrying about the past or future.
wilburn burchette
got his ass
thanks for your post OP, i've dealt with the realities of depression for as long as i can remember and i lost my closest friend to suicide almost 2 years ago. there's always a knucklehead who wants to make jokes cause it's a forum, but this is a real thing that mad people struggle with on some level. i've yet to lose either of my parents, not sure how i would deal with it when that day comes since i don't have much of a relationship with them. knowing my best friend is no longer in the physical and that every single morning when i wake up i have to accept the reality that i won't hear from him again absolutely crushes me. the magnitude of death is far beyond our comprehension, i think the places that it can send us in grief is even further beyond what we can grasp.
happy to see your story and all the other positive posts and stories in this thread. peace to everybody and peace to your loved ones, cherish them.
In 2012, my mother died. And this shyt fukked me up hard. I always had a rough life in general, but for some reason I was always able to skate by through everything that happened unscathed. Through abuse and deaths and letdowns, Like I never fell off. I just kept it pushing and saw shyt like "it is what it is". I thought I was getting through it, but in reality, I was never addressing things mentally. I just left them dangling in my psyche for a long time. And when my mother died, I thought it would be the same. I thought that I would be hurt for a while, but that I would bounce back, but I didn't. I fell into a deep deep depression. It was caused by years of not addressing things and my mother's death was really just the last drop that made the dam break. I stood in the house everyday. Smoking Weed. Crying. Lost touch with a bunch of my friends, lost some good people in the process of my self destruction. I gained 75 pounds in about 8 months. And thought about a lot of things that I didn't know I was capable of.
I’ve always gotten through things on my own. I held emotions in, like we hold our breath. And for a while my metaphorical lungs supported me but after my mother died they exploded. Losing a mother (or a parent in general) is a different type of burn. It’s basically when the person who has all the answers is the focal point of the problem. There were so many days that I thought went well and then I’d end up on my bed, staring at my ceiling realizing that none of it mattered and this was all real. I’d spend hours each night glaring at the ceiling looking for answers, revisiting the past every night, trying to relive a time gone. So much time photoshopping mental images that I forgot what the originals looked like when they happened. I was trying to change every argument into a good conversation and every tear into a smile. The problem with photoshopping mental images is that no matter how much you try to believe them, you know they aren’t real. You know that they are fabricated interpretations of what you wished had occurred. And in the end you forget the good things that actually happened, because you spent so much time trying to make all the bad memories, good ones. Bad days started to become normal days, and the formerly normal days started to become good ones. A parasite was deeply embedded into my being, created and fed by the ever growing hopelessness located in the depths my soul. I haven't been feeling like a person, I’ve been feeling like a vessel. A vessel used to transport resurfaced memories and despair to wherever they needed to be. A vessel to assist my past in its task of inhabiting and infecting my future, to make itself at home, to make itself the now. A chauffeur for my insecurities, and a butler for my pain.
Depression isn't the guy with the machine gun that kills you swiftly. Depression is the maniacal serial killer that locks his prey in basements and tortures them until they crack. Depression isn't Michael Myers, it's the fukking puppet from the Saw series that encourages you to believe that there’s always a way out. It leads you to think “If I can just take the next step necessary, everything will be fine”. Only later to arrive to the faith shattering realization that you're only at the beginning of the staircase that leads to another staircase which leads to the ladder that takes you up to the vantage point that allows you to see the thousands of staircases you have to climb in order to reach your destination. Each staircase appearing smaller and smaller as the distance between you and it increases, appearing more and more impossible to reach. It’s like a silent cancer. Every time you think you've beaten it; it just resurfaces, over and over, day in and day out with no warning and no sympathy. You promise yourself change at night and proceed to break your own heart every morning by not honoring the vows you made to yourself before you slowly drifted into unconsciousness. Depression is being in an abusive relationship with yourself. You are both the battered spouse who keeps going back, and the violent spouse who promises they'll change.
Depression isn't so much that you're sad; it's more like you feel nothing. If that even makes sense. It makes you feel indifferent toward everything, indifferent in a world where in order to be successful you have to care. About yourself and about what becomes of you.
The way I beat it though, is this. I sat back one day and I just looked at the world. I thought about the opportunities I had. I thought about the future, and I thought about my mother. And I realized 2 things. That I had couldn't torment myself with unchangeable. And That I was going to fail before I succeeded. The road to success is filled with a bunch of detours and crashes. And I challenged myself to challenge myself. And I failed a lot, but when you keep the goal in mind. And make it priority to push everyday good things can come. I'm as happy as I've ever been right now. And it only happened when I broke myself down to my lowest point, and let my depression run its course. And then used my bottom as my foundation to grow. I wasn't used to women looking at me weird. Or not being hygienic. It was all new for me at the time. But there's always a way out.
Whatever you're going through right now, you can get through it. And I know a lot of people don't think depression can hit them but it can. It hit me hard. I didn't even recognize myself. But I got through it by failing over and over again. And the end result was worth it.
Present day, I got a good job. Good Crib. Good Car. And I'm living again, or for the first time.
PullOutGawd
Boosie the GOAT
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london
I CATFISH'D YO MOMMA
In 2012, my mother died. And this shyt fukked me up hard. I always had a rough life in general, but for some reason I was always able to skate by through everything that happened unscathed. Through abuse and deaths and letdowns, Like I never fell off. I just kept it pushing and saw shyt like "it is what it is". I thought I was getting through it, but in reality, I was never addressing things mentally. I just left them dangling in my psyche for a long time. And when my mother died, I thought it would be the same. I thought that I would be hurt for a while, but that I would bounce back, but I didn't. I fell into a deep deep depression. It was caused by years of not addressing things and my mother's death was really just the last drop that made the dam break. I stood in the house everyday. Smoking Weed. Crying. Lost touch with a bunch of my friends, lost some good people in the process of my self destruction. I gained 75 pounds in about 8 months. And thought about a lot of things that I didn't know I was capable of.
I’ve always gotten through things on my own. I held emotions in, like we hold our breath. And for a while my metaphorical lungs supported me but after my mother died they exploded. Losing a mother (or a parent in general) is a different type of burn. It’s basically when the person who has all the answers is the focal point of the problem. There were so many days that I thought went well and then I’d end up on my bed, staring at my ceiling realizing that none of it mattered and this was all real. I’d spend hours each night glaring at the ceiling looking for answers, revisiting the past every night, trying to relive a time gone. So much time photoshopping mental images that I forgot what the originals looked like when they happened. I was trying to change every argument into a good conversation and every tear into a smile. The problem with photoshopping mental images is that no matter how much you try to believe them, you know they aren’t real. You know that they are fabricated interpretations of what you wished had occurred. And in the end you forget the good things that actually happened, because you spent so much time trying to make all the bad memories, good ones. Bad days started to become normal days, and the formerly normal days started to become good ones. A parasite was deeply embedded into my being, created and fed by the ever growing hopelessness located in the depths my soul. I haven't been feeling like a person, I’ve been feeling like a vessel. A vessel used to transport resurfaced memories and despair to wherever they needed to be. A vessel to assist my past in its task of inhabiting and infecting my future, to make itself at home, to make itself the now. A chauffeur for my insecurities, and a butler for my pain.
Depression isn't the guy with the machine gun that kills you swiftly. Depression is the maniacal serial killer that locks his prey in basements and tortures them until they crack. Depression isn't Michael Myers, it's the fukking puppet from the Saw series that encourages you to believe that there’s always a way out. It leads you to think “If I can just take the next step necessary, everything will be fine”. Only later to arrive to the faith shattering realization that you're only at the beginning of the staircase that leads to another staircase which leads to the ladder that takes you up to the vantage point that allows you to see the thousands of staircases you have to climb in order to reach your destination. Each staircase appearing smaller and smaller as the distance between you and it increases, appearing more and more impossible to reach. It’s like a silent cancer. Every time you think you've beaten it; it just resurfaces, over and over, day in and day out with no warning and no sympathy. You promise yourself change at night and proceed to break your own heart every morning by not honoring the vows you made to yourself before you slowly drifted into unconsciousness. Depression is being in an abusive relationship with yourself. You are both the battered spouse who keeps going back, and the violent spouse who promises they'll change.
Depression isn't so much that you're sad; it's more like you feel nothing. If that even makes sense. It makes you feel indifferent toward everything, indifferent in a world where in order to be successful you have to care. About yourself and about what becomes of you.
The way I beat it though, is this. I sat back one day and I just looked at the world. I thought about the opportunities I had. I thought about the future, and I thought about my mother. And I realized 2 things. That I had couldn't torment myself with unchangeable. And That I was going to fail before I succeeded. The road to success is filled with a bunch of detours and crashes. And I challenged myself to challenge myself. And I failed a lot, but when you keep the goal in mind. And make it priority to push everyday good things can come. I'm as happy as I've ever been right now. And it only happened when I broke myself down to my lowest point, and let my depression run its course. And then used my bottom as my foundation to grow. I wasn't used to women looking at me weird. Or not being hygienic. It was all new for me at the time. But there's always a way out.
Whatever you're going through right now, you can get through it. And I know a lot of people don't think depression can hit them but it can. It hit me hard. I didn't even recognize myself. But I got through it by failing over and over again. And the end result was worth it.
Present day, I got a good job. Good Crib. Good Car. And I'm living again, or for the first time.
Sorry again for the joke about your mother the other day, I had no idea
Glad you pulled through though breh
hu3ypdadon
All Star
Peace upon you bruh, and much respect for sharing ya life journey
good shyt breh, i'm going through something right now. The gym and the track are my safe haven, also shrinking my inner circle.
Props brother. I'll be sure to tag you Monday August 25th 2014
9/25/14- I'll tag you breh, stay strong.
Smokin Rider
I been official
Damn breh I feel you, I've been battling depression since like 15. I won't get into all the details cause I'm tired of talkin about em but it can get better but depression is always there. Shiiet, your story did motivate me to get off my ass again. I was starting to live again a 10 months ago, started working out, I've always been skinny, but went from 11% body fat to 6% and was curling 40lbs.
Had a setback about 4 months ago though that I ain't recovered from, my sister was tryin to kill herself and had major drinking problems so I had to watch my 3 nieces since nobody else would for my sister to get help but I got out of my routine and fell on to some bad luck with all these car problems and plenty of relationship shyt so I just gave up again, tried to go back to the gym 2 weeks ago and realized I went up to 12% body fat and could really only curl 25 lbs again so I felt like shyt and pissed I lost all my progress. fukk it though, tomorrow I need to get back to eating right and feeling good. I'm eatin them nasty ass egg whites and oatmeal in the morning, no more reeces puffs.
Had a setback about 4 months ago though that I ain't recovered from, my sister was tryin to kill herself and had major drinking problems so I had to watch my 3 nieces since nobody else would for my sister to get help but I got out of my routine and fell on to some bad luck with all these car problems and plenty of relationship shyt so I just gave up again, tried to go back to the gym 2 weeks ago and realized I went up to 12% body fat and could really only curl 25 lbs again so I felt like shyt and pissed I lost all my progress. fukk it though, tomorrow I need to get back to eating right and feeling good. I'm eatin them nasty ass egg whites and oatmeal in the morning, no more reeces puffs.
onelastdeath
Banned
Anytime man. That's why I wrote it. I'm pretty much okay now, but people out there go through the same things and it's difficult to understand. So I just wanted to make myself available to anyone who needed a pick me up, or reassurance that everything could/would be okay with the right steps.
I'm sorry to hear about your sister, and your struggles. Setbacks are in inevitable man. There's no clear path to any form of success. What I want to say to you though that a lot of people don't really know, or don't really pay attention to is that how you react to something is as much a catalyst for stress as the thing itself. I can't stress that enough. Your mind will thank you the more you try to push forward. Lead with the body and the mind will follow. Don't get discouraged every time you come up short, because that's a part of getting to the end. Not every RB is running for a TD every time out. But those 4 yard gains add up, and everytime he comes up short for the first down, will make him wanna convert better next time. It's all a process.
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