---?

[Dada]

Inspiring post. I've definitely been there, myself.

 

[Kid McNamara]

I feel you breh, setbacks are inevitable and I knew that and was prepared for it but wasn't ready for a string of bad events. I will be this time, but it's hard out here breh, I ain't got a true friend around me, it ain't like high school no more where I ran the place.

My best homie dead and my other good homie moved to Florida, me and my cuz were close NH but he got into the army and moved to Florida. A lot of my high school friends I just can't fukk wit no more we on different levels and me and my older bro been beefin for a couple years. My sisters boyfriend and me was havin a hell of a summer, got me rappin and we made some classic tracks but he got locked up for a couple years. So I'm just out here solo, the only person I ever kick it wit is my weedman .

The only thing that motivates me right now is my 3 nieces and my little brother who look up to me and watch every move I make. shyt is taxing, but I want to set a positive example cause I don't want them to follow my path. I realize I'm venting a bunch of shyt, I guess I needed to but tomorrow I'm back in the gym (I know I said today but I'mma creature of habit and my routine was Monday thru Saturday in the gym). fukk this depression shyt brehs, tired of waiting to die on this misery ride, I'm too strong and my pride has always been to strong to go out like a busta

I'mma rep everyone in here cause yall got me motivated. I been trying to ignore this pain and not talk about it, but it's a dark ass road. Thank you all

I'll be in there right with you man.

 

[DaRealness]

As someone who also lost a my mother young and battled very severe depression with a lot of downs in life, I appreciate this thread. Props to OP. As long as you have life you have hope, no matter how low you go.

Earlier today I was chilling with pops and taking him to see some old friends. Value the people you love while they're still here.

 

[Slaimon Khan Shah]

In 2012, my mother died. And this shyt fukked me up hard. I always had a rough life in general, but for some reason I was always able to skate by through everything that happened unscathed. Through abuse and deaths and letdowns, Like I never fell off. I just kept it pushing and saw shyt like "it is what it is". I thought I was getting through it, but in reality, I was never addressing things mentally. I just left them dangling in my psyche for a long time. And when my mother died, I thought it would be the same. I thought that I would be hurt for a while, but that I would bounce back, but I didn't. I fell into a deep deep depression. It was caused by years of not addressing things and my mother's death was really just the last drop that made the dam break. I stood in the house everyday. Smoking Weed. Crying. Lost touch with a bunch of my friends, lost some good people in the process of my self destruction. I gained 75 pounds in about 8 months. And thought about a lot of things that I didn't know I was capable of.

I’ve always gotten through things on my own. I held emotions in, like we hold our breath. And for a while my metaphorical lungs supported me but after my mother died they exploded. Losing a mother (or a parent in general) is a different type of burn. It’s basically when the person who has all the answers is the focal point of the problem. There were so many days that I thought went well and then I’d end up on my bed, staring at my ceiling realizing that none of it mattered and this was all real. I’d spend hours each night glaring at the ceiling looking for answers, revisiting the past every night, trying to relive a time gone. So much time photoshopping mental images that I forgot what the originals looked like when they happened. I was trying to change every argument into a good conversation and every tear into a smile. The problem with photoshopping mental images is that no matter how much you try to believe them, you know they aren’t real. You know that they are fabricated interpretations of what you wished had occurred. And in the end you forget the good things that actually happened, because you spent so much time trying to make all the bad memories, good ones. Bad days started to become normal days, and the formerly normal days started to become good ones. A parasite was deeply embedded into my being, created and fed by the ever growing hopelessness located in the depths my soul. I haven't been feeling like a person, I’ve been feeling like a vessel. A vessel used to transport resurfaced memories and despair to wherever they needed to be. A vessel to assist my past in its task of inhabiting and infecting my future, to make itself at home, to make itself the now. A chauffeur for my insecurities, and a butler for my pain.

Depression isn't the guy with the machine gun that kills you swiftly. Depression is the maniacal serial killer that locks his prey in basements and tortures them until they crack. Depression isn't Michael Myers, it's the fukking puppet from the Saw series that encourages you to believe that there’s always a way out. It leads you to think “If I can just take the next step necessary, everything will be fine”. Only later to arrive to the faith shattering realization that you're only at the beginning of the staircase that leads to another staircase which leads to the ladder that takes you up to the vantage point that allows you to see the thousands of staircases you have to climb in order to reach your destination. Each staircase appearing smaller and smaller as the distance between you and it increases, appearing more and more impossible to reach. It’s like a silent cancer. Every time you think you've beaten it; it just resurfaces, over and over, day in and day out with no warning and no sympathy. You promise yourself change at night and proceed to break your own heart every morning by not honoring the vows you made to yourself before you slowly drifted into unconsciousness. Depression is being in an abusive relationship with yourself. You are both the battered spouse who keeps going back, and the violent spouse who promises they'll change.

Depression isn't so much that you're sad; it's more like you feel nothing. If that even makes sense. It makes you feel indifferent toward everything, indifferent in a world where in order to be successful you have to care. About yourself and about what becomes of you.

The way I beat it though, is this. I sat back one day and I just looked at the world. I thought about the opportunities I had. I thought about the future, and I thought about my mother. And I realized 2 things. That I had couldn't torment myself with unchangeable. And That I was going to fail before I succeeded. The road to success is filled with a bunch of detours and crashes. And I challenged myself to challenge myself. And I failed a lot, but when you keep the goal in mind. And make it priority to push everyday good things can come. I'm as happy as I've ever been right now. And it only happened when I broke myself down to my lowest point, and let my depression run its course. And then used my bottom as my foundation to grow. I wasn't used to women looking at me weird. Or not being hygienic. It was all new for me at the time. But there's always a way out.

Whatever you're going through right now, you can get through it. And I know a lot of people don't think depression can hit them but it can. It hit me hard. I didn't even recognize myself. But I got through it by failing over and over again. And the end result was worth it.



Present day, I got a good job. Good Crib. Good Car. And I'm living again, or for the first time.

You need Islam in your life if you want to be happy in this life, and eternal Paradise in the afterlife!

 

[SpacedOutGeek]

I needed to read that. Lost my little bro last week. shyt hurts man.

 

[Everythingg]

I spent the first few months calling her cellphone voicemail just to hear her voice. .

I feel you on this breh. My dad recently had a stroke and while he was in the ICU I listened to voicemails he had left on my phone that I hadn't deleted. Broke down every time I listened to one. Some of them he was even mad at me and I was thinking I'd take that anger again, if I could have him back again and in good health.The good news is he recovered but if he didnt, I might have been in the same boat that you were in. I could slowly feel myself getting there at the time

Glad to see you made it out though and thought it best to share your story ...

 

[AAKing23]

How did I miss this incredible thread?



to you OP, I can relate

 

[MikelArteta]

 

[Ohene]

this is a real nikka thread for real nikkas man. I'd share my stories but I cant find the words right now. What the big home @2Quik4UHoes said was something I really relate to though.

Ignorance is bliss I guess. Just yesterday I was thinking of some of my selfish problems in life. The truth is since I was a really young child I always had goals and was extremely ambitious. I've heard it all from friends and family, "youre a genius," "you're the golden child," "youre gonna be a millionaire" blah blah and I've worked as hard as I can trying to manifest those thoughts into a reality. But here I am as a new graduate, working a job where I am vastly underpaid even less than my internship during my junior year and cant help but think about the disappointment. Combine this disappointment with sometimes going days without hearing from ppl that I was once cool with, failing interview after interview no matter how great I thought it went, having no form of entertainment, experiencing idiocy from certain family members, feeling like nobody gets you and it just creates a downward spiral. It puts you in deep thought like, "What the hell is all this shyt around us for? It's pointless. No matter how much money, fame, accomplishments etc you have, no matter how great your life is and what you contribute its all pointless because you're gonna die and the cycle will continue. In fact it would be easier if all this never had to exist in the first place. Its pointless" That train of thought is too real for some people though and if you let it be known nikkas will look at you like .... Like I said ignorance is bliss cause I've reached a point of realism where I feel like I dont see much positivity in living life. Thats the hardest part of it.

But then you see a thread like "pictures with a creepy backstory" and cant help but recognize that although life isnt going according to plan and its pointless you have it better than a lot of ppl in this world so why not roll with the punches and keep it going? I'm lucky to have some of the friends I do though thats for sure.

edit: http://www.thecoli.com/threads/a-serious-thread-for-anyone-who-might-be-able-to-relate.120720/

a similar type of thread I made earlier

 

[flea]

This was a good read. Very motivating. Question though, did u use any medication to treat the depression? Just curious. Not making any judgements

 

[2Quik4UHoes]

This was a good read. Very motivating. Question though, did u use any medication to treat the depression? Just curious. Not making any judgements

For a split second in middle school I fukked with prozac but it ain't work. My folks ain't want me taking drugs anyway so I just learned how to cope. I got out of alternative school eventually so you don't really need drugs like that just motivation. Meds is for nikkaz that can't find the motivation or the shyt is too much for them. When I got grown I made weed the meds.

this is a real nikka thread for real nikkas man. I'd share my stories but I cant find the words right now. What the big home @2Quik4UHoes said was something I really relate to though.

Ignorance is bliss I guess. Just yesterday I was thinking of some of my selfish problems in life. The truth is since I was a really young child I always had goals and was extremely ambitious. I've heard it all from friends and family, "youre a genius," "you're the golden child," "youre gonna be a millionaire" blah blah and I've worked as hard as I can trying to manifest those thoughts into a reality. But here I am as a new graduate, working a job where I am vastly underpaid even less than my internship during my junior year and cant help but think about the disappointment. Combine this disappointment with sometimes going days without hearing from ppl that I was once cool with, failing interview after interview no matter how great I thought it went, having no form of entertainment, experiencing idiocy from certain family members, feeling like nobody gets you and it just creates a downward spiral. It puts you in deep thought like, "What the hell is all this shyt around us for? It's pointless. No matter how much money, fame, accomplishments etc you have, no matter how great your life is and what you contribute its all pointless because you're gonna die and the cycle will continue. In fact it would be easier if all this never had to exist in the first place. Its pointless" That train of thought is too real for some people though and if you let it be known nikkas will look at you like .... Like I said ignorance is bliss cause I've reached a point of realism where I feel like I dont see much positivity in living life. Thats the hardest part of it.

But then you see a thread like "pictures with a creepy backstory" and cant help but recognize that although life isnt going according to plan and its pointless you have it better than a lot of ppl in this world so why not roll with the punches and keep it going? I'm lucky to have some of the friends I do though thats for sure.

edit: http://www.thecoli.com/threads/a-serious-thread-for-anyone-who-might-be-able-to-relate.120720/

a similar type of thread I made earlier

lmao breh, you just described me word for word from childhood to adulthood. I was so disillusioned when I realized none of it matters. My dad is old so he be tellin me shyt like that all the time even now.

 

[flea]

For a split second in middle school I fukked with prozac but it ain't work. My folks ain't want me taking drugs anyway so I just learned how to cope. I got out of alternative school eventually so you don't really need drugs like that just motivation. Meds is for nikkaz that can't find the motivation or the shyt is too much for them. When I got grown I made weed the meds.

Well I mean in a sense u are using something to deal even though it's a natural herb. But yeah I'm pretty much asking if the meds work which I suspect don't. I've taken a few anti depressants while drinking or partying and all it did was get me loopy. I've even taking some completely sober and it just made me want to go to sleep

 

[2Quik4UHoes]

Well I mean in a sense u are using something to deal even though it's a natural herb. But yeah I'm pretty much asking if the meds work which I suspect don't. I've taken a few anti depressants while drinking or partying and all it did was get me loopy. I've even taking some completely sober and it just made me want to go to sleep

Yeah, shyt just gave me a headache it ain't help. I was always suspicious of that stuff too and my folks ain't like the idea of me taking drugs cuz I was "sad", and most of the kids I was around was drugged the fukk up acting crazy so I ain't want no parts I was nowhere near as fukked up as they was I was still chillin with my nikkaz still acting normal I just had those moments. To be honest, they only sent me to alternative school cuz I was always acting out in class to deal with the depression.

 

[flea]

Yeah, shyt just gave me a headache it ain't help. I was always suspicious of that stuff too and my folks ain't like the idea of me taking drugs cuz I was "sad", and most of the kids I was around was drugged the fukk up acting crazy so I ain't want no parts I was nowhere near as fukked up as they was I was still chillin with my nikkaz still acting normal I just had those moments. To be honest, they only sent me to alternative school cuz I was always acting out in class to deal with the depression.

Yeah they tried sending me to alternative school too but only because I skipped school a lot. I wasn't necessarily an out of control kid, I just hated school and being told what to do. Instead of being a little a$$hole id just never go to avoid all that crap. But yea definitely got a lot of letters home about trying out counseling, drugs, alternative schools. Fortunately my folks weren't into that and coincidentally I just used weed to deal. Ended up graduating although it was a pretty shytty school

 

[2Quik4UHoes]

Yeah they tried sending me to alternative school too but only because I skipped school a lot. I wasn't necessarily an out of control kid, I just hated school and being told what to do. Instead of being a little a$$hole id just never go to avoid all that crap. But yea definitely got a lot of letters home about trying out counseling, drugs, alternative schools. Fortunately my folks weren't into that and coincidentally I just used weed to deal. Ended up graduating although it was a pretty shytty school

Yeah, I got hip and realized they do that to minority kids especially cuz it puts em in a more prison-ish environment with the extra structure, scrutiny, etc. I knew I wasn't crazy, I was just real down sometimes or I'd be pissed and just act out in class if the teacher said something to me while I was talkin to my nikka at the next desk. My folks foreigners and I had no idea what was goin on behind my back. I got suspended after some shyt, next thing I know I was in a class full of crazy cacs. It was one other nikka that got set up so we treated that shyt like a prison/insane house. Only good thing was we'd talk hella shyt to the crazy cacs and it ain't matter cuz they expected us to act up anyway.