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[SoulController]

good thread, ive struggled with depression for 20 years since i was pretty young

gym helps, try to keep a routine and just work hard on my business. it always creeps in but you just have to look forward to the next bright spot

 

[Londilon]

I think that you typing that all out to share with everyone is a way for you to heal. Keep going forward and take comfort that your mom knew how much you loved her and still do.

 

[flea]

Yeah, I got hip and realized they do that to minority kids especially cuz it puts em in a more prison-ish environment with the extra structure, scrutiny, etc. I knew I wasn't crazy, I was just real down sometimes or I'd be pissed and just act out in class if the teacher said something to me while I was talkin to my nikka at the next desk. My folks foreigners and I had no idea what was goin on behind my back. I got suspended after some shyt, next thing I know I was in a class full of crazy cacs. It was one other nikka that got set up so we treated that shyt like a prison/insane house. Only good thing was we'd talk hella shyt to the crazy cacs and it ain't matter cuz they expected us to act up anyway.

Your situation sounds a bit similar to mine. My junior year I stole a car and my folks went behind my back and transferred me to some majority cac school with uniform and all type of crap. Had to take the train and the bus every morning and afternoon. I was pissed. Ended up probably being the best decision because I got straight A's that semester since the classes were literally retard proof and I'm pretty sure that's the reason I graduated since I was able to transfer those credits to my original school (I threatened to drop out if my parents ain't take me back to my original school which they surprisingly did). Damn reading this to myself, I probably was a pain in the ass

 

[2Quik4UHoes]

Your situation sounds a bit similar to mine. My junior year I stole a car and my folks went behind my back and transferred me to some majority cac school with uniform and all type of crap. Had to take the train and the bus every morning and afternoon. I was pissed. Ended up probably being the best decision because I got straight A's that semester since the classes were literally retard proof and I'm pretty sure that's the reason I graduated since I was able to transfer those credits to my original school (I threatened to drop out if my parents ain't take me back to my original school which they surprisingly did). Damn reading this to myself, I probably was a pain in the ass

lmfao, damn nikka. At least you got outta there.

I hated that shyt at first cuz I was stuck around the crazies and the few black girls that were at the school was all bad(plus I was tryna pawg too back then and they was deep as fukk) but they had me stuck next to these offbeat retarded mafukkaz. That shyt ended up being a come up in high school cuz I was in a rich ass district so the regular classes were way better than anything I had before plus the alternative shyt was easy. I couldn't fade being around all those rich cacs and crazy people let alone graduating with them so once I was taking all regular classes I got sent back to my real school and did aight cuz the standards wasn't on that majority rich cac level. shyt is just a swindle to be honest, had I taken the drugs and bought into them saying I'm some inherently fukked up individual I woulda never got out.

 

[flea]

lmfao, damn nikka. At least you got outta there.

I hated that shyt at first cuz I was stuck around the crazies and the few black girls that were at the school was all bad(plus I was tryna pawg too back then and they was deep as fukk) but they had me stuck next to these offbeat retarded mafukkaz. That shyt ended up being a come up in high school cuz I was in a rich ass district so the regular classes were way better than anything I had before plus the alternative shyt was easy. I couldn't fade being around all those rich cacs and crazy people let alone graduating with them so once I was taking all regular classes I got sent back to my real school and did aight cuz the standards wasn't on that majority rich cac level. shyt is just a swindle to be honest, had I taken the drugs and bought into them saying I'm some inherently fukked up individual I woulda never got out.

It's crazy the difference in curriculum. When I went to my home school in the hood literally every class besides p.e only focused on the state exam that everyone has to pass. When I went to this cac ass art school, I had stage building and script writing as one of my classes shyt was amazing. Probably the only reason I was open to it was cause I met a real cute Costa Rican girl and we ended up dating so I was just like fukk it (that and all the weed I was smoking had me fairly open minded and the classes were actually pretty cool). Otherwise I probably would of been on that same bullshyt as before. Even with that though, I just hated being surrounded by cacs, I just wanted to spend my last year in school with my homies. It's so hard to really explain the mindset I was in because we're kids at the time and still don't really know who the fukk we are or the identity we want to have. What I do know is, fukk Ritalin and Prozac. We don't need that shyt

 

[2Quik4UHoes]

It's crazy the difference in curriculum. When I went to my home school in the hood literally every class besides p.e only focused on the state exam that everyone has to pass. When I went to this cac ass art school, I had stage building and script writing as one of my classes shyt was amazing. Probably the only reason I was open to it was cause I met a real cute Costa Rican girl and we ended up dating so I was just like fukk it (that and all the weed I was smoking had me fairly open minded and the classes were actually pretty cool). Otherwise I probably would of been on that same bullshyt as before. Even with that though, I just hated being surrounded by cacs, I just wanted to spend my last year in school with my homies. It's so hard to really explain the mindset I was in because we're kids at the time and still don't really know who the fukk we are or the identity we want to have. What I do know is, fukk Ritalin and Prozac. We don't need that shyt

That's real shyt. They quick to drug you and put you in the mix with a bunch of wild mafukkas that really have problems. Kids go at different speeds, the way they deal with it in public school let me know they don't give a fukk. Looking back it wasn't nothing they couldn't of handled without me going to that place. Sometimes I think me going there made shyt worse cuz I had to deal with my parents lowkey shame that I went out like that. My nikkaz gave me shyt for a quick second cuz that cheese bus was scoopin me up right where I used to catch the bus with everyone else.

But that shyt crazy, even tho you meet some good people and get a way better education you still feel like you got sent up the river(school wise) just for acting a little bad like kids tend to do anyway. I'm glad I ain't take them drugs and get zombied out, lowkey I think that pillhead shyt started off these pharmaceuticals pushing drugs on us when we were younger. I'm glad I tossed them drugs in the bushes, you don't need that shyt unless you truly fukked up.

 

[onelastdeath]

When my momma go that's it for me

I said that shyt when my dad got sick, and when he died right in front of me I contemplated slashing my wrists with mirror shards but I didn't have the nuts. I fell into a dark fukking depression instead. When she go tho...that's gonna be about time, brehs.

Nah, you'd owe it to your mom to keep pushing, that's what she'd want for you. I thought about checking out a couple of times, but it wouldn't have solved anything, and it's a bit selfish. Especially when you have people who love you around. I'm a big believer in the balance of life. That we all have a purpose whether it's big or small, and killing yourself is the ultimate sin. Not a sin religion-wise, but a sin of life. Don't even think about her going, just love her hard while she's here.

I come to the coli for news and clowning but every now and then we get gems like this,thank you

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it and I hope I offered some insight.

Props on fighting through and holding ya head even when u couldn't see the light my G!

Thanks breh, that's what's it all about. There is no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone, as they say.

Damn, I don't even know if I would feel anything if my mom died.

I'm glad to see you found your way through. I've been fighting these demons for so long, I don't know anything else man.

Needed to read this though.

Don't even think about it. Just keep fighting, and living. Life itself is a gift. A gift that requires sacrifice and fight, but a gift all the same.

When I was 17 my moms died in my arms

She had chronic asthma and late one night it got the best of her

The hardest part was waking up my sister to tell her what happened.. Take your moms out to dinner or something today brehs and cherish this time together

Anyway I just kind of never dealt with the pain like OP and some life changing shyt happened a couple of years ago and it all came to a boil


I had checked out of life for a while but things are starting to look up

Depression is serious brehs


I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy

It's one of the hardest things to deal with because it's so silent and invisible to the naked and eye. It's unique for each person. I'm sorry about your mom, but just keep going. Everyday, get up and fukk shyt up. Progress is the best potion, believe me. There's a reason why losing your mother only happens once. It's the big one.

I appreciate you sharing that story. I struggled with depression in undergrad and it still affects me sometimes. The part about your mom and seeing other people mention their relationships with their moms is getting me. I love my mom more than anyone and I am terrified of losing her. I know I can count on her (and my dad) no matter what and I've been trying to show my appreciation more as I get older. Ever since I left home to attend undergrad in a different city, I make sure to call her at least once a day, even if it's just to say hi and talk for a couple seconds.

Threads like these make this one of the GOAT forums.

Appreciate the read breh. It can catch anyone, just gotta make it count while you're in the running.

@ModernFonzie

Respect, stay strong my man. I'm working on some things right now too, it isn't easy but the first step is respecting yourself. Once you get there, you can start putting the puzzle back together.

Yeah you gotta respect yourself, in the process of development. Nothing worth having comes easy. I feel like I had to learn myself all over again, but I know myself better than ever now, and the end result is beautiful.

I feel you breh, setbacks are inevitable and I knew that and was prepared for it but wasn't ready for a string of bad events. I will be this time, but it's hard out here breh, I ain't got a true friend around me, it ain't like high school no more where I ran the place.

My best homie dead and my other good homie moved to Florida, me and my cuz were close NH but he got into the army and moved to Florida. A lot of my high school friends I just can't fukk wit no more we on different levels and me and my older bro been beefin for a couple years. My sisters boyfriend and me was havin a hell of a summer, got me rappin and we made some classic tracks but he got locked up for a couple years. So I'm just out here solo, the only person I ever kick it wit is my weedman .

The only thing that motivates me right now is my 3 nieces and my little brother who look up to me and watch every move I make. shyt is taxing, but I want to set a positive example cause I don't want them to follow my path. I realize I'm venting a bunch of shyt, I guess I needed to but tomorrow I'm back in the gym (I know I said today but I'mma creature of habit and my routine was Monday thru Saturday in the gym). fukk this depression shyt brehs, tired of waiting to die on this misery ride, I'm too strong and my pride has always been to strong to go out like a busta

I'mma rep everyone in here cause yall got me motivated. I been trying to ignore this pain and not talk about it, but it's a dark ass road. Thank you all

And they are motivation enough. You got your whole life ahead of you . Time to cope, time to meet new people and experience new love. We get so obsessed with the bullshyt of today, that we dont realize that life never stops. There's always things unknown lurking in the corner. You're gonna be fine. You sound like a stronger brother. Respect yourself, the process of development, and respect your scars enough to make news ones. Good luck.

As someone who also lost a my mother young and battled very severe depression with a lot of downs in life, I appreciate this thread. Props to OP. As long as you have life you have hope, no matter how low you go.

Earlier today I was chilling with pops and taking him to see some old friends. Value the people you love while they're still here.

Yeah, I had to buy into that. I thought my life was over. But everyday is a chance man. A chance to make things right. Thanks for reading breh

I needed to read that. Lost my little bro last week. shyt hurts man.

I'm sorry about your little bro. That shyt has to be rough. I'm sure it is actually. I think the best thing you can do though is honor him. Live your life in a way that he would have admired as a little brother. Days can always get better, and life constantly adds to elements. I wish you the best B.

I feel you on this breh. My dad recently had a stroke and while he was in the ICU I listened to voicemails he had left on my phone that I hadn't deleted. Broke down every time I listened to one. Some of them he was even mad at me and I was thinking I'd take that anger again, if I could have him back again and in good health.The good news is he recovered but if he didnt, I might have been in the same boat that you were in. I could slowly feel myself getting there at the time

Glad to see you made it out though and thought it best to share your story ...

Yeah, it was crazy. Hearing her voice and knowing that it would never produce any new words. But all that breaking down, helped me build up. I'm glad your pops is okay. Love him hard man. Make memories that count, so you don't have to regret not making them later. Its love breh.

How did I miss this incredible thread?



to you OP, I can relate

Thanks for reading.

This was a good read. Very motivating. Question though, did u use any medication to treat the depression? Just curious. Not making any judgements

Yeah I was on Anafranil, and it made it worst. I stopped taking that shyt and sought out a mental anti-depressant. Just focusing on being better, everyday. Holding on to a belief and the balance of life, and stopped blaming God for everything.

good thread, ive struggled with depression for 20 years since i was pretty young

gym helps, try to keep a routine and just work hard on my business. it always creeps in but you just have to look forward to the next bright spot

That's a long time man. I hope you make it out. There are no words I could probably say to help you out, but just know that you're not in it alone. A lot of people are fighting, and even if we're not together physically, there's someone out there rooting for you. Good luck.

I think that you typing that all out to share with everyone is a way for you to heal. Keep going forward and take comfort that your mom knew how much you loved her and still do.

Yeah, that's all I can do . Just try to make her proud, and make sure that the fruits of her labor are sweet.

 

[Ohene]

For a split second in middle school I fukked with prozac but it ain't work. My folks ain't want me taking drugs anyway so I just learned how to cope. I got out of alternative school eventually so you don't really need drugs like that just motivation. Meds is for nikkaz that can't find the motivation or the shyt is too much for them. When I got grown I made weed the meds.



lmao breh, you just described me word for word from childhood to adulthood. I was so disillusioned when I realized none of it matters. My dad is old so he be tellin me shyt like that all the time even now.

what are some of the gems your pop drops breh? You just gave me a thread idea

 

[onelastdeath]

Glad to see this thread helped some people vent, and helped some people understand it a little better. That's all I wanted the outcome to be. I wish you all the best on your future endeavors, and I hope you all live peaceful lives full of moments and memories with the people you love. Even if things get rough, just know that there's people out there who understand you, and are hoping for your victory. Life Bless

 

[Sad Bunny]

Would you feel better if I posted a pre depression selfie too? LOL. You wanna see me with weed crumbs stuck around my mouth and big ass bags under my eyes

I'll take it down though

What pic is he talking about?

I wanna see it

 

[flea]

Nah, you'd owe it to your mom to keep pushing, that's what she'd want for you. I thought about checking out a couple of times, but it wouldn't have solved anything, and it's a bit selfish. Especially when you have people who love you around. I'm a big believer in the balance of life. That we all have a purpose whether it's big or small, and killing yourself is the ultimate sin. Not a sin religion-wise, but a sin of life. Don't even think about her going, just love her hard while she's here.


Thanks for reading, I appreciate it and I hope I offered some insight.



Thanks breh, that's what's it all about. There is no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone, as they say.



Don't even think about it. Just keep fighting, and living. Life itself is a gift. A gift that requires sacrifice and fight, but a gift all the same.



It's one of the hardest things to deal with because it's so silent and invisible to the naked and eye. It's unique for each person. I'm sorry about your mom, but just keep going. Everyday, get up and fukk shyt up. Progress is the best potion, believe me. There's a reason why losing your mother only happens once. It's the big one.




Appreciate the read breh. It can catch anyone, just gotta make it count while you're in the running.



Yeah you gotta respect yourself, in the process of development. Nothing worth having comes easy. I feel like I had to learn myself all over again, but I know myself better than ever now, and the end result is beautiful.



And they are motivation enough. You got your whole life ahead of you . Time to cope, time to meet new people and experience new love. We get so obsessed with the bullshyt of today, that we dont realize that life never stops. There's always things unknown lurking in the corner. You're gonna be fine. You sound like a stronger brother. Respect yourself, the process of development, and respect your scars enough to make news ones. Good luck.





Yeah, I had to buy into that. I thought my life was over. But everyday is a chance man. A chance to make things right. Thanks for reading breh



I'm sorry about your little bro. That shyt has to be rough. I'm sure it is actually. I think the best thing you can do though is honor him. Live your life in a way that he would have admired as a little brother. Days can always get better, and life constantly adds to elements. I wish you the best B.



Yeah, it was crazy. Hearing her voice and knowing that it would never produce any new words. But all that breaking down, helped me build up. I'm glad your pops is okay. Love him hard man. Make memories that count, so you don't have to regret not making them later. Its love breh.



Thanks for reading.




Yeah I was on Anafranil, and it made it worst. I stopped taking that shyt and sought out a mental anti-depressant. Just focusing on being better, everyday. Holding on to a belief and the balance of life, and stopped blaming God for everything.



That's a long time man. I hope you make it out. There are no words I could probably say to help you out, but just know that you're not in it alone. A lot of people are fighting, and even if we're not together physically, there's someone out there rooting for you. Good luck.



Yeah, that's all I can do . Just try to make her proud, and make sure that the fruits of her labor are sweet.

damn u were at a point where u were blaming God? thats heavy brotha. I hope when i lose my folks i never look at it that way cause i know its gonna hit me hard. Happy for u though even though i dont know u. always good to see people rise from the ashes so to speak

 

[onelastdeath]

What pic is he talking about?

I wanna see it

He's talking about the picture I put at the end of the post. Its still there.

 

[2Quik4UHoes]

what are some of the gems your pop drops breh? You just gave me a thread idea

Well what I was alluding to there is his saying that none of this matters. He'll tell me shyt like that, it sounds extremely negative but its really suppose to mean to never take shyt too seriously cuz we all struggle to live in this life just to die anyway. Enjoy the ride, don't bring misery to yourself for something you won't take with you when you go. Depression can make you loathe over the strangest things so learning to not take things so serious is a really good way to cope and bring that shyt under control. The fukked up times are when you gotta find your smile, Pac had it right.

 

[onelastdeath]

damn u were at a point where u were blaming God? thats heavy brotha. I hope when i lose my folks i never look at it that way cause i know its gonna hit me hard. Happy for u though even though i dont know u. always good to see people rise from the ashes so to speak

I was raised as a devoted Christian, and Yo, every funeral I went to. Ever. I had some pastor in my face talking about "It's in God's plan, this was all meant to happen. God has a plan for everyone. This is what God wanted"

And eventually I was like, well shyt. What about me? What about what I want? If everything that happens is in God's plan, shouldn't I blame for all this shyt? That's how I remember feeling.

 

[onelastdeath]

Well what I was alluding to there is his saying that none of this matters. He'll tell me shyt like that, it sounds extremely negative but its really suppose to mean to never take shyt too seriously cuz we all struggle to live in this life just to die anyway. Enjoy the ride, don't bring misery to yourself for something you won't take with you when you go. Depression can make you loathe over the strangest things so learning to not take things so serious is a really good way to cope and bring that shyt under control. The fukked up times are when you gotta find your smile, Pac had it right.

This.

I had to stop taking things so seriously too, and I had to stop caring about people's opinions about me. The only opinion that matters to me, is mine. And any future kids that I have. What anyone else thinks of you, is none of your business.