Assess my cover letter, What changes should I make? Would u consider hiring me

[O.T.I.S.]

Too wordy, too much begging, too much casual talk. Them nikkaz go through dozens upon dozens of applications, so your cover letter has gotta be short n snappy to try and catch the employers eye.

I've made a few amendments to yours if you want to use it:



Let your CV do the history and boring shyt.

This dude just wrote your entire cover letter for you OP

You need to drop him some bread once you get a new job

 

[Inspect Her Deck]

The standard 5 steps to any cover letter:
1. make it personal - find out who you are addressing rather than "To whom it may concern" or similar
2. why you picked them - what drew you to that specific job in that specific company? did you have a good experience with them previously in some capacity? what kind of reputation (presumably positive) do they have?
3. why they should pick you - what skills do you bring to the table? what sort of ambition do you have for their role? how can you fill in their gaps and even if you aren't 100% able to fill them in seamlessly, at least you are eager to try?
4. show passion - use words that will come across as desperate, keen, eager etc. don't worry about being a kiss ass or not. if you really want the job, you need to show it, and expressing eagerness on paper is more difficult than in person, but you have to - replace words such as 'like' with 'love' for example
5. leave a lasting impression - maybe show them some sympathy in their arduous recruiting process, an action like that can go a long way into getting their attention, tell them how eager you are to meet up with them

Remember, you MUST do point 2 before point 3. If you babble and big yourself up first, they will lose interest. Show them love first and then say why they should do the same to you. There's an element of humanity that needs to be demonstrated in a cover letter, and either OP is a troll or he's a shady character that I cannot imagine too many people in employment will wanna deal with, even with your once in a lifetime skills.

Hope this helps breh. Best of luck.

 

[O.T.I.S.]

Resume, resume, resume. It's even more important then the cover letter b/c a CL can be copypasta'd, but your resume tells the real story. I'll read a bad resume b/c good resume writing is kind of rare, but I know a lot of managers who won't read a bad resume.

IMO, your resume should only list the jobs that relate to your occupation. I'm a teacher, so my background only relates to my work in education. Nobody cares that I was a pawnbroker at Cash America Pawn in undergrad, you know? But I see this all the time.

If you have a portfolio, keep it current. (Again, guilty.) I'm not interested in anything you've done past the last couple of years. If your magnum opus has a 2008 date, that tells me that you've done nothing of merit lately.

Also, don't ever, ever, ever lie about your education. It's the lie that most people get caught in, and it's one of the few that'll get you fired way down the line. I know employers who will be sympathetic to certain (minor) charges, but you'll never catch a break if you lie about your education. If your ass graduated with the GED Class of 1999, you damn well better not say you have a high school diploma from Hootie Mack High School. (Also, nobody cares about your GPA, not even if you're in college or high school. If it's on the application, list it; if it's on your resume, don't bother.)

Honestly, that's all I can really think of - and keep in mind that you'll have other managers who'll disagree. The problem is that it's not even really about credentials or talent anymore. It basically boils down to whether or not the manager likes you and whether s/he thinks you have room to grow and learn. Take OP here. That cover letter? Basura. So right off the bat, I know that 1) he failed Basic Professionalism 101, and 2) he didn't even bother to do the research to get better. That's a sign of ignorance, laziness, or both. (Good on breh for asking the professionals at The Coli, but Googling professional writing samples would've been better.) As the thread goes on, we see that OP doesn't take criticism well and that he's arrogant as hell. You can have a trash CL that's professional in tone, but like @Clutch Robinson said, it really DOES come across as "hire me kthxbi". It's unprofessional to the point of being borderline disrespectful. Bushes.

Now, am I wrong about OP? Probably so. Maybe I've missed a diamond in the rough b/c of a bullshyt "hire me bro" cover letter, and that'll be my loss. But do I have time to find out? No, because I have 80 other applicants who have decent, professional cover letters to look over. Have I ever had a time where I thought, Damn, I should've hired that other guy with the bullshyt resume and the email address of bustanutinyourbutt@gmail.com? Never. In the words of Trick Daddy, you ain't got to be the best - but you better be close enough. (He was talking about giving head, but whatever.)





OP wants us to do the work for him. Like Google ain't free.

 

[Kamikaze Revy]

Terrible cover letter. If this isn't a troll thread i pity the restaurant manager that has to schedule shifts around your independent music and art ventures.

 

[Dorian Breh]

Terrible cover letter. If this isn't a troll thread i pity the restaurant manager that has schedule shifts around your independent music and art ventures.

 

[Maxine Shaw]

@Daisy Fitzroy DA GAWDESS

I've NEVER seen a poster spit so much fire on this site as you have in this one thread

Several reps pending

Awww, thanks! I taught basic life skills for a few years at our local community center - the one that was in-between my apartment complex and government housing (literally). You have kids out there who really need to learn these kinds of skills, and I wish they'd make it mandatory for graduating high school - that, and financial skills. It hurts me so much to see how poorer people get so horribly fukked simply b/c they don't know any better. But OP just sounds like an obnoxious prick. No excuses. shyt, he's talking about looking over a portfolio for a job when most of us have CAREERS.

 

[DrX]

Paperwork like reading your cover letter and hiring people.



And you sound like a child. You have people here trying to put you up on game so you don't embarrass yourself, and all you can do is say BUT I'M AN ARTIIIIIIIST! Are you telling me that the HIRING MANAGER doesn't know as much as your young, entitled ass? The funny thing is that you think you're coming across as confident when you're really coming off as ignorant as hell. And even worse, you're thrilled to death about it.

Get this through your head, you little Millennial breh. Worker bees are the ones who assess you, and peons are the ones who will make or break your ass. You know who's the most important person in any school? The secretary. The most important people in any military regiment? The clerks. Nobody gives a fukk about your ar-teest, J.J. Evans. Nobody gives a fukk about your creativity. They want to know can you do the work and do you get along with others. Dasit. That's why your CL has to be as tight as a nun's a$$hole.

There are 20 people behind you who are just as good - if not better - and that's in the United States alone. When they start outsourcing shyt, you WILL be somewhere saying "would you like fries with that" - and you better know how to say it in Spanish. So you better learn how to humble yourself, write a better letter and get a more pleasant attitude. shyt, you don't have people wanting to work with you in this thread, let alone a job.

Not every hiring manager think like u, someone out there appreciate bold ppl...

 

[DrX]

Terrible cover letter. If this isn't a troll thread i pity the restaurant manager that has to schedule shifts around your independent music and art ventures.

All creatives work shytty jobs before they blow

Jhene aiko was a waitress when she got on

 

[Maxine Shaw]

Not every hiring manager think like u, someone out there appreciate bold ppl...

He's ba-aaaaaaaack...

 

[Inspect Her Deck]

Not every hiring manager think like u, someone out there appreciate bold ppl...

Bro tbh she's right, your whole outlook has to change.

There's nothing wrong with self-confidence, it's a great trait. But you don't wanna cross that line into arrogance because that will reflect in your letter and leave a bad impression.

It's about striking the balance, and most importantly, doing a proper job on this letter not something half assed. Make sure you address the points she made and that list of stuff I made earlier.

 

[Kamikaze Revy]

All creatives work shytty jobs before they blow

Jhene aiko was a waitress when she got on

Not in Harlem

 

[BrehWyatt]

like I said ...Im a fukking artist, world class at what I do.... I actually got real talent, peons ...worker bees cant relate to creatives...thats why why do fly shyt for a living and yall sit at a desk doing paper work ...

I see ...

If this is the case, then you ought to be well-known and well-connected to the point where people call you when they have an opening to see what you're up to, not where you're asking a bunch of people -- regardless of how insightful and as knowledgeable as they have shown themselves to be -- on a messageboard about how to fix a cover letter.

 

[151_Pr00f]

@DrX how's that humble pie taste

 

[DrX]

Bro tbh she's right, your whole outlook has to change.

There's nothing wrong with self-confidence, it's a great trait. But you don't wanna cross that line into arrogance because that will reflect in your letter and leave a bad impression.

It's about striking the balance, and most importantly, doing a proper job on this letter not something half assed. Make sure you address the points she made and that list of stuff I made earlier.

thats respect, Im going to take your advice. U didnt come at me condescending and talking down to me like im a child, you came at me respectfully and like a gentlemen...some people dont know how to talk to ppl, but then again most HR people are dikks

 

[DrX]

I see ...

If this is the case, then you ought to be well-known and well-connected to the point where people call you when they have an opening to see what you're up to, not where you're asking a bunch of people -- regardless of how insightful and as knowledgeable as they have shown themselves to be -- on a messageboard about how to fix a cover letter.

Breh I dont care about this job shyt, its just a temporary solution, my long term goals are way bigger...I just need it until I can get my following built