And for those who can't relate, feel free to diss me, shame me, whatever you want cause it won't hold much effect at this point.
Background
Anyways, growing up I was a pretty sheltered dude. I had my friends, lived in a decent suburban neighbourhood and all that but my parents always promoted that all work no play attitude. It was all about school and helping around the crib in anyway. It goes all the way back to when I was in elementary school. I'd come home from school, sit at home and watch Hey Arnold or whatever, do my math homework, wait for Dragonball Z to come on and hit the bed. In some cases I'd also be forced to go to my mom's place of business once dad came home from work and help load shipping containers being exported overseas. During the summers when my "friends" might've been playing road hockey or out doing what kids do I was helping my mom sell Avon or Kente/Lace materials or run her shop. Weekends were the same with church being the cherry on top (to make matters worse the service was in a language I cant understand).
Basically what I'm saying is my childhood was pretty much stripped and I became an introvert with social anxiety. When high school and even late elementary school came it got to the point where if a classmate was holding a jam (party) or people were going out to do some social stuff I didn't feel comfortable in joining. Furthermore I just didnt feel like I fit in. Going to the movies, window shopping at the mall, going bowling, lying down on beach sand as a dark skinned nikka...I dont know; none of it had any appeal to me. All my nikkas cared about was gear and bagging hoes. I didnt have money for clothing and was stuck wearing hand me downs and because of the social anxiety didnt even feel the need to bag girls. Instead my forte was math, being creative, music, thinking of new ideas, learning about shyt and sadly I didnt know anybody on the same wavelength in my circle. Consequently for a long time I've felt like an Alien on this earth. It's no coincidence that my name is derived from the god of war whose name is that of another planet. I might as well be a martian.
The point of the thread
Now even with the anxiety though I've never held a grudge against my parents for rocketing me into this world from Mars, the planet that is my dad's nutsack. Even with a lack of belongingness and the stripping my childhood. After all, the contributions my brothers and I made make me feel good about myself and have instilled great values. One of these values is probably the only valuable thing that church taught me: the golden rule.
"Treat others as you want to be treated"
Even now as a 21 year old without the social anxiety I still cannot help but feel like I am stuck in a generation, a world where I dont belong. One of the reasons is a serious breach of the rule I listed above. I wont go into any details yet but on a daily basis I come into contact with people and seem to notice a great deal of selfishness, disrespect, cowardliness, connivance and a gang of other vices. I am not holier than thou but I just dont get it. A small string of events has gotten me to just say eff it...I'm going back into my shell and focusing on whats important.
Sometimes I honestly don't know why I am here. Does anybody else feel this way?
It goes deeper but its hard to get it all out there.
Just airing out my thoughts.
. Kind of regret it I cant lie. Didn't go to my prom either but I dont regret that.
this is the exact kind of shyt I'm talking about.
i was more interested in being by my lonesome. A few weeks ago I ran into some dude from my hs who i havent seen in like 10 years, dude was like "we should hang sometime catch up on old times", im like sure and took his number in my phone, i deleted that ish as soon as i got into my car, i have no interest in most people
and I dont feel this way at much. But when I'm in my hometown its a different story. The people here are just...cant put my finger on it. Only good part about being home is being around my closest friends. Hmmm
. On some shonuff shyt.
you for a real ass post.