Whats your opinion on having kids?

[TheDarceKnight]

...and the reality is if you ask most ppl why they had kids their reasons for doing so (or encouraging you to do so) are very selfish

Most people’s reasons for having kids is selfish, but I can’t entirely knock many of those reasons. And it is basically the reason we are all here after all. At some point, the desire to continue the cycle kicks in, especially for women. There are some women that truly don’t want to have kids, but at least by 30 the maternal instinct kicks in for most of them.

 

[TheDarceKnight]

I agree it's an unfair ask but at the same time I understand why they'd want the continued support of someone they share a life with already and supposedly love. I can't fathom ever being in a position where I find my dikk unbearable to the point of lopping it off and adopting a new life as a woman. That isn't a decision that comes lightly and although one has every right to part ways afterwards, I would hope the spouse can manage to stomach their feelings and extend some generosity to the person through out the transition.

I can't believe I'm at a point in my life where I'm caping for transpersons. shyt... I guess life's hard as it is, and I'd rather see people live it it as happy as they can be


Or even worse, some accept their miserable life with their spouse and kids as the norm and want the same for you. God forbid you should want a different/better life for yourself.

You and @dora_da_destroyer are both right, I think.

It’s not unfair to transition and hope for the continued love and support from your partner, and I could never hold the decision of a partner to not change their sexual preferences again them.

If I had a long term partner that I truly loved, and she transitioned, I know that I couldn’t stay sexually attracted and romantically engaged. I would absolutely do everything I could to give as much love and emotional support as possible.

But I don’t think I’d fault almost anyone for whatever decisions they had to make under those circumstances. And if someone could stay sexually attracted then all the respect in the world to them.

 

[Pure Water]

Money pits.

 

[daboywonder2002]

The best advice i can give to the brothas that are thinking about having kids is to focus on genetics. When Lavar ball said it, I ignored it. But genetics are real. Get a woman with a good health history, make sure she's smart. Kids pick up their parents traits so you have to look at all of that. If you want your child to play sports, get you an athletic woman. Get you an instagram thot with no talent if you want to, see how your kids turn out.

 

[Dave24]

Man it's a whole lot of risks that folks don't even consider in advance. That's why I'm not surprised at the lower birth rates in developed, more educated nations. The better informed, and financially stable one is, the less likely they'll be to have kids.

On a personal tip, I can relate a lot to your co-worker's situation. I tied the knot at a young age when I was fully committed to religion. Fast forward a dozen years and I'm a full blown atheist with a lot of resentment towards my previous faith as I felt a lot of the beliefs were detrimental to my growth. Normally I would've stayed closeted (as is the case with the rest of my family - parents don't know I'm an atheist), but in the case of my wife I had to come clean because I strongly disagree with raising our kids in the faith. I want to focus on their academic, and social development absent of any fears of punishment from the supernatural. I want to expose them to as much as of this world, it's history, and inner workings so their views are grounded in reality, and aren't compromising their happiness, or success in this life based on an unconfirmed afterlife.

You can imagine the kind of shock this presents to a wife when she finds out she's married to a heathen . And in all fairness, I completely understand her feelings, and how unfair all of this is to her. As she puts it, "she didn't sign up for this [marriage to an atheist]". But at the same time, my goal is a better life for ours sons, and filling their minds up at a young age with what I believe to be detrimental lies isn't something I'm willing to compromise on. Our shyt is up in the air at the moment - she's constantly praying I return to the faith whereas I'm trying to get her to adopt a more rational view (Yes, I know I'm barking up the wrong tree with an emotional woman ) but I know the eventual out come will be divorce... and to be completely honest, I'm fine with that.

@analog how/why did you go from being religious to becoming an atheist? I would be very interested in hearing your story/viewpoint. Also, what religion were you formerly part of?

 

[Dave24]

When is it too old to have kids? The older you get(male or female ) the more it increases the chances of your child having mental or physical defects.

I am 35 and will be 36 in October, don't have any kids. I sort of want kids, but don't have the money for it. On top of that, never had a girlfriend because of social anxiety and self esteem issues.

Also, if you don't have kids won't you be considered a genetic failure? The point of life is to reproduce and pass your genes on, that is what every living creature on earth does.


@CopiousX figured this would be an interesting topic for you to comment on

 

[mr. smoke weed]

A little girl on girl action is completely out of the question?

I don't ever see how I could do that stuff with my girlfriend.......lock down status

 

[mr. smoke weed]

Thanks for all the positive non-divisive content in this thread. Good to see where all the brehs are at.

 

[TheDarceKnight]

The best advice i can give to the brothas that are thinking about having kids is to focus on genetics. When Lavar ball said it, I ignored it. But genetics are real. Get a woman with a good health history, make sure she's smart. Kids pick up their parents traits so you have to look at all of that. If you want your child to play sports, get you an athletic woman. Get you an instagram thot with no talent if you want to, see how your kids turn out.

Thank you! I started thinking about that more after 30. Like, at this point there’s no way I could settle down with someone that doesn’t like working out at all, even if they look fine now. It’s a huge part of my life, and not only are my personal preferences at play, but I don’t want someone that’s unhealthy for the sake of potential kids.

Akso I almost feel guilty to say I’m thinking more about mental health. I struggled with addiction pretty bad, and it’s in my genes. I’d definitely be more nervous now than 5-10 years ago about settling down with a girl that also struggled with the same issues. I’d be more scared about my kid being doubley at risk for something that was such a rough time for me.

 

[TheDarceKnight]

When is it too old to have kids? The older you get(male or female ) the more it increases the chances of your child having mental or physical defects.

I am 35 and will be 36 in October, don't have any kids. I sort of want kids, but don't have the money for it. On top of that, never had a girlfriend because of social anxiety and self esteem issues.

Also, if you don't have kids won't you be considered a genetic failure? The point of life is to reproduce and pass your genes on, that is what every living creature on earth does.


@Dave24 figured this would be an interesting topic for you to comment on

You didn't ask me, but I'm the same age as you, so I would like to throw in my 2 cents, because I've looked up a lot on this. My bad ahead of time for the essay, but I don't have a good Too Long Didn't Read.

There are definitely some newer studies that are pointing to autism possibly being a higher risk if men have kids after 35-40, but at the same time, these risks are still somewhat marginal. I mean if you have kids at 40-50 it's less safe than now, but still not likely that they will be autistic or have mental/physical health problems, you know? I think it's healthy you are taking the risk into consideration. Still, I'm probably getting my sperm frozen this year or next. You may also want to look into that. I don't think it's very expensive. The truth is that the biological clock is still a bigger problem for men than women. And men typically have the luxury of dating younger women, so you still have some time to settle down with someone younger that is unlikely to have fertility issues from the female side of things.

Peronsally I'd like to have kids by the time I'm 40-45 if possible, because I don't want to be 65 when my kid is graduating high school. I'd like to be as youthful and vibrant for as much of their lives as possible. But again, it's a stupid process to try and rush. "Settling down with the wrong person can fukk your life up worse than cancer." - Bill Burr (who funny enough has had his 1st two kids after the age of 50, and both are healthy and happy kids.)

Regarding the genetic failure thing, I honestly don't think that shyt matters, but I also have a family that could care less whether the family name goes on, and I've never had a lick of pressure to give my folks grandkids. I mean it is what it is, either way. The point of life from a biological standpoint is to pass genes on, but as a philosophy major, I think for you ( literally you, @CopiousX ) that the point of your life is to find what it means for you, and live the best life you can in accordance with it, ideally being grateful for as much as possible, and doing the best you can to serve others in a way that also makes you feel fulfilled. The love that we show others, and the differences that we make in this world, are some of the few things we can do that will ripple out through eternity. If you really want to be a father and help raise a new generation, without having kid, you can look into adopting. And it's not the same, but you can be a mentor or do good things to help out the youth.

Life is already so stressful, breh. I sincerely hope you don't feel any pressure of being a failure at life if you don't pass on your genes. As a man, you still have a lot of time left to make the decision. Touching on your one other point about self-esteem and social anxiety. This may not be the the thread, but I really wish I could do more to help. One pro to your situation is you aren't bringing an ex-wife or past children into a relationship, and you don't have baggage. At our age that's rare. This could be very refreshing to a future partner of yours. I have a lot of exes lol, but have only one that I truly wanted to settle down with, and sadly the feeling wasn't mutual.

Feel free to inbox me if I can ever lend an ear man!

 

[analog]

@analog how/why did you go from being religious to becoming an atheist? I would be very interested in hearing your story/viewpoint. Also, what religion were you formerly part of?

Being born into a Muslim family, the shyt was forced on me at a very young age. And just like with other religions, as a child, I stood no chance in being able to take a critical look at what's being presented, leaving me no choice but to accept it all as truth. And it's very hard to shake with the same ideas constantly being reinforced by everyone, and everything around you well into adulthood.

It took me three decades for my curiosity to get the best of me and I started digging into the question, "Why do I believe this, and how do I know it's true". I've read a lot, spoken to a lot, and no matter how much juelzing went on, it always came down to the requirement: take it on faith. And that was a poor, unacceptable reason in my eyes given all religions use that same crutch. You're asking a lot of me to believe, and practice this religion... and the best you got is take my word for it? shyt, if God wants me believe he exists he can present himself to me, and if he wants me to worship him then he can make a case as to why I should. A whole lot easier then some ducktales slapped together ages ago.

Also, one constant that kept nagging at me was the sorry state a lot of folks around me were in. If this shyt was so glorious, why are so many living so poorly? Surely the religion should give you the tools to acquire happiness and success... Answer: "This life, and its hardships are just a test. The glory will come in the hereafter. Be patient"

I don't want to carry on too long so I'll just conclude with I no longer felt there was sufficient evidence to warrant belief. In addition to that, I no longer felt the religion provided an avenue to (financial) success, nor personal happiness. E.g. Aversion to interest. This has long been a wealth building tool, but I can't even take out a mortgage for a property or a business loan from a bank without going to hell? Also, pre-marital sex = bad. So you got dudes that been waiting their whole lives and the first piece of ass on their wedding night laying there like a corpse. You can't imagine the amount of miserable married cats with sorry ass sex lives. bytch can't take dikk, won't suck dikk, or even let 'em play with her booty . It's cats with hoes on the side that stay running to the Mosque to ask God for forgiveness for the little joy they were able to attain. All nonsense.

 

[NaijaProdigy Redux]

I just don’t have the patience for them nor do I like the thought of compromising my freedom / ability to make decisions on the whim (quit my job, leave the country or move cities)

Maybe that will change but I’ve always hated being tied down by situations (e.g., girlfriends)

 

[TheDarceKnight]

@analog much respect to you, brother. I really commend you for not comprising your core values, even if it means potentially losing your marriage over it. I think that takes a lot of guts to do. A lot of people would placate their spouse and just go through the motions of maintaining their faith, even if deep down they let it go. I think it's noble that you don't want to bullshyt your kid and are living an authentic life about your atheism.

I really wish I were religious. I've read mad studies that suggest religious people are happier. I've experienced some things on reflective psilocybin (mushroom) sessions in recent years that turned me from a staunch atheist to being more truly agnostic. I feel there really might be something more powerful out there that we don't understand, but until I see the evidence I'm not able to bring myself to being a main of faith. I just can't get myself there.

Anyways, just wanted to salute you for not compromising yourself just to keep someone else placated.

 

[TheDarceKnight]

I just don’t have the patience for them nor do I like the thought of compromising my freedom / ability to make decisions on the whim (quit my job, leave the country or move cities)

Maybe that will change but I’ve always hated being tied down by situations (e.g., girlfriends)

I generally like my freedom too. The funny thing too is literally everyone I know that's married tells me their jealous. And it's not even the things I'd expect, like "you're lucky you don't have to just sleep with one woman forever." It's the title things, like, "Damn, I can't believe you can just go home from work and do as much or as little as you want to do. I miss that freedom." Those are the type of comments I get.

One of my best friends wants to make a career change but can't, because he's got multiple kids, and he literally can't afford to take even a few months of a financial hit to start his own business, or go back to grad school, etc. He feels so trapped.

The grass is always greener though. Despite me agreeing with you on all this shyt, I'm generally a happier person when I'm in a relationship. I'm really good for 1-3 years. Usually around that 2-year mark I start feeling a little tied down. I said it above, but the only person I ever wanted to settle down and have kids with didn't feel the same way. Usually I've been in situations where my partner was the one that ended up wanting more from me than me from her. The only time I wanted more, it wasn't an option for me. Ironic.

 

[Disclosure]

I know I am an outlier but I hate children. I cant stand to be around them. I dont like it when they talk to me. They are loud, shyt and piss themselves and carry all kinds of diseases. I avoid family gathering because I dont like being around my nieces and nephews. I used to be able to hide this part of my personality when i was younger but the older I get it gets harder and other people can definitely tell when you hate children, especially their own and start acting funny towards me if i dont baby talk to them like its some kind of fukking poodle.

fukk no I dont want no kids


this felt really good writing it out.