My extreme dislike of this country has devolved into pure seething hatred in the past two weeks.
I can't even focus on anything since the past couple of days.
life has been feeling like hell.
I don't even want to talk to women or even have a relationship anymore. Thanks to this board and others I can't even approach a woman anymore without me thinking in the back of my mind that she might not be into me cause I'm black...or African...or if not those cause I don't have money. I don't even want to have sex again either and I just don't see it happening anytime soon.
I just see so many bad qualities in people that are a problem in this country's culture I just can't even enjoy anything...anymore.
People on this board love say I'm complaining, but I realize the only way to enjoy America as a black person is to either to be dumb as shyt or willfully ignorant.
They don't understand that's how I look at them...as just dumb and willfully ignorant. I wish I could be as dumb and willfully ignorant as them...then I wouldn't be doubting myself or overthinking as much. And I'd probably be enjoying life more. And it's sad that so many black people here in this country just disappoint me nowadays more than amaze me, impress me, or inspire me.
I don't think I'll ever be happy in this country as long as I live here...it's not even a "think" I know so.
Which is why I plan on not living here any longer.
Living here I've gone through moments where I just didn't even want to live anymore.
Somedays I feel like I wasn't meant to be here. Or be successful. Or be successful here. There's just no one like me here...which is why I just tend to be on that loner tip. I've found people I share common interests with...but I've never met anybody I could really relate to. Man or woman.
People on this board don't understand the experience of being a first generation African/West Indian living in this country.
I don't have an American name. I've gone ages with people mispronouncing it.
Most people view me and approach with much discomfort. I honestly could not tell you the qualities of a genuine person cause I've never seen anybody display these qualities in my presence.
AAs have family ties generations deep...my family wasn't even here before the 70s. I have no connection to this country that's why I feel the way I do about it.
Sometimes I feel people would rather talk to your average AA then me. And I honestly wouldn't harm a fly.
I was even shunned for so many years from AAs too...
The older I got, the white people I hung out with in my circle from growing up in white suburbia dwindled to less than 3.
I
t's to the point I just realize how alone I am cause I'm alone most of the time.
I've had nightmarish experiences.
People say how friendly AMericans are? LOL...Americans are mean and fukking inconsiderate a$$holes from my perspective.
Even the simplest things like trying to initiate a conversation, trying to find work, trying to date and meet women in my experiences are just made to feel almost impossible.
Even during my college years at a PWI that I just am beyond filled with resentment for attending at this point...simple things like asking people for homework were met with uncooperative responses as if I was asking for a spare part for a 1988 Mercedes Benz.
Try living your life entering your teen to adult years having people treat you like your some sideshow freak and you'll end up thinking that's what you are.
I see "normal" people living their "normal" lives and apart from being black, african, west indian, and male that didn't grow up in a black neighborhood or have that connection to black America or Americans...I just see myself on the outskirts.
I don't see myself even getting married...or having kids...or living that stereotypical life in the suburbs of America working eating the sleeping and waiting to die and that's it.
Many days I just end up feeling depressed and beyond angry just dealing with the shyt I've dealt with for so long I can't even bear to be around alot of people anymore.
Which leads me to me being fake and pretending about certain things just to get people to shut up and leave me alone.
I'd figure I'd rather just leave for somewhere else and figure out life here before this country drives me to the point of extreme rage and I end up hurting someone or myself because of it.
The only way to restore my mind and probably restore a positive outlook on life is to take along vacation from here and not look at the internet or a phone or anything like that. I'd just like to go to a desert island somewhere and skip stones and draw in a sketchbook. And think about when I was actually optimistic about life before every bit of joy I used to have was just drained out of me from dealing with all the bullshyt here.
I'm a bad mxfkaBarber got a nicca fresh as hell, that's just one expense I don't mind having. Cutting my own hair is not something I care to try and do on my own.
Everyone had damage to their cars, some worse than others. The adjuster just finished looking at my car and it was $3200 worth of damage 
Of course there may be more once I take it to the shop. The shop is closed for the 4th so I'm just going to wait until after then to deal with it. The funniest part was that it was only the area we were in that go hail. Everyone else got rain 
