Solutions on dealing with heartbreak?

[murksiderock]

@murksiderock

There’s no definitive answer

I went through a tough situation post break up with an ex that i proposed to

She was in Columbus i was in Marietta

Stuff stopped adding up

When we broke up, i did the break up, and it took me forever to get past that

Time is the only thing that helps you move past things,

I think that season with her has passed

I'm working on it bro. It's hard, my heart skips every time I see her. It's rough right now but I'm pushing thru it!

 

[MikelArteta]

Well I'd never want my girls dealing with a man like me because the natural desire is they choose better than me...

But there are positive elements of myself that I think they can take that are wonderful in a mate. I don't think I'm a bad guy...



I agree with this. And I just think for me, I can develop myself independently but also understand there's a chance we can reconcile. That also means I understand there's a chance we won't...







First off, I appreciate you two. This sequence of posts does highlight where I an now, yall read me right. I may very well be stuck on stupid, this idea that she and I are the ones who can overcome this mess...

I can tell you've been thru something and trust me your advice is helping. In general I think of myself as a guy who loves myself. But I can't really disagree with the outlook that I'm representing in this situation as someone who doesn't love myself enough, I'm exalting her when I shouldn't be. I get that part of it and don't know how I got here...

It's that "well there's a chance" shyt fukking with me...



I appreciate this, brother!



Time healed the heartbreak of prior relationships and family/childhood trauma for me. It'll heal me here too, I think...

The biggest thing that fukks with me here is knowing how well I've treated this woman. Not perfectly, certainly. But I treated this woman well and to see it take the route it's taken has fukked with me, it's like I could understand it better of I was a complete piece of shyt to her...

we've all been there breh trust. Hope dies last just gotta take it on the chin and keep moving forward, one day you'll wake up and think of her less and less .


At the end of the day if a woman wants to be with you it doesn't matter what you do she will be there, and if she doesn't want to be with you it doesn't matter what you do she won't.

 

[MikelArteta]

I'm working on it bro. It's hard, my heart skips every time I see her. It's rough right now but I'm pushing thru it!

It's normal one day it won't skip anymore. Stop looking at photos, stop jerking off to her, stop looking at her social media, stop talking to her close friends about her, stop sending signals. Regardless of how you feel just push forward there will be good days, bad days etc. just gotta keep pushing.

 

[Lucky_Lefty]

 

[IVS]

there really are none.

just gotta keep Poppin

 

[B86]

hit the gym

That lasts all of an hour or so. This man needs long-term relief. You got damn gym rats think that’s the solution to everything lol

 

[IIVI]

Time really and unfortunately that's something you can't really cheat or take shortcuts on. It knows exactly how many hours have passed.

There are certain things that can help, and many people have already shared some of those things.

However, time still requires time. Stay positive when you can: many people have been down bad before and they were able to get through it.

 

[DropTopDoc]

I'm working on it bro. It's hard, my heart skips every time I see her. It's rough right now but I'm pushing thru it!

It’s not going to be easy,

Bruh i burned out my mind just in time from erykah badu tf out every day, what’s crazy i was dealing with a chick right after, (but she wasn’t trying to come up off some cat, so we ended up stopping, and got back together some time later, but that’s another story) it was…. Just time, funny enough me and the girl i broke up with connected some time later and got it poppin, and proceeded to fall back and we just hit each other up every now and again, she’s engaged i hope she’s a better woman for him, but I’ve moved on(still would hit) and I’ve moved on

 

[Studious one]

Here’s the cold hard truth. There’s nothing you can really do. Sure you’ll get a lot of suggestions to workout, see other women, keep yourself busy but in reality those are just heart & mind bandaids. Meaning, the emotional pain is still there underneath it all. You just have to let your mind process it and disconnect over time.

The ONLY thing that helps is time and distance. The longer you go without seeing ANYTHING that reminds you of her the more helpful it is to heal. Try not to slip down memory lane comas thinking of what could’ve been and what you lost.

I was where you were November 2021 to all of last year. It takes time.

Good luck breh. I know how you feel.

That’s it. There’s nothing else you can do but time passes and you get over it. The pain subsides eventually. That shyt is horrible though!

 

[Jean toomer]

Kids complicate these things. If you want a relationship with your kids you need to deal with the mother dispassionately. Emotionally you’ve got to move on. Try speaking to a therapist or a trusted friend who can be impartial and brutally honest with you for a few months. Just know that things will get better and that’s half the battle.
Good luck to you.

 

[Studious one]

I think anything is worth salvaging if both people are willing to work together on it. With that being said, it simply doesn’t seem like she wants to. Maybe some more time needs to pass. The question is, why do you want her back? Are there good traits that she has that you are holding onto? Does the bad outweigh the good? You said money was one of the grievances, are you prepared to reach a compromise with her? As far as the guy, that could possibly be true. I mean, when you come to the door, is he in boxers with a toothpick in his mouth or some shyt ( I laughed at this visual)?

 

[Professor Emeritus]

Used to help me to blast some meaningful songs as loud as I could, sometimes the same song repeatedly. As others have said, keep doing shyt, don't sit around in your house and dwell. Eat right and sleep right, keep yourself healthy. It takes time.

 

[Tommy Lee Jones]

That lasts all of an hour or so. This man needs long-term relief. You got damn gym rats think that’s the solution to everything lol

Between getting there and back, showering, it could take 2 hours. I agree in theory. I should of said get into training vs. going to the gym. That means get into your nutrition, study training, watch videos on youtube about working out, etc.

 

[maxamusa]

if you have kids its worth fighting for; if not fukk it.


you should get a hotel somewhere for a weekend and do some Molly together. you're welcome.

 

[murksiderock]

I think anything is worth salvaging if both people are willing to work together on it. With that being said, it simply doesn’t seem like she wants to. Maybe some more time needs to pass. The question is, why do you want her back? Are there good traits that she has that you are holding onto? Does the bad outweigh the good? You said money was one of the grievances, are you prepared to reach a compromise with her? As far as the guy, that could possibly be true. I mean, when you come to the door, is he in boxers with a toothpick in his mouth or some shyt ( I laughed at this visual)?

Good questions...

Why do I want her back? Because our best moments were truly great. I can laugh with her, the sex was fire, at her best she was a rider, gave me a space to vent. We planned a future together. Our best moments were probably the best moments I've had with any woman and that's hard to let go of.

There are good traits I'm holding on to. Her poorer characteristics are definitely there and I question myself on whether I magnified the things I don't like about her, over the things I love...

I saw her yesterday and I recognize that she's much more of a grudge holder than I am. Actually knew this before yesterday. Bit some of the things she's holding on to:

•I'm a "harsh" speaker and very critical and my tone and stance in various topics has hurt her and caused her to shut down with me
•the whole money thing
•the whole leaving thing

I've made her feel as if I devalued her in my life. And I probably did. She wasn't first nor second. I spoke of a future with her at times, then there were other times I said things blatantly or exhibited that I didn't want to he around her. I de-prioritized her. I helped her to feel alone with things I directly said and did...

So these things have heightened consideration for me now than ever before, at any time. She's the only woman I've ever wanted to go hard to get back, and though this situation is unique, it isn't the first time a man has been involved in some capacity---->my oldest kids' mother started dating the guy she's currently engaged to, while we were "broken up" but still living together and still periodically intimate with each other;

There was also a time my homeboy saw her in traffic with a guy in her car but couldn't catch up to her to affirm it and of course she denied it;

The girl I dated before that was fukking on the man that fixed her car who she'd worked with prior;

The girl I dated before that was still fukking with her "ex" who wasn't really her ex, I was the side nikka and just didn't realize it...

All these examples I was in different phases of my own development, and I bring them up twofold: I don't need cats telling me not to trust women, I already know from my own journey alot of women can't be trusted, but 2, I didn't bug out with these women like I am now...

The first chick I was hurt but just left. The second chick I just fukked some chicks myself. My BM, was hurt but didn't really go hard to get her back, I told her I was hurt and it got ugly but I didn't try to win her affection or our relationship back...

Each situation and each woman is unique, no two situations are exactly alike even though there are parallels in some instances. Not saying you don't understand this. I guess I'm underscoring for brothers in here, I understand all the arguments for moving on. I do.

I've had situations with other women that inspired different reactions and emotions from me, so it isn't just about the guy. It's about her and she's the first woman I'm trying to understand her process and her perception and my effect on her...

I was with my kids mom for 4½ years and put minimal effort into trying to understand her. Very minimal, it eouldnt be true to say I didn't try at all but I certainly spent minimal energy on her...

So something about this one, it's different. And I can make an argument that I'm justifying, my mother told me last night that I'm trying to convince myself to get back with her. I told her, I can convince myself of any side of the argument, depending on what the topic is, and my ex would say I convinced myself of other things (I've called her a liar in situations I didn't know she was necessarily lying about, but that was based on catching her in other lies; I convinced myself that she's a gold digger; I convinced myself she was lazy rather than stressed or depressed, etc). She's called me out on this, both recently and in the past...

So those "convincing" myself influenced other decisions I made for myself rather than us. And she emotes differently than I do, were far contrasted in that case, so the way we respond to situations aren't alike. That's part of the issue here, is I responded to what I viewed as long term actions from her, she's responded to that, and here we are...

It could be over, and I agree with fellas, when a woman is truly done and moved on, she's done. She ain't done though, I see her and hear from her all throughout the week. She's certainly in the state of considering it, and questioning it, and of course I threw the first strike on December 29 when I told her I was done with her...

So she's definitely weighing her options, and despite what she's said, I do think she's considered someone else. But she isn't done and as a woman, I mean you tell me because you are a woman, but a woman who is truly done isn't engaging the conversations with me, doesn't do certain things she's doing. She's hurt and she's justified her actions and responses based on hurt...

She isn't done though and because I'm not either. It's worth fighting for. Because we have a child it's worth fighting for. When I broke up with her on December 29 we were only a little over 2 years into our relationship (Thanksgiving 2020). We only gave it 2 years. We both gave longer to prior people. We had more good than bad. I don't know that, that was ever the case in any of my prior relationships, and I won't speak for her, but based on what she's told me of her prior relationships, I'm not positive she can say that of hers:

•she was with her high school sweetheart on/off for 7 years. She does say he was a good guy and this may be the one relationship she says was more good than bad, though their low points were rough;
•her baby daddy is a similar situation to the first girl I mentioned, she was the side chick and didn't realize it initially and had two kids with him;
•the guy before me she's said was the worst relationship she was in

There's just so much meat on the bone here. This weekend, this thread helped me realize that there's possibly no return here, abd whether guys can see it in my posts or not, I'm okay with that!

I wasn't at this recognizance or acknowledgement before the weekend. There is healing and growth for me within the last two days just from this recognizance. We may not be able to return and it'll sting but the sharpness of that won't hit as hard...

But it is at least worth fighting for, and she isn't done either. And that's where I am now. She's certainly going hard at me, not allowing me back in or regaining her trust yet, but she isn't done. And it's worth the fight, and I do think I'll know if she is...

And to the point about the guy, as men who are hurt, it's ALWAYS hard to believe a woman with another man involved. But you're a woman and I agree with you, there's a possibility she's telling the truth. That, because I took away my support from her, she reached into a platonic bag with another guy who needed help himself from his own situation, and it's mutually benefitting each other. And she didn't consider what I'd think about because I told her I was done with her, and she knew it was wrong to not tell me about the guy but that's something sh didn't care about because when she's hurt this is how she fights back. But she isn't interested in him and they've had no intimacy or flirtations...

From my perspective, especially the initial occurrence, this is difficult to believe. But it's in the realm of possibility and I have to allow for that, the same way I've allowed for the possibility this is an intimate thing, because a)I want her back and b)I'm not positive my initial reaction is accurate. He was fully clothed when he cane up and our 30-second interaction, one of the things he said was "this is probably not what you think it is, have you talked to her". Which, I ain't got a reason to believe this nikka, he could be lying to me too...

I'm just verifying that I agree with you, she COULD BE telling me the truth on the nature of their relationship and because we aren't "done", I have to allow for that possibility...

I am prepared to reach a financial compromise with her. I am prepared for that conversation and if she isn't on my terms then it can't work, but I'll also say I'm willing to bend in ways I haven't bent for her previously...