***** Common Cognitive Distortions *****
1. Always Being Right: We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable, and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. Being right is often more important than the feelings of others, even loved ones (e.g., “You’re an addict, you have no credibility, so don’t try to convince me otherwise” or “I don’t care how you feel… you need to concede and apologize”).
2. Blaming: We hold other people responsible for our pain , or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem (e.g., “You made me this way, so this is what you get” or, “you’re right, everything that has happened to us is my fault!”).
3. Catastrophizing: We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing” (e.g., During/ after a fight: “You have not changed, and you’ll never change” or, “Why are you bringing that up? It’s been a year already, when are you going to get over this?).
4. Control Fallacies: If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as a helpless victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us (e.g., “I will never get better if you keep doing things like that” [external], or, “She’s right . I destroy any opportunity for us to create any new and meaningful memories” [internal]).
5. Emotional Reasoning: We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect the way things really are – “I feel it, therefore it must be true” (e.g., “You can’t tell me how to feel! I just feel it in my gut… you must be acting out again” or, “I feel like you hate me and will never forgive me, so I want out, I want a divorce”).
6. Fallacy of Change: We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them ( e.g., “I’ll feel better when you get rid of your secretary” or, “If you worked your COSA (Co- Sex) program instead of trying to change me, I’d be happy”).
7. Fallacy of Fairness: We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. We go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness,” and often feel badly and negative because expectations never measure up (e.g., “I’m the one doing all the work, you aren’t going to therapy, meetings, or talking to your family to make things better. Why do I have to do all the work? Its not fair!”).
***** Common Ego Defenses *****
1. Acting Out: We deal with conflict, struggles or disagreements by engaging in inappropriate behavior that harms us or our relationship (Using sex, food, work, relationships, rage or passive-aggressive behaviors to manage your emotions).
2. Attacking: We engage in verbal or physical aggression or intimidation to wear the other person down when we feel threatened (Name calling, getting in one’s face, labeling the other, breaking things in order to intimidate them).
3. Avoidance: We evade, shun deflect or circumvent something that causes anxiety or discomfort (Hiding behind a “wall of words,” or, over the top compliance or, by being nice).
4. Denial: We refuse to acknowledge or integrate vital information concerning a feeling, thought, event or circumstance (Dismissing the thoughts, feelings or experience of another without consideration, or, refusing to integrate some vital information that helps you to know yourself, your spouse or components of any situation better, and, into your awareness).
5. Displacement: We shift uncomfortable or distressing feelings that originate with one person to a “safer” or more vulnerable target (Yelling at the kids when you’d like to yell at your spouse, driving fast to express or escape the rage you are not expressing appropriately, acting out).
6. Dissociation: We split off, separate or compartmentalize significant parts of our mental experience due to the immense distress or traumatization it causes us (Suppressing, repressing or not thinking about traumatic and painful experiences that have occurred to you).
7. Emotionality: We engage in outbursts and displays of emotion with the intent to hide, masquerade or obscure the truth or reality (Initiating a fight to distract from addressing important issues that are creating distress, or feigning depression or anxiety in order to not work through your personal or relational issues with integrity).
8. Fixation: We become stuck in a younger ego state or stage of psychological development, which hampers our ability to function at our actual age, ego state and current stage of psychological development (Demonstrating childlike or adolescent responses when distressed versus responses which are reflective of your capability to respond as a functional adult).
9. Fantasy: We forsake reality and the world that we live in, and replace it with an imaginary make believe world of our own creation (Escape, avoid, and/ or resist reality at all costs via acting out behaviors, which primarily help you to self-medicate for pleasure, or, to escape intra- or interpersonal hurt, pain or anxiety).
10. Help-Rejecting Complaining: We ask for help, or complain that others are not helping us enough, then, when we receive their help, we dismiss their contribution in order to protect or remain in the unhealthy “one-down” victim stance that keeps us falsely empowered (Conveying repetitive comments without offering up thoughtful solutions is basically complaining that will eventually reject help, and solidifies one’s victim stance and status).
11. Intellectualization: We circumvent our emotions by engaging in cerebral or factual conversations, in order to reduce our anxiety or manage other undesirable feelings.
12. Passive Aggression: We express our disappointment toward others indirectly, because they either want something from us that we are not ready to give, or, because we are not getting something that we want from them (The intent is to make them hurt, because you hurt).
13. Projection: We propel onto others uncomfortable, undesirable or unacceptable characteristics that we see or have in ourselves, as a way to reduce our internal anxiety.
14. Provocation: We incite or instigate some form of emotional arousal in others so that we could take out our anger or revenge upon them (Picking fights versus communicating with integrity about your psychological wants, needs and requests for change).
15. Rationalization: We invent or provide inaccurate reasons for impulses or behavior that we wish to justify and present as truth (A good friend called this the “rational lies” that we tell to justify our thoughts and behavior to ourselves or to others).
16. Reaction Formation: We avoid something by taking a diametrically opposed position (Professing love for someone you hate, or, appearing to have it together, when you don’t).
17. Regression: We engage in child-like behavior or revert to a child-like ego state in an attempt to avoid dealing with problems from our actual or psychologically developmental age (As evidenced by pouting, or engaging in fear based behavior to manipulate outcomes).
18. Resistance: We consciously block and refuse to integrate information about our behavior that is a “blind spot to us, but not to others (Another form of denial. There is a saying, “what you resist, will persist.” Ask yourself, “What is the secondary gain I receive for employing resistance, and subsequently, not addressing my problems truthfully and with integrity?”).
19. Somatization: We avoid dealing with emotional problems by converting or masking them as physical symptoms or ailments (Persistently complaining of headaches, stomachaches, fatigue , etc. to avoid addressing problems that require your attention).
20. Undoing: We avoid distress and anxiety connected to our engagement in unacceptable behavior by doing the opposite of that behavior, usually in an attempt to negate its meaning and effect upon ourselves and/ or others (Teetotaler by day, but a raging alcoholic at night).
