Essential Quick Lil Gems on Dealing with Women

The ADD

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funny thing is when you bring this shyt up to some people they will hurl insults at you; call you an incel, say you hate women, blame you for meeting women in the wrong places etc but its quite the opposite.

i have no problem meeting women and fukkin women...i dont want to waste my time and energy doing that though; I want one solid woman to rock with :laff:
:leon:
 

bigde09

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I have this issue I keep running into, and I know the brotha @re'up will :snoop: lmao

Whenever I meet a chick, the vast majority of the time they will play these cat and mouse games. They will take long to respond, sometimes they may ignore messages, sometimes they may flake on dates, etc. I have improved over the years to where this shyt doesnt affect me as much early on and I am able to play it cool but lately I feel like I have been falling for the okie doke.

The reason I say this is because I am by nature a very direct and forthright communicator. Naturally, after a few dates things will ramp up and the communication will improve and I willl know the girl is starting to fukk with me heavy. However, a lot of the time after ramping up these girls will kinda just distance themselves and I am back to square one feeling like I am walking on eggshells. I know consciously what is going on but instead of staying at an arms length as well, sometimes I get caught up in the moment and will ask them whats up or call them out. I often feel like I chase away girls as a result (though deep down i know these girls are probably up to no good behind the scenes anyway - so maybe its for the best)

This is something I gotta really work on going forward. I discussed it many years ago talking about something I call the whacamole theory but I havent been taking my own advice these days. Maybe its cause I am getting older and less patient. Yall ever deal with this?
I’m naturally aloof and I’m horrible at texting and calling back and it never fails, women get drawn to that shyt. Makes them more eager to talk to you, see you, respond in a timely manner. They have 1,000 men in their inbox and the one that isn’t super thirsty for convo or replies are the men that interest them the most. It’s backwards af but that’s the shyt they are drawn to. Women will ALWAYS take a step back if they feel like you are too into them in the beginning stages. Always.

It’s so cliche to say but I just don’t give a fukk. I talk to them on my timing and when I feel like it and it opens them up so much more than trying to get consistent communication out of them.

And if you call them out on their flaky ways, most of the time, they are falling alllll the way back after that.

People complain how fukked up the dating game is now but women mostly still act the same. Once you know and truly understand their tendencies, it becomes so easy after that.

I don’t worry about walking on egg shells because I just don’t care. You can’t fake that I don’t care attitude either. Either you do or you don’t.
 

Ohene

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I’m naturally aloof and I’m horrible at texting and calling back and it never fails, women get drawn to that shyt. Makes them more eager to talk to you, see you, respond in a timely manner. They have 1,000 men in their inbox and the one that isn’t super thirsty for convo or replies are the men that interest them the most. It’s backwards af but that’s the shyt they are drawn to. Women will ALWAYS take a step back if they feel like you are too into them in the beginning stages. Always.

It’s so cliche to say but I just don’t give a fukk. I talk to them on my timing and when I feel like it and it opens them up so much more than trying to get consistent communication out of them.

And if you call them out on their flaky ways, most of the time, they are falling alllll the way back after that.

People complain how fukked up the dating game is now but women mostly still act the same. Once you know and truly understand their tendencies, it becomes so easy after that.

I don’t worry about walking on egg shells because I just don’t care. You can’t fake that I don’t care attitude either. Either you do or you don’t.
the bold is the key. i cant fake that shyt bruh

thing is sometimes doing that shyt just causes the woman to mirror the same shyt. so now everyone taking one or two days to respond, everyone ignoring calls, everyone flaking on plans.

i dont get how yall do it lol. seems like a complete waste
 

bigde09

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the bold is the key. i cant fake that shyt bruh

thing is sometimes doing that shyt just causes the woman to mirror the same shyt. so now everyone taking one or two days to respond, everyone ignoring calls, everyone flaking on plans.

i dont get how yall do it lol. seems like a complete waste
I used to be like that but I be so into the shyt I got going on in my own life now that if a woman starts flaking I’m like :ehh:

The real cheat code is getting them attached to you and still be aloof. They will be yours until you get tired of it. You gotta be a sociopath with them. it’s fukkked up but that’s the game. Show them some love and attention every now then and aloof the rest of the time.

If you are someone who values direct communication and a no nonsense type of person then you will have moments that will piss you off and call them out on all the bullshyt.
 

Ohene

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I used to be like that but I be so into the shyt I got going on in my own life now that if a woman starts flaking I’m like :ehh:

The real cheat code is getting them attached to you and still be aloof. They will be yours until you get tired of it. You gotta be a sociopath with them. it’s fukkked up but that’s the game. Show them some love and attention every now then and aloof the rest of the time.

If you are someone who values direct communication and a no nonsense type of person then you will have moments that will piss you off and call them out on all the bullshyt.
i gotta do better lol. i am naturally aloof with some chicks but once we break past a certain point I get too invested

part of the issue is i been unemployed the last 7 months so i be having a lot of time o n my hands if the interviews dry up...especially with it being crazy cold right now
 

LiveFromLondon

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I have this issue I keep running into, and I know the brotha @re'up will :snoop: lmao

Whenever I meet a chick, the vast majority of the time they will play these cat and mouse games. They will take long to respond, sometimes they may ignore messages, sometimes they may flake on dates, etc. I have improved over the years to where this shyt doesnt affect me as much early on and I am able to play it cool but lately I feel like I have been falling for the okie doke.

The reason I say this is because I am by nature a very direct and forthright communicator. Naturally, after a few dates things will ramp up and the communication will improve and I willl know the girl is starting to fukk with me heavy. However, a lot of the time after ramping up these girls will kinda just distance themselves and I am back to square one feeling like I am walking on eggshells. I know consciously what is going on but instead of staying at an arms length as well, sometimes I get caught up in the moment and will ask them whats up or call them out. I often feel like I chase away girls as a result (though deep down i know these girls are probably up to no good behind the scenes anyway - so maybe its for the best)

This is something I gotta really work on going forward. I discussed it many years ago talking about something I call the whacamole theory but I havent been taking my own advice these days. Maybe its cause I am getting older and less patient. Yall ever deal with this?
Had to go back and Quote myself for you :youngsabo:
This gon be a long read but feel thats it needed and I will be honest to say I saw this post on Boxden and its some of the coldest game I've read in a while. To add I've not edited it but its so synonymous to you brehs issues.

women, being the more socially oriented of men and women, don't want to be alone.. to a degree that men don't experience

what that means is they will do things to not be alone that men typically wouldn't do

this is why we don't understand some of their behavior.. because we wouldn't operate that way.. sometimes women are just bent on not being alone and so they show up in front of us.. but their heart is somewhere else

i'll try to dig in a little more though, here are some specific reasons u may find that women show up but don't SHOW UP

1. like op said, she's still thinking about her ex aka you're not really a priority you're a rebound.. you're a backup plan at best

you're a rebound keeping her from hitting rock bottom emotionally.. you're a distraction from some guy she probably just refuses to apologize to or something.. or maybe some guy she really likes who likes someone else

who knows the situation? but yeah, rebound.. this is when a man is unaware that he's an emotional tampon (he could be aware and put up with it too tho, in which case he'd be a simp, or a guy with nothing else going on)


2. she has lost the ability to pair bond.. this happens to women who have given out the box too many times to too many people.. they say oxytocin is the bonding hormone.. its like emotional glue.. women have it when they nurse their babies and during intimacy.. the issue is- they say its like a band-aid, when u put a band-aid on the first time it sticks.. but if u rip it off and try to re-apply it somewhere else, its less sticky

women are all in on their first guy.. but are they all in on guy 23?

she gave guy #1 her whole heart.. guy #4 got a piece of her heart.. guy #8 got crumbs.. let this continue until one day she just doesn't care whether you're coming or going.. that's fine for guys who only want sex.. but someone like OP who is looking for someone he can "invest" in, aka have a long term relationship and possibly a family with- doesn't want that woman, because the ability to bond is important for a lasting relationship and/or a family.

3. she thinks you're unattractive.. which could be due to just how u look, or maybe she thinks ur overweight, or maybe she thinks you're too short, she can't show u off to her friends etc


4. u provide a benefit to them and they just want the benefit.. a common one is the foodie call.. but it can be a lot of things.. she can just flat out use u for dates.. she can look at you like "free food at a nice restaurant," "im bored and this is an opportunity to get dressed up and get out the house," "he's taking me to a concert," "i'll have a story to tell my girlfriends when i get back and i'll look cool," "i can take pictures in his nice car and post them on social media" etc.

i recommend all men take inventory of the benefits they provide because some women only want the benefits.. some benefits are not obvious though.. like for example.. when i look back on one of my exes.. i think i validated her.. all her other guys seemed to just want one thing.. but if a woman is just sex to a man, then she experiences no real validation after a while.. my presence in her life validated her.. like for example i sent her flowers to her job.. i didn't know it at the time, but later she told me when she got it, she walked out the office and cried in the car... my point is.. i didn't know i was giving her such a huge benefit.. but men should be aware of the benefits they provide because if a woman isn't acting right- but she still doesn't leave: MOST LIKELY ITS BECAUSE OF THE BENEFITS

op to some extent is experiencing that.. she isn't really 100% acting right.. something is missing.. but she's still around.. why? she likely values what he brings to her life more than she values him as a person

people do this with God also.. ask God for a house, God blesses them with a house, then they forget about God


5. and here's the big one.. dual mating strategy.. in the manosphere its called alpha seed, beta need.. or alpha f***s, beta bucks

basically she has some guy who won't commit to her who blows her back out.. but she lets the chivalrous guy take her on dates and buy her flowers, etc

this happened to me years back when i kept asking a girl to go out with me... i didn't understand why we seemed to have a connection but there seemed to be a wall between us.. i understood tho when she turned up pregnant at work one day

and someone could say "well yeah, yall weren't together so why is that surprising?" the reason is because these are the same women who swear up and down that they're single.. these women will have sex with someone literally every single night and tell you they're single

pretty much any woman describing a relationship with things like "situationship" or "its complicated" is living this way

u see a woman at work and ur like "hey are u in a relationship?" she will say no.. but women aren't counting their friends with benefits, their netflix and chill, or their "no strings attached".. so its very misleading

an unsuspecting guy will be like "ok she's single bet, im bout to see if she wants to come to this concert"

and voila its dual mating strategy.. she got the one guy in the cut, and the guy who tries to win her over.. and when she goes out with that guy to the concert he is going to come away from it feeling that something is missing

the reason is because i can make u your favorite meal but u won't want it if you already ate.. she has no room for him.. in other words, what the date-man offers is not appreciated because the sex-man in the background is where her heart, mind, and emotions are

these days u almost gotta be like "hey so are u single?" she says yes and you gotta follow up with "do you have a friend with benefits?"

even one of my female friends.. i hit her up one day and i was like "hey do u have a boyfriend?" she was like "no but i have a sex partner"

she told me that because i've known her for over 15 years.. but if i was a new guy wanting to holler at her, she would've just said "no" and then allowed the man to play himself trying to wine and dine someone who is getting their box hulk smashed daily


the last thing i want to say is the feeling of being with a woman who is there, but not THERE is one of the worst feelings in my opinion

once u know whats going on then u can just leave her and keep it moving with your life

but if you don't know what's going on- you could make a huge mistake and actually RAMP UP your efforts to try and get her to like u the way u like her, which would technically just be rewarding bad behavior

that feeling is intangible but u know its there.. its like op said "something is missing" or like she has a wall up, or like u two never grow in emotional intimacy or anything

i was with a woman 5 years and sometimes we would grow as a couple.. like a video game going from level 1 to 2 to 3, etc.. it was a healthy situation

conversely, i was with a toxic woman at one time also, and it felt like we just stayed at level 1 and never advanced.. even though she pretended like she wanted things to move forward, it never went anywhere

its one of the worst feelings and that's why i said what i said to op cuz i don't want him to have to go through that.. u put in all this effort and u get this dull, empty, hollow feeling in return.. horrible

i say just leave today.. it seems to me that the best way to deal with bad women is to just not deal with them
 

Ohene

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Had to go back and Quote myself for you :youngsabo:
lol still reading but this shyt hit hard my dude

"sometimes women are just bent on not being alone and so they show up in front of us.. but their heart is somewhere else

i'll try to dig in a little more though, here are some specific reasons u may find that women show up but don't SHOW UP

1. like op said, she's still thinking about her ex aka you're not really a priority you're a rebound.. you're a backup plan at best"
 

re'up

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I have this issue I keep running into, and I know the brotha @re'up will :snoop: lmao

Whenever I meet a chick, the vast majority of the time they will play these cat and mouse games. They will take long to respond, sometimes they may ignore messages, sometimes they may flake on dates, etc. I have improved over the years to where this shyt doesnt affect me as much early on and I am able to play it cool but lately I feel like I have been falling for the okie doke.

The reason I say this is because I am by nature a very direct and forthright communicator. Naturally, after a few dates things will ramp up and the communication will improve and I willl know the girl is starting to fukk with me heavy. However, a lot of the time after ramping up these girls will kinda just distance themselves and I am back to square one feeling like I am walking on eggshells. I know consciously what is going on but instead of staying at an arms length as well, sometimes I get caught up in the moment and will ask them whats up or call them out. I often feel like I chase away girls as a result (though deep down i know these girls are probably up to no good behind the scenes anyway - so maybe its for the best)

This is something I gotta really work on going forward. I discussed it many years ago talking about something I call the whacamole theory but I havent been taking my own advice these days. Maybe its cause I am getting older and less patient. Yall ever deal with this?


I can even chart the kind of difference from 2017/2016, until now, which you have mentioned too. Now, that's all over the place. Everyone has given great insights, but the two that I think about the most are the structure of where and how these convos take place. The context.

1) The medium: Text messaging is just a form of communication and it doesn't really favor authenticity or directness, because it is asynchronous for one. And you have the time to compose a response. Wherever there is room for editing and time to write, there is room for performance, which is why both in person and on phone gives you such drastically different results. Think about why texting started, and where is originated, and who it was first designed for.

-Texting give you the ability to be distant and performative, like the kind of text where it seems like the person is trying to write a message designed specifically for you. Not sure if that makes sense. But it feels more like being "managed" than being communicated with. And I think some of that is not even intentional, so much as just behavioral.

2) My thing is just that I am really open. I am not clingy, not desperate, not overeager, but I am open. I always leave the text exchanges like playing a different game, like all that other shyt is beneath me. So, I am always more vulnerable, because I openly state what's up, and then it's really on the other person. No one can say I was unclear or being weird.

Last, I even read a book on texting, called Speaking With Thumbs, and it gave some really good insight, into taking people's personalities from texts, the word style. The use of first person I. How people tend to respond when being distant or dishonest (they drop the first person, repeat themselves)

You can't take that shyt like gospel truth, but it helps you get the answers you want faster. Degrees of openess from word usage. Someone who focuses on their body or being sick, (my legs are soooooo tired from work) something like that, often very anxious and neurotic. The use of elongating words tends to correspond with anxiety. (sorryyyyy for the late response)
 
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Ohene

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I can even chart the kind of difference from 2017/2016, until now, which you have mentioned too. Now, that's all over the place. Everyone has given great insights, but the two that I think about the most are the structure of where and how these convos take place. The context.

1) The medium: Text messaging is just a form of communication and it doesn't really favor authenticity or directness, because it is asynchronous for one. And you have the time to compose a response. Wherever there is room for editing and time to write, there is room for performance, which is why both in person and on phone gives you such drastically different results. Think about why texting started, and where is originated, and who it was first designed for.

-Texting give you the ability to be distant and performative, like the kind of text where it seems like the person is trying to write a message designed specifically for you. Not sure if that makes sense. But it feels more like being "managed" than being communicated with. And I think some of that is not even intentional, so much as just behavioral.

2) My thing is just that I am really open. I am not clingy, not desperate, not overeager, but I am open. I always leave the text exchanges like playing a different game, like all that other shyt is beneath me. So, I am always more vulnerable, because I openly state what's up, and then it's really on the other person. No one can say I was unclear or being weird.

Last, I even read a book on texting, called Speaking With Thumbs, and it gave some really good insight, into taking people's personalities from texts, the word style. The use of first person I. How people tend to respond when being distant or dishonest (they drop the first person, repeat themselves)

You can't take that shyt like gospel truth, but it helps you get the answers you want faster. Degrees of openess from word usage. Someone who focuses on their body or being sick, something like that, often very anxious and neurotic. The use of elongating words tends to correspond with anxiety.
#2 is pretty much me; this is why i say you and i see things rather similarly lol. You seem very practical.

I dont call these shorties out aggresively but like you said, I let em know what I am noticing, let them know what time I am on and then try to provide some kind of assurance/reassurance to break the wall down. If they react adversely I might, might express some disappointment but then delete the number and move on. The convos I did this with the most recent shorty in, were actually over facetime and started based on what we were discussing at the moment.

And I agree with what you said regarding #1. I think my problem is when they start juking around with the hot and cold behavior; it causes me to let my guard down because they are showing high interest but like homeboy above said I gotta work on just not caring in the early stages if they regress.

Two things I will say though, !) is that the benefit of being forthright is just weeding out the people who aint on the same page. It is possible that I could have continued to play the cat and mouse games and there is a great chance it might have worked, but how sustainable would it have been? It coulda just led to things being strung along further - more time and money being wasted.

2) Self-sabotaging shyt is real. When a woman is really into me, I never become less attracted to her. Supposedly I have a secure attachment style, but psych jargon bs aside, its because I am confident in myself to the point where I EXPECT every girl to be very into me - I am that dude, why wouldnt she be? I am more shocked when they arent. I find a lot of women and probably even men who are used to being disappointed or abandoned develop a hidden low sense of self worth. To be turned off or confused by somebody who shows attraction to you means that you dont even value yourself the way said person does. A friend of mine who is now married said he used to do the same bullshyt but his current wife stuck in there and he had an epiphany.
 

Ohene

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Had to go back and Quote myself for you :youngsabo:

I can pinpoint times I have probably been #s 1, 2 and 4 (never 3 lol) at various points in my life and then #5 I am sure I was unbeknownst to me (both as the alpha and the beta lol). #1 possibly with the most recent shorty. #2 with some carribean chick I was dating back in 2023. #4 with this celibate church girl I was seeing (while smashing other girls simultaneously) last year until i deaded her.

Read all of this and I think it summarizes in almost totality why most men have checked out of dating in the traditional sense. Juice just isnt worth the squeeze as a result. It is very important for men to be conscious of these themes when getting to know a new person and to be disciplined enough to just keep it moving when they start showing signs of having a wall up or being checked out.
 

re'up

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#2 is pretty much me; this is why i say you and i see things rather similarly lol. You seem very practical.

I dont call these shorties out aggresively but like you said, I let em know what I am noticing, let them know what time I am on and then try to provide some kind of assurance/reassurance to break the wall down. If they react adversely I might, might express some disappointment but then delete the number and move on. The convos I did this with the most recent shorty in, were actually over facetime and started based on what we were discussing at the moment.

And I agree with what you said regarding #1. I think my problem is when they start juking around with the hot and cold behavior; it causes me to let my guard down because they are showing high interest but like homeboy above said I gotta work on just not caring in the early stages if they regress.

Two things I will say though, !) is that the benefit of being forthright is just weeding out the people who aint on the same page. It is possible that I could have continued to play the cat and mouse games and there is a great chance it might have worked, but how sustainable would it have been? It coulda just led to things being strung along further - more time and money being wasted.

2) Self-sabotaging shyt is real. When a woman is really into me, I never become less attracted to her. Supposedly I have a secure attachment style, but psych jargon bs aside, its because I am confident in myself to the point where I EXPECT every girl to be very into me - I am that dude, why wouldnt she be? I am more shocked when they arent. I find a lot of women and probably even men who are used to being disappointed or abandoned develop a hidden low sense of self worth. To be turned off or confused by somebody who shows attraction to you means that you dont even value yourself the way said person does. A friend of mine who is now married said he used to do the same bullshyt but his current wife stuck in there and he had an epiphany.

I do have a guideline though, where I never send a negative or even questioning text. Never. Even when I am noticing something, and I am hyper observant. That's possibly a constraint of the medium itself, because in person, I can be much smoother, much more convincing, and it can be done with humor that doesn't come off passive aggressive, the way text does. In person I will 100% do that, "dude you fukking ghosted me on a reservation to Addisson, who does that?!" but it's far more charming in person.

There's a Buddhist quote like "The Master does his work and then steps away" or Do your work and then step back. The only path to serenity.
 

Ohene

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I do have a guideline though, where I never send a negative or even questioning text. Never. Even when I am noticing something, and I am hyper observant. That's possibly a constraint of the medium itself, because in person, I can be much smoother, much more convincing, and it can be done with humor that doesn't come off passive aggressive, the way text does. In person I will 100% do that, "dude you fukking ghosted me on a reservation to Addisson, who does that?!" but it's far more charming in person.

There's a Buddhist quote like "The Master does his work and then steps away" or Do your work and then step back. The only path to serenity.
Ima keep this in mind going forward ; its good advice
 

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A concrete example of a few things mentioned, I wanted to call a girl friend for her birthday, but ended up texting. We have a long standing friendship, romance. Not saying she doesn't matter to me, but there's no emotional or practical urgency, it's the same kind of energy as with a close friend that you don't see that often. This is not one where I want advice, or tell me what's up with her, because it doesn't really matter, it's more just the example:

Texts: I would love to take you out wherever for your birthday, I have a gift for you, thanks for being the kind of person who buys me bracelets in Mexico City, and for being around my life for 10 years

so she responds 24 hours later: thank you for the super sweet message, January is such a busy month because of my birthday family, but maybe we see each other next week, and then the lips emoji, like the sexy one.

so what's missing from that text? It places everything back on my end. I would have to text or call AGAIN to try and set something up. Now maybe she is omitting something, (interested in someone, or dating) and maybe she is just being herself, reclusive, family bound. The text also gives me the balance of the lips emoji, intimacy, closeness, sexuality which coming from her, who barely kisses me in person...is interesting. So, she is able to respond, offer next to nothing, and I can't say she didn't respond. Or did anything wrong. But it has the impact of like a corporate email. a placeholder.
 
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