Essential Quick Lil Gems on Dealing with Women

[re'up]

'Trauma'/negative/somewhat negative life experiences

+ never working that out in a healthy way by becoming avoidant

= an unhealthy person, who is constantly unable to move on from those earlier events. And filters life through responses developed to cope with that trauma. Responses that don't match the current situation because everything is connected to those previous events.

to an extent everyone does this, your childhood "schemas" shape your response to events. but it's the margins of which it becomes unhealthy that make a difference.

you take a bad event and then use it as evidence of the way an entire world functions and base your responses around that. Rather than interpreting events based on some guidelines, but also as the events present themselves in real time.

For example; your car was broken into in 2009, so now, you take all your valuables out of the car everytime and never park more than 15 feet from any place you are.

The current response doesn't match the situation, which is finding parking somewhere. You are basing it in these extreme scenarios. so if there is another person in the car, who says "lets just park here, it's my car anyway" there will be conflict, because it's not really about the parking spot, but about this unresolved issue. and two people who are processing a super mundane everyday event very differently.

 

[Redwood]

It's sad, but with the way things are I really don't feel bad

 

[VertigoKnight]

Dawg, this is so true. There's a whole lot of married women cheating out here.

What surprised me even more is that there are a lot of young newly married women that pretty much cheat right after they get married.

almost like they got married just for the clout of being married as opposed to the actual values of marriage.

shyt is scary out here.

shyt is extra wild out here. A chick who was a FWB with me, but we drifted apart over covid, recently messaged me out of the blue asking about some food pictures on my IG page. Very random, but I bit.

We started chatting again and she suggested I come for dinner and to hang out.

First date we set she had something pop up and then said she didn't feel too good the following day. I said maybe another time.

Anyway the following week she finally sets a evening for us to meetup. I go to her apartment, she ordered some Korean chicken and I bring some beers.

We carry on like we always did. Hadn't seen this chick in person since 2021.

The flirting started early. I always used to give her massages as a precursor to other sexual stuff. So afterwards she let's me massage her hands and then her legs.

Then we start talking more deeply about relationships and she drops this bomb. She got married 2 years ago. To this guy she was seeing during covid. And was separated but still married.

Her parents were planning a visit from Taiwan and they had been pestering her to know how is she past 30 and still single. So her and this guy got engaged and when her parents were in Vancouver they got married. Had a very small ceremony.

Here's the funny thing, they've never lived together he lives across the border in the US, and she has her place here in Vancouver.

She tells me she doesn't want to live with him and they are getting divorced. As they are not really compatible. This chick here also paid off his credit card debts of $50,000 then found out he has other debts.

I was like wtf.

Then she asks for a neck massage. Things were getting steamy. But it was late. So we left it for now.

She wants to hang out again soon. We'll see what happens...

 

[Ohene]

I broke up with my fiance on the weekend.

She had a mental break a month ago. I tried my best to support her during her time in the hospital. I learned that she was abducted and raped 4 years ago. She was triggered by cases from work, she's a lawyer. We were going to get married next February. I talked to her while she was in hospital about delaying it due to the uncertainty of her work situation, and her lack of funds. I found out she has a lot of debt from law school and she does not have enough to pay for half of the wedding. I told her we can wait a few months and then we can get married. She agreed.

Then she spoke to a social worker who told it would be good to get married, and her mom who kept egging her on about getting the old date. I thought it would be too much for her to plan for a wedding in 6 months while she had her work problems, problems with bills and working through her trauma.

From then, I kept having to reassure her that we were going to get married and just because it's delayed, it didn't mean it wasn't going to happen.

Last Wednesday, she tried to bring it up again with her mom at our place. I told her I was uncomfortable talking about this with her mom shouting me down and we talked about it privately. We argued for hours.

Then she agreed. She wouldn't bring this up with her parents. Then, the next day, at brunch, she brought it up with them.

I was upset but I forgave her for it.

The next day, she brought it up again. And this time, she said it wasn't her fault that she was raped and that she shouldn't be punished for it, and that she expected me to honour my previous commitment to her.

I was trying to explain to her that doing everything so quickly is just going to stress her out and she did not listen. She just kept arguing with me like a lawyer would.

The next day, I tried to be as calm as possible. I had already broke up with her early on, but she begged me to come back. Before, it was because she would rather listen to her mom instead of me and her mom was trying to drive a wedge between my family and I. She forced me to either pick her or my family for some reason. I just wanted to have a weekend dinner with my family instead of with her parents.

Now, I didn't want her to cause a scene in public again. She left my condo and I ended up breaking up with her through text when she was with her friends.


Did I do the right thing or was I an a$$hole for doing this through text? I still love this woman and I wanted to support her through her trauma but we argued so much that she basically forced me to do this.

Sorry OG

Was she raped before you met her

 

[trick]

Sorry OG

Was she raped before you met her

Yeah. The police didn't even try to look for her because it was during covid. Her family found her as a Jane Doe in a hospital. Apparently she was found in rags screaming for help in the middle of the night by a civilian. Her sis works at princess Margaret and she had to show her credentials at every hospital to look for her. The police probably would've tried if she was white.

 

[Ohene]

'Trauma'/negative/somewhat negative life experiences

+ never working that out in a healthy way by becoming avoidant

= an unhealthy person, who is constantly unable to move on from those earlier events. And filters life through responses developed to cope with that trauma. Responses that don't match the current situation because everything is connected to those previous events.

to an extent everyone does this, your childhood "schemas" shape your response to events. but it's the margins of which it becomes unhealthy that make a difference.

you take a bad event and then use it as evidence of the way an entire world functions and base your responses around that. Rather than interpreting events based on some guidelines, but also as the events present themselves in real time.

For example; your car was broken into in 2009, so now, you take all your valuables out of the car everytime and never park more than 15 feet from any place you are.

The current response doesn't match the situation, which is finding parking somewhere. You are basing it in these extreme scenarios. so if there is another person in the car, who says "lets just park here, it's my car anyway" there will be conflict, because it's not really about the parking spot, but about this unresolved issue. and two people who are processing a super mundane everyday event very differently.

great post

 

[bill riser]

shyt is extra wild out here. A chick who was a FWB with me, but we drifted apart over covid, recently messaged me out of the blue asking about some food pictures on my IG page. Very random, but I bit.

We started chatting again and she suggested I come for dinner and to hang out.

First date we set she had something pop up and then said she didn't feel too good the following day. I said maybe another time.

Anyway the following week she finally sets a evening for us to meetup. I go to her apartment, she ordered some Korean chicken and I bring some beers.

We carry on like we always did. Hadn't seen this chick in person since 2021.

The flirting started early. I always used to give her massages as a precursor to other sexual stuff. So afterwards she let's me massage her hands and then her legs.

Then we start talking more deeply about relationships and she drops this bomb. She got married 2 years ago. To this guy she was seeing during covid. And was separated but still married.

Her parents were planning a visit from Taiwan and they had been pestering her to know how is she past 30 and still single. So her and this guy got engaged and when her parents were in Vancouver they got married. Had a very small ceremony.

Here's the funny thing, they've never lived together he lives across the border in the US, and she has her place here in Vancouver.

She tells me she doesn't want to live with him and they are getting divorced. As they are not really compatible. This chick here also paid off his credit card debts of $50,000 then found out he has other debts.

I was like wtf.

Then she asks for a neck massage. Things were getting steamy. But it was late. So we left it for now.

She wants to hang out again soon. We'll see what happens...

I not surprised by this scenario. i work with a lot of Filipinos and south east Asians, Indians, and i hear a lot of stories from them of similar situations.

for both the Filipinos and Indians, they get married early due to parental and community pressure, but they all be cheating on each other like a motherf*kker.

only difference between the two i noticed is that the Indians will more likely stay together, despite the cheating, due to the community social pressure.

The Filipinos on the other hand are a wild bunch. at least here in Toronto, a lot of them just be cheating like its just a normal thing and not a big deal.

I have an older Jamaican work colleague who recently broke up with a filipino woman. he was telling me that while they were dating for 2 years, she only mentioned towards the end of the relationship that she was married the whole time and that she was only still married to the man because he was good for paying the bills. she even offered to have a kid with my work colleague. but of course he declined due to the fact that he already has a grown daughter and he aint trying to have a kid in his mid 50s,

But to be honest, i cant be that surprised as the Jamaicans, up here at least, are on a whole other level when it comes to cheating.

shyt is all depressing to be honest.

 

[Lieutenant Daniels]

Nah leave these broken women alone.

All day. Once you’ve dealt with one damaged woman (or two for the slow learners) you realize it’s nothing but an energy drain. Things NEVER improve and you’ll find yourself playing therapist on a reoccurring basis. You can’t “fix” them and majority of the time they don’t want to be fixed. They’re stuck in victim mentality.

It’s especially true for women who have been sexually abused in some shape or form. But it also goes for women who claim “they always get cheated on”. You hear that run. Or they “love hard”. Run. “Needs a man to put them in their place”. Run.

 

[DJSmooth]

All day. Once you’ve dealt with one damaged woman (or two for the slow learners) you realize it’s nothing but an energy drain. Things NEVER improve and you’ll find yourself playing therapist on a reoccurring basis. You can’t “fix” them and majority of the time they don’t want to be fixed. They’re stuck in victim mentality.

It’s especially true for women who have been sexually abused in some shape or form. But it also goes for women who claim “they always get cheated on”. You hear that run. Or they “love hard”. Run. “Needs a man to put them in their place”. Run.

You don't go to the dog pound and get the fully adult dog with anger and trauma issues.

You get the puppy that ain't even been potty trained yet.

 

[Lieutenant Daniels]

You don't go to the dog pound and get the fully adult dog with anger and trauma issues.

You get the puppy that ain't even been potty trained yet.

No doubt. After a certain age range all that’s left in the pound are potty trained dogs but piss in the house, chew up your fav shoe, need special food that cost more, etc,.

Every once in awhile you walk in and see that fresh eyed puppy but it’s already spoken for.

The search continues.

 

[WIA20XX]

All around the world, it's the same song.

 

[Byronml]

I broke up with my fiance on the weekend.

She had a mental break a month ago. I tried my best to support her during her time in the hospital. I learned that she was abducted and raped 4 years ago. She was triggered by cases from work, she's a lawyer. We were going to get married next February. I talked to her while she was in hospital about delaying it due to the uncertainty of her work situation, and her lack of funds. I found out she has a lot of debt from law school and she does not have enough to pay for half of the wedding. I told her we can wait a few months and then we can get married. She agreed.

Then she spoke to a social worker who told it would be good to get married, and her mom who kept egging her on about getting the old date. I thought it would be too much for her to plan for a wedding in 6 months while she had her work problems, problems with bills and working through her trauma.

From then, I kept having to reassure her that we were going to get married and just because it's delayed, it didn't mean it wasn't going to happen.

Last Wednesday, she tried to bring it up again with her mom at our place. I told her I was uncomfortable talking about this with her mom shouting me down and we talked about it privately. We argued for hours.

Then she agreed. She wouldn't bring this up with her parents. Then, the next day, at brunch, she brought it up with them.

I was upset but I forgave her for it.

The next day, she brought it up again. And this time, she said it wasn't her fault that she was raped and that she shouldn't be punished for it, and that she expected me to honour my previous commitment to her.

I was trying to explain to her that doing everything so quickly is just going to stress her out and she did not listen. She just kept arguing with me like a lawyer would.

The next day, I tried to be as calm as possible. I had already broke up with her early on, but she begged me to come back. Before, it was because she would rather listen to her mom instead of me and her mom was trying to drive a wedge between my family and I. She forced me to either pick her or my family for some reason. I just wanted to have a weekend dinner with my family instead of with her parents.

Now, I didn't want her to cause a scene in public again. She left my condo and I ended up breaking up with her through text when she was with her friends.


Did I do the right thing or was I an a$$hole for doing this through text? I still love this woman and I wanted to support her through her trauma but we argued so much that she basically forced me to do this.

The bolded gives a good picture of how your marriage would look with her and her parents. You made the best choice for yourself.

 

[Lieutenant Daniels]

All around the world, it's the same song.

I watched about half of the video.

The common denominator is that the women in the video keep thinking their accomplishments/accolades make them into a suitable partner. Not once did I hear how/why they would be a good wife and why a man should marry them. It’s all about education this, money that.

Very similar to what I see and hear here in the states.

 

[MikelArteta]

I broke up with my fiance on the weekend.

She had a mental break a month ago. I tried my best to support her during her time in the hospital. I learned that she was abducted and raped 4 years ago. She was triggered by cases from work, she's a lawyer. We were going to get married next February. I talked to her while she was in hospital about delaying it due to the uncertainty of her work situation, and her lack of funds. I found out she has a lot of debt from law school and she does not have enough to pay for half of the wedding. I told her we can wait a few months and then we can get married. She agreed.

Then she spoke to a social worker who told it would be good to get married, and her mom who kept egging her on about getting the old date. I thought it would be too much for her to plan for a wedding in 6 months while she had her work problems, problems with bills and working through her trauma.

From then, I kept having to reassure her that we were going to get married and just because it's delayed, it didn't mean it wasn't going to happen.

Last Wednesday, she tried to bring it up again with her mom at our place. I told her I was uncomfortable talking about this with her mom shouting me down and we talked about it privately. We argued for hours.

Then she agreed. She wouldn't bring this up with her parents. Then, the next day, at brunch, she brought it up with them.

I was upset but I forgave her for it.

The next day, she brought it up again. And this time, she said it wasn't her fault that she was raped and that she shouldn't be punished for it, and that she expected me to honour my previous commitment to her.

I was trying to explain to her that doing everything so quickly is just going to stress her out and she did not listen. She just kept arguing with me like a lawyer would.

The next day, I tried to be as calm as possible. I had already broke up with her early on, but she begged me to come back. Before, it was because she would rather listen to her mom instead of me and her mom was trying to drive a wedge between my family and I. She forced me to either pick her or my family for some reason. I just wanted to have a weekend dinner with my family instead of with her parents.

Now, I didn't want her to cause a scene in public again. She left my condo and I ended up breaking up with her through text when she was with her friends.


Did I do the right thing or was I an a$$hole for doing this through text? I still love this woman and I wanted to support her through her trauma but we argued so much that she basically forced me to do this.

Sorry breh

 

[MikelArteta]

I watched about half of the video.

The common denominator is that the women in the video keep thinking their accomplishments/accolades make them into a suitable partner. Not once did I hear how/why they would be a good wife and why a man should marry them. It’s all about education this, money that.

Very similar to what I see and hear here in the states.

Yup women think that there fancy job, or waterfront condo or houses etc. is what we find attractive . You know what made me know my wife was the one barely knowing her and I was deathly sick and she looked after me and didn't ask for nothing.

Being nearly 40 so much women I dated before I got married all would talk about their accomplishments but had no ring.