Ladies, How Can a Man Improve His Communication?

[Lady.Libra.]

-Be present & engaged
-Actively listen
-Offer advice if asked (Men & Women differ in their purpose of communication in that men typically speak to get solutions, women speak to bond, relate & vent.)
-Follow-up (BONUS)

ETA - women speak to seek solutions too.

 

[iBrowse]

-Be present & engaged
-Actively listen
-Offer advice if asked (Men & Women differ in their purpose of communication in that men typically speak to get solutions, women speak to bond and vent.
-Follow-up (BONUS)

I been had done all that

 

[Gold]

I'm turning 28 in a few months It's probably gonna be compromise for a nikka.

I feel the same way, and i'm open to learning how to do it better.

I just don't understand what i'm doing wrong honestly?

Is it 5 minute convos? Okay I can stretch those out to 20minutes or more easily if needed.

Is it getting to deep? No problem, i'll back off on the heavy stuff

Is it not listening? This is a tough one but i'll try my best to understand that you just wanna tell me how you feel and you don't want a solution.

Is it focusing too much on facts? This is another tough one. Facts make points, facts make discussions, facts make ideologies. I don't know how to converse with using factual information while pretending like it has no bearing on the conversation.


For example my ex got mad at me because she said that I make her feel like friends are a bad influence on her and I turn them against her. This was in response to a conversation we had where she was basically going in on how friends do dumb shyt and usually she gets pulled into it.

So i'm sitting there like.. .I just reiterated what you were saying with different words?
She responds, I was just venting because I was upset. Now you're making me doubt my friends and turning me against them.

So i'm thinking to myself, "You were venting for a reason... you were upset for a reason... and now those facts and that reason doesn't matter? Whats the point of even telling me? Expressing feelings.. aight"

 

[Gold]

-Be present & engaged

This I can do

-Actively listen

Can you break this down? The more I hear it, the less I think I understand what it actually means

-Offer advice if asked (Men & Women differ in their purpose of communication in that men typically speak to get solutions, women speak to bond, relate & vent.)

I'm going to offer advice if you present a problem to me. How can I not? This one confuses the hell out of me

-Follow-up (BONUS)

And we're back to the premise of this thread really.... do I follow up for the sake of following up? Or do I do it organically?

 

[Lady.Libra.]

I been had done all that

LOL! I don't mean to laugh but something about how you wrote that is cracking me up .



Ok, I'm finished lolol'ing, sorry O_o.

I know communication should be simple but it seems that women need to 'Say it with less words' aka Shut up & men need to 'Say it with more words' aka What's on your mind/What are you feeling??? .
Personally, I don't care because I am the type that if something is pressing me, I am going to speak on it and I am going to be heard. Other than that, I don't have very much to say. I prefer directness - 'What do you want, When do you want it & How do you want it.' This applies to family, friends, & work.
I don't like friendly banter, idle conversation, probing/nosy questions, or being preached to.

 

[Gold]

LOL! I don't mean to laugh but something about how you wrote that is cracking me up .



Ok, I'm finished lolol'ing, sorry O_o.

I know something as simple as communication should be simple but it seems that women need to 'Say it with less words' aka Shut up & men need to 'Say it with more words' aka What's on your mind/What are you feeling??? .
Personally, I don't care because I am the type that if something is pressing me, I am going to speak on it and I am going to be heard. Other than that, I don't have very much to say. I prefer directness - 'What do you want, When do you want it & How do you want it.' This applies to family, friends, & work.
I don't like friendly banter, idle conversation, probing/nosy questions, or being preached to.

Preciate the advice!

When a woman says she don't like friendly banter or idle conversation it makes me feel like every conversation we have has to "worthy of her time" and thus a lot of small tidbits get lost because they aren't worthy of conversation.

If you don't like friendly banter and idle conversation you will never get to truly know me. A lot of growth and understanding naturally comes from those kinds of convos. But the women I date usually feel like if its not something that's explicitly about "us", its not worth her time.

 

[EARFQUAKE]

If its an issue with everyone i've dated... yeah I think it does need to be fixed.
I think i'm better at listening now compared to 5 or so years ago, but i'm still not goodl

Yes, I always feign interest. I think that's just part of being in a relationship tho

Unless i'm wrong

Um, idk, maybe. I don't pretend like I care if I don't but I'm not blatantly disrespectful. Obviously I'm going to pay attention to you if you interest me but, for example, you're talking about a woman from Love & Hip Hop and I don't know dikk about that show it'll be difficult for me to respond and/retain that kind of information. If you were to say your favorite marvel character is Deadpool I would ask follow up questions.

I guess it kinda boils down to compatibility too.

 

[iBrowse]

I feel the same way, and i'm open to learning how to do it better.

I just don't understand what i'm doing wrong honestly?

Is it 5 minute convos? Okay I can stretch those out to 20minutes or more easily if needed.

Is it getting to deep? No problem, i'll back off on the heavy stuff

Is it not listening? This is a tough one but i'll try my best to understand that you just wanna tell me how you feel and you don't want a solution.

Is it focusing too much on facts? This is another tough one. Facts make points, facts make discussions, facts make ideologies. I don't know how to converse with using factual information while pretending like it has no bearing on the conversation.


For example my ex got mad at me because she said that I make her feel like friends are a bad influence on her and I turn them against her. This was in response to a conversation we had where she was basically going in on how friends do dumb shyt and usually she gets pulled into it.

So i'm sitting there like.. .I just reiterated what you were saying with different words?
She responds, I was just venting because I was upset. Now you're making me doubt my friends and turning me against them.

So i'm thinking to myself, "You were venting for a reason... you were upset for a reason... and now those facts and that reason doesn't matter? Whats the point of even telling me? Expressing feelings.. aight"

lmao..."I'm dealing with a problem but don't you dare tell me any solution for it! "

 

[Lady.Libra.]

Preciate the advice!

When a woman says she don't like friendly banter or idle conversation it makes me feel like every conversation we have has to "worthy of her time" and thus a lot of small tidbits get lost because they aren't worthy of conversation.

If you don't like friendly banter and idle conversation you will never get to truly know me. A lot of growth and understanding naturally comes from those kinds of convos. But the women I date usually feel like if its not something that's explicitly about "us", its not worth her time.

Idle conversation & banter between two people who are dating is very different and serves a different purpose. If a strange man or women attempted to engage me in idle conversation (i.e. At the bookstore, standing in line at the grocery store, etc.) I might be thinking the entire time, 'What do you want?' & 'Why are you talking to me?' Assessing if/why they are trying to disarm me.
In courting/getting acquainted/dating it is welcomed and expected in addition to the more meaningful and bonding conversation.
You have a difficult time not offering advice when none was asked (Chances are very high that she already has all of the answers anyway). You are adjusting to your woman's communication style and improving communication with her by doing so. If you are dating a woman then you are interested in her, aspects of her life and care about her so following up on issues that she's discussed with you will be organic and shouldn't be a difficult adjustment either i.e. Hey, Baby, how did that fiscal meeting, that you were worried about the other day, at work go? Did they like the presentation you showed me? Was my advice on the charts helpful (If she asked)?

 

[⠝⠕⠏⠑]

Hmm this is great advice, thank you!

1) This is probably one of my biggest issues.. When a guy is talking to his friends, the convo is the convo, period. There is little subtext, there is even less ulterior means and motive. The point of the conversation is not to grow a deeper connection, the point is convey a point/idea/feeling/information and keep it moving. The connection growth is natural.

Now with women, every conversation has to have a meaning. I hate this tbh. I can't just be like... "I heard the craziest thing today" and then we talk about it for 5 minutes and i'm like "aight i'll talk to you later."

Nope, doesn't work. Most women i've dated would be like... "thats all you wanted to talk to me about?" Basically saying that the conversation did not hold enough depth to warrant even initiating. As if she has become someone that I need to prepare a beginning middle and end before I even talk to her.

And when this mindset creeps in, it makes me less likely to even communicate because communication takes too much energy. I don't want every convo to involve an introspective look at ourselves and our relationship... sometimes I just wanna tell you some shyt .


2) I think that's great advice, but that's not a problem I have. I don't posture up myself for other people. If anything I overshare.

3) For me this links back into number 1. I tend to not see conversation as a haven with the women I have dated because it just becomes too much. Its not that they are going to judge me or mistreat me based on how to conversation goes. I feel as though I can hold a conversation on most subjects, from trivial to deeply emotional.

My problem comes when our conversations have to reach a minimum impact/meaning threshold. I have best friends who I call up and have a 5 minute conversation about a new album and its fine. That conversation has served its purpose. I can't have that same, sporadic type of conversation with a woman i'm dating. She'll be llike... "dont treat me like one of your friends"

And the odd thing is, if she did that to me I would completely okay. and if I had something to add, I would add it. But if there's nothing to add, we should end the convo, not go deeper if unneeded


Please advise so I can become better

Lmao! As frustrating as this advice is, tell her all of exactly what you told me.

Tell her that maybe you aren't that nuanced of a talker. I think you might be an inner thinker. I'm an outer thinker. The conversation and the thought process goes on inside so you don't have to have loooong drawn out conversations. And ur comfortable doing this with your friends because they know you and have known you for many years.

So it's going to take a comparable amount of time to build up that level of comfort. But also you can't do all the work. She has to realize that's part of your personality. Ironically, being able to sit in comfortable silence is an important part of communication too. That goes back to respecting male forms of communication just as much as we give credence to our own.

I have friends who aren't big talkers either. And we can just chill together. It's comfortable as it should be. Sometimes the expectation for lots of communication can create an unnecessary anxiety that makes it forced. And that's what we don't want. That shyt is irritating. Lmao!

 

[⠝⠕⠏⠑]

I've never had an issue with shootin the shyt with an irl brehette @The Wave but on the other hand they tend to be dry as fukk on the substantive shyt...using hallmark quotes on a nikka when I tell them about shyt I'm dealing with. Plus they don't remember shyt...idk I'm detail oriented so the nuances are what get me with them especially when it indicates a lack of genuine interest.

Yeah no. Vapid people are no fun. It's a sign of emotional selfishness. They can go on and on about their own issues but barely remember ur problems other than to offer some half-assed response. Also nothing gets me ghost like a dry conversationalist.
I'm not talking about being able to sit comfortably in a room with somebody quietly.

Ohhh no im talking bout what ur describing. A dry ass conversationalist. Where ur responsibile for initiating, creating, sustaining, and prolonging the direction of, duration of, content of and response to the whole damn conversation...

Just shoot me and get it over with.

 

[iBrowse]

. A dry ass conversationalist. Where ur responsibile for initiating, creating, sustaining, and prolonging the direction of, duration of, content of and response to the whole damn conversation...

Story of my fukking life!

Problem is, I'll be honest so call me out on it, but most of the women that physically didn't do it for me are great in the conversation/personality department. The few checked both boxes were too damn clingy, (called my job, sent emails to my personal and work email, called from different people's numbers, etc.).

 

[Gold]

Idle conversation & banter between two people who are dating is very different and serves a different purpose. If a strange man or women attempted to engage me in idle conversation (i.e. At the bookstore, standing in line at the grocery store, etc.) I might be thinking the entire time, 'What do you want?' & 'Why are you talking to me?' Assessing if/why they are trying to disarm me.
In courting/getting acquainted/dating it is welcomed and expected in addition to the more meaningful and bonding conversation.
You have a difficult time not offering advice when none was asked (Chances are very high that she already has all of the answers anyway). You are adjusting to your woman's communication style and improving communication with her by doing so. If you are dating a woman then you are interested in her, aspects of her life and care about her so following up on issues that she's discussed with you will be organic and shouldn't be a difficult adjustment either i.e. Hey, Baby, how did that fiscal meeting, that you were worried about the other day, at work go? Did they like the presentation you showed me? Was my advice on the charts helpful (If she asked)?

Great advice once again.

And these things you listed at the bottom I don't have issue with normally. It's the bolded that I don't quite comprehend.

If I love someone, and I care about someone, and they inform me of a situation that is making their life more difficult... do they have to explicitly say "I need your help" for me to want to try to find a solution?

Is it wrong for me to want to help?

I don't get it.

If i'm dating someone and she says to me "Babe i'm so stressed out, I have my paper for my masters due by midnight tomorrow, I have to help plan for my sister's babyshower, and I need to finish these pivot tables for work"

I'm not gonna say to her "There there baby. I'm here, I'm listening."

I'm going to say "What do you need me to do to help? I'm good at pivot tables, and i'm even better at editing papers. Send me whatever you need so I can alleviate your stress".

How am I supposed to react?

 

[Gold]

Lmao! As frustrating as this advice is, tell her all of exactly what you told me.

Tell her that maybe you aren't that nuanced of a talker. I think you might be an inner thinker. I'm an outer thinker. The conversation and the thought process goes on inside so you don't have to have loooong drawn out conversations. And ur comfortable doing this with your friends because they know you and have known you for many years.

So it's going to take a comparable amount of time to build up that level of comfort. But also you can't do all the work. She has to realize that's part of your personality. Ironically, being able to sit in comfortable silence is an important part of communication too. That goes back to respecting male forms of communication just as much as we give credence to our own.

I have friends who aren't big talkers either. And we can just chill together. It's comfortable as it should be. Sometimes the expectation for lots of communication can create an unnecessary anxiety that makes it forced. And that's what we don't want. That shyt is irritating. Lmao!

There's no "her" yet, i'm just doing some introspection to figure out why all my relationships fail.

The bolded is very true for me.

An ex of mine in college traveled to NY and while she was there I only txted her a few times a day to check up on her and I called her maybe 2 twice during that 4 day span just to get updates. When she came back, she was upset with me because she felt I should have communicated more. She was saying that there shouldn't be a day when we don't talk on the phone.

And for ppl who know me, I cant stand arbitrary rules set to things. There can be days where we talk 10 times, and some days 0. If you have something to say hit me up, if not don't. I'm not going to call you if I have nothing. And i'm sure as hell not going to punish you for not calling me if you have nothing.

What am I missing

 

[iBrowse]

Great advice once again.

And these things you listed at the bottom I don't have issue with normally. It's the bolded that I don't quite comprehend.

If I love someone, and I care about someone, and they inform me of a situation that is making their life more difficult... do they have to explicitly say "I need your help" for me to want to try to find a solution?

Is it wrong for me to want to help?

I don't get it.

If i'm dating someone and she says to me "Babe i'm so stressed out, I have my paper for my masters due by midnight tomorrow, I have to help plan for my sister's babyshower, and I need to finish these pivot tables for work"

I'm not gonna say to her "There there baby. I'm here, I'm listening."

I'm going to say "What do you need me to do to help? I'm good at pivot tables, and i'm even better at editing papers. Send me whatever you need so I can alleviate your stress".

How am I supposed to react?

Dealt with a similar situation, she's a little arrogant and prideful so took it as a slight against her own capabilities and intelligence so with a negative tone told me something to the effect of "I didn't say I needed you to help me with anything I know how to walk and chew gum at the same time."

The fukk?