Well since all the cool kids are talking about shyttin' themselves.........
I kinda got this thing I do when I go to Concerts/Festivals that I know I'm gonna be front row at, where I don't eat/drink anything from mid day before the event, shyt/piss all I can so when I hit the front of the stage, I ain't got to leave to go use the bathroom. shyt works fine but I never really had to be away from the bathroom for like a day and change like that time I was in Connecticut and I went to go see Mastodon/RedFang over in New York.
Wake up in the morning, ain't eat or drink shyt. Hit the Taxi to the bus station and decided to take the chance on an Iced Coffee from Dunkin Donuts and really enjoyed the shyt (no pun intended).
Hit New York. Eat this Kind Bar I got in my pocket for Energy and make my way towards the venue. At the Venue, I reach early enough to get in so I hit the bar and get to do sort of a meet and greet with the dudes from Red Fang who were at the bar, so we get to drinking.
I must have drank a gallon of beer with them fools but I know I'm gonna sweat it out or if push comes to shove, I'ma piss in a bottle, put the cap on it and deposit it in the nearest bin or alteast get it out of the way and what's not.
Concert goes off without a hitch. I'm drunk, happy and just tired from being at a metal concert and dealing with all the bullshyt. I piss at the venue, eat my last energy bar, now I got to deal with the long ass trip from New York back to Conn on them Greyhounds. Now all I really been having is liquid. Beer and water. What you don't piss out, goes to your colon..and you know how that goes.
So I'm on the bus, eating some street vendor hot dog for sustenance, glad I'm going home. Hit Conn after like 3 hours, having been out and up for approx 24 hours, but home is less than 20 minutes away, so what my stupid ass do? Grab another Iced Coffee thinking I'm safe.
I was fine before that last Iced Coffee, but it's like the minute I took the first major gulp of that shyt, looking out the window just wanting to get home so I could sleep, I feel my stomach start to bubble. Then I HEAR it start to fukking bubble.A breh goes into ass clench with the kung fu grip sphincter action, but ain't no solid shyt in my system, breh. Just a bunch of liquid waste that got exacerbated by that second Iced Coffee that decided to bust out on the scene whether I wanted it too or not.
Didn't help that this old Ohio Players looking, motherfukker done got all comfortable after he asked if he could light up a square in the cab and we got to talking a bit and he going on about how the fukk he lived down the street from Joe Jackson and saw Michael outside doing the moon walk () as a young kid.
I'm rocking from buttcheek to buttcheek, feeling my intestines slowly puff out on this shytpraying I make it home in time then...
Now I done had a close call with a shyt slip back in Highschool when I trusted a fart and a lubricated (pause) nugget hit the gate (double pause) but nah, this was full on carburetor action with all the sounds to boot.
All I could do was just sit in that shyt, literally while breh rattled on about his band or whatever the fukk looking like.
Barganing with the Universe, Science and Allah about either erasing me from the face of the earth or making this all be just one bad dream.....
There's something almost cathartic about shytting yourself, as a grown man with no disability, restriction or injury after trying to hold it in for so long, brehs. I almost felt at peace 'cause now I knew all I had to do was open that door, pay my fee and introduce as much distance as I could from myself and that cab to the nearest place to get cleaned up.
Left a twenty sticking out of the seat belt holder, told breh to drop me off at a house about a block or so away, hobbled my ass off to the nearest backyard and had to wipe my ass with my socks in some dude's medieval ass looking shed.Made my way to my partner's house, grabbed a trash bag, dumped my underwear and dikkies into that shyt, disposed and prolly slept the entire day not knowing how less of a man I should feel for that bullshyt.
Your partner? You gay?
.
. "You think you need to use our bathroom at work?" By this time I had that brief reprieve you get where you think you've one the battle. I even joke with her that what if I walk in her building with her, and while we're being searched I shyt right there in front of everyone. She says she'd walk off as if she doesn't know me. I told her I'd make a scene and ask the guards could they tell that woman walking off, my wife to bring me some tissue.
and wifey asks if I'll be ok. 
I'm a real nikka...of course I'm ok. She gives me my kiss and exits. Time to speed home and handle this nikka in my gut.
. I start that exit strategy, looking for buildings I can run in to. There's nothing brehs. I'm squirming like an escaped convict, still wearing blues, at the bus station and my picture just flashed on the screen.
. Look around at the cars next to me and I'm 
Why is there plastic on the seat....
I brushed it off thinking im just nervous for the test
