Black men, vulnerability and depression.
- Thread starter Prynce
- Start date
This thread is the truth. I've literally have grown tired of repeating myself to those around me. It's like hell. Going through it right now as I write this lying in bed not wanting to get up and talk to anybody about the hurt that I'm feeling. This feeling is something that I'm very used to now. I know that the people around me have no clue what I'm dealing with and they wouldn't give a fukk if they did know. I've simply am exhausted at this point. Tired of going to therapists, trying out bullshyt hoping to get better, dealing with bullshyt, having to expect the worst or things to go down south with people, expecting people to leave me, being stuck in life and all this horse shyt and having to get up everyday and act like I'm okay or happy when I am not and haven't been so since I was a preteen. This shyt is killing me, I'm trying to fight it and I'm losing. I don't want to be on antidepressants again or having to smoke weed or trying to do some form of escapism to cope with this emotional hell. This is horrible. I wish I had someone around me that actually understood or knew what I'm going through that could at least say shyt will be okay. That would mean something to me. I am literally dying and suffering on my feet.
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Oran "Juice" Jones
Banned
I wish I could die honestly.Only thing keeping me alive is my mom. She's stuck paying off my college loan because I'm unemployed and can't seem to find a good job. At 31 I have a criminal record with no valuable skills.
To make matters worse my older brother is here too, and his situation is no better. I wouldn't feel so shytty if at least one of us had something going.
I can't see things changing for the better anytime soon. I'd like to be successful and live a healthy lifestyle, but by the time have the means to do anything worthwhile I'll be too old to enjoy it.
When my mom dies I plan to committ suicide but I don't know when that's gonna be. Could be decades from now, who knows? I'm tired of fighting and feeling like crap every day.
To make matters worse my older brother is here too, and his situation is no better. I wouldn't feel so shytty if at least one of us had something going.
I can't see things changing for the better anytime soon. I'd like to be successful and live a healthy lifestyle, but by the time have the means to do anything worthwhile I'll be too old to enjoy it.
When my mom dies I plan to committ suicide but I don't know when that's gonna be. Could be decades from now, who knows? I'm tired of fighting and feeling like crap every day.
johntheblackjew
Banned
was told i should check this out.
Breh don't do it.
Take it from a man who's in a similar situation, you still have PLENTY of time left man, 31 is young. You can learn a trade, go to school and still start a family. Like you I got a late start on a lot of things and I have bouts of depression but I'm pulling myself out. This the hardest battle you're gonna have but you can win, people do it everyday. Keep fighting, especially when you feel like you can't anymore.
All I can say is that it's fukking crushing to have to keep proving yourself, as a black man, your whole fukking life.
You have to prove you're not a super human athlete or flabby n sick, you have to prove you're intelligent, you have to prove you're friendly.
When it comes to dating outside your race, you have to prove your worth to their family, when your own family will accept your partner.
We can't just live and succeed. We always have eyes watching and judging us. It fukking sucks and kills me sometimes when I think about it.
You have to prove you're not a super human athlete or flabby n sick, you have to prove you're intelligent, you have to prove you're friendly.
When it comes to dating outside your race, you have to prove your worth to their family, when your own family will accept your partner.
We can't just live and succeed. We always have eyes watching and judging us. It fukking sucks and kills me sometimes when I think about it.
Oran "Juice" Jones
Banned
Breh don't do it.
Take it from a man who's in a similar situation, you still have PLENTY of time left man, 31 is young. You can learn a trade, go to school and still start a family. Like you I got a late start on a lot of things and I have bouts of depression but I'm pulling myself out. This the hardest battle you're gonna have but you can win, people do it everyday. Keep fighting, especially when you feel like you can't anymore.
You're right. When I wrote that I was frustrated over something stupid. I'm realizing I gotta organize my life better.
I'm finding that it helps to have a schedule I stick to each day. It prevents me from procrastinating and just aimlessly wandering all day.
Man this should be stickied or added to the essential threads
A black man's problems are his own, his and his alone. Other black men don't care. 99.7% of our women don't care and if they think you are a chronic case eventually they will just tire of you.
I suffer through depression a lot. Woe is me. When you're depressed you often seek out other troubled people to "help" to give your own life some worth. But you're always going to be left holding the bag (not "the" bag either). These people are troubled for a reason so it's best to leave them to their own devices. If you're troubled yourself they will still view you as weak even if you are carrying them. There is no country for a troubled black male. We are just a problem and enemy to everyone. Such is life.
I suffer through depression a lot. Woe is me. When you're depressed you often seek out other troubled people to "help" to give your own life some worth. But you're always going to be left holding the bag (not "the" bag either). These people are troubled for a reason so it's best to leave them to their own devices. If you're troubled yourself they will still view you as weak even if you are carrying them. There is no country for a troubled black male. We are just a problem and enemy to everyone. Such is life.
Why do you think this is?
I'll add my two cents
My parents divorced when I was six and my dad went back to Philly. I had no family around other than my mom.
My mom cried every day/night for years. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out why dad is around to play Mortal Kombat anymore
Long story short, mom retreated into herself and dad wasn't around for months at a time. When he showed, I would see him every other Saturday.
My parents both worked two jobs to chase "The Dream". That didn't leave much time for me. Word to @CashmereEsquire
So I was raised by the tv and had no one to talk to growing up. About anything.
I stopped hanging out with the kids on the block (they would come by to play, but I would tell em no. Then eventually I just stopped answering the door)
So I was dealing with depression for most of my life. Mom was emotionally distant, she would come home angry and take it out on me.
If I tried to stand up for myself, she would call dad and he would always take her side. I was repeatedly asked what the hell is wrong with me.
Dad told me all the time how I "looked weak" (mom sometimes made dinner and it was always small. If I was still hungry, "drink more water"), why is my face all messed up (had acne, found out it was Rosacea years later)
I started to hate everything, including myself.
Parents had alot of fights where my dad would say to my mom that she "fukked me up" and it's her fault I'm failing at school.
My daily routine was go to school, say few words, go home and play on whatever game console I had at the time. It was my only escape.
It was also the primary way I communicated with people, I wasn't around alot of people (mom rarely left the house) so my social skills were
Dad remarried and when I would go over to his house, my stepbrother would bully me the entire time I was there. I even got beat for something HE did
I had "friends" but I was always the one people told everything to. I never had a friend like that myself, so I kept everything inside. Never knew what a dream was, had no goals, no aspirations.
I've been a loner forever now.
If you asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, my answer was nothing. I couldn't see myself living that long to be honest..
...
I can't tell you what drives me on.
I never felt love from my parents (they say "I love you" but it's always felt hollow to me), never had really good friends, never had a positive relationship with a woman, list goes on.
When you say you want to better yourself (I wanted to go to automotive school) and your mom laughs in your face telling you "You won't make it", you realize it really is just you out here.
These days shes having seizures and losing her memory. Dad says "take care of mom". He shows up to the hospital when I call em.
He can't look at her when shes like a zombie though. Like a coward.
Feel blessed if you have decent parents out here fam. Mine didn't prepare me for anything. They helped me when I absolutely needed it and I still love em,
But I had to start from the negatives in this race of life.
Guess I'm a struggler at heart
Had to vent
TL;DR I understand the pain.
Man I can relate to y'all and I'd always seek people like us out just to befriend them and give them hope because I know how it feels to be alone in this struggle.
I've been fukked up since my parents would constantly argue in front of me. The environment was hostile and my mom even held a knife to my dads face once and as a youngin I shouted at my mom not to do it crying. I went from happy kid to depressed, quiet, and crying myself to sleep every night. I never in my life entertained the thought of marrying or starting a family so much that I eventually sabotaged every relationship I had probably because of my messed up household. My mom cheated on my dad in front of us and that's probably why I expect females to cheat and don't think much of it and even cheat on them first "just in case".
I had trouble embracing my individuality because I grew up in a predominately black community and I'd get called "gay" a lot for liking different music and playing instruments and being intelligent in class. I had low self esteem due to my household events and never really stood up for myself And was just withdrawn. I've seen over 10 therapists since 8 years old in my life and none of them helped me. Since elementary school, I'd get caught writing suicide notes and disturbing shyt and it was a silent cry for help, but my pops passed me along to other therapists but never talked to me himself. He was a great provider, but he never established that emotional bond with me and that's what I needed...not some random Jewish therapist. My dad got custody of me and my brother (whose relationship also diminished with me since I've been withdrawn), and my dad would work and I was raised by the internet pretty much after that.
I dropped out of college eventually and got into substance abuse and shooting heroin and any painkillers I can get into my arm. Most definitely the darkest times of my life and I've attempted to kill myself a few times.
I Was living alone like this for years. My dad got sick and was in the hospital. My mom was nearby but couldn't help. She felt a lot of regret for fukkin up my childhood.
I eventually couldn't afford the bills for the house and got kicked out because of my drug habit diminishing my funds and moved in with my mom who also eventually kicked me out and couldn't take it anymore. My only route was homelessness or rehab, so I went to rehab. After rehab, my mom still wouldn't accept me back home so I flew 10 hours away to another state and went to another rehab there and got clean. It was a predominately white community and i didn't know that, but it was covered by insurance and I was broke. I made it work and got a job and left sober living to live with a roommate.
Bought a car and all that good stuff, got a girlfriend who was my only confidant and she genuinely tried to help me with all my problems, but she couldn't solve me and we broke up. Now I'm seeking out black friends and a black community that try to better themselves because the few black people in this area don't even acknowledge each other and I'm sick of dealing with the struggles being the only black person around white people. Once again, I'm looking for a therapist, but a black male because I haven't had a black male figure to bond with in my life. I'm stuck depressed and always oscillating between suicide and progress.
I need consistency in my life. I need to do better, but the cycles in my life are always the same. I have no family around me, no one to completely relate to, and I don't know if i want to die or thrive brehs.
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We're in a similar mind state, can't find a black male therapist within 100 miles of me, surrounded by white folks.
I try to speak to other black folks at work because I know they aren't on that dumb shyt, but the white coworkers be saying shyt under their breath if there's more than a few of us talking together. Disgusting man.
Might not mean much but you got my support homie, I keep going because it's all I know how to do anymore. The more I learn about what America has done and will do makes me want to live longer to spite em.
But even all that bravado doesn't hide the fact that sometimes I feel so overwhelmed, that I break into tears while driving to and from work
