What happens in Florida stays in Florida (wishful thinking) (updated with fukkery)

[diggy]

11-foot-long gator breaks into Florida home
Intruder captured after breaking in through kitchen windows
By Peter Burke - Local10.com Managing Editor
Posted: 9:21 AM, May 31, 2019

This 11-foot-long alligator had to be removed after breaking into a Clearwater home.

• 
  
  
  
  The homeowner called police and a trapper to help get the menacing reptile out.
  
  Pictures posted on the Clearwater Police Department's Facebook page show the gator made a mess of the kitchen.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The gator was eventually captured. One of the pictures shows the gator's mouth bound with duct tape.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Luckily for the resident, nobody was injured.
  
• Clearwater Police Department
  Police and a trapper were called to help get the intruder out of the home.
  
• Clearwater Police Department
  The gator was eventually captured.
  
• Clearwater Police Department
  Police say the gator broke through these low windows in the kitchen.
  

 

[diggy]

Foreplay with a gun turns deadly, Florida man charged
by Gary Detman

Friday, May 31st 2019

Charles Shinault is accused of shooting a woman during foreplay. (Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office)


VALRICO, Fla. (CBS12) — Foreplay with a gun ended with a woman getting shot and killed, and her partner charged with manslaughter.

The HIllsborough County Sheriff's Office arrested 23-year-old Andrew Charles Shinault on Friday.

According to investigators, he accidentally shot a woman in her 20's last Sunday as the two started to get intimate with his registered hand gun. The shooting happened at his home in Valrico. The woman received a gun shot wound to her upper body. She died at Brandon Regional Hospital.

Shinault is being held at the Orient Road Jail on a charge of manslaughter with a weapon. His bond is set at $50,000.

 

[diggy]

Man pours salt in Walmart to get rid of evil spirits around him, sheriff says
by Gary Detman

Monday, June 3rd 2019

Dameon Cantrell, a homeless man, is accused of pouring salt on the floor around him at Walmart to get rid of evil spirits, according to his statement to deputies. (Pasco Sheriff's Office)


HUDSON, Fla. (CBS12) — A man in central Florida told deputies he poured salt on the floor of a Walmart store to get rid of the evil spirits around him.

The Pasco Sheriff's Office arrested 38-year-old Dameon Dean Cantrell early Sunday morning.

A store manager told investigators a man poured salt on the floor and on his feet before walking into the woods near the store. The manager said he wanted the man charged with trespassing.


A deputy found Cantrell laying under some trees in the woods, but still on Walmart property. He was arrested and taken to the Land O'Lakes Detention Center.

 

[diggy]

Florida shyt


Hollywood woman finds iguana in toilet


Hollywood woman finds iguana in toilet

7 News WSVN

HOLLYWOOD, FLA. (WSVN) - A Hollywood woman was surprised to find an iguana in her toilet bowl.

Melissa Reynolds said she was cleaning when she went to the bathroom and opened the toilet bowl lid to find a scaly surprise.

“I went to the bathroom and opened the lid, and I screamed, ‘Holy crap there’s an iguana in the toilet,'” said Reynolds.

She then slammed the lid shut and made a call to the best iguana catcher she knows: her father.

“I was in the shower, and my wife knocks on the door and says, ‘Melissa called and there’s a big iguana in her toilet,’ and I said, ‘OK, so I guess my day’s not over yet,'” said Reynold’s father, Harry Heghinian.

“He’s kind of like the professional iguana catcher. He’s caught a lot of iguanas,” said Reynolds.

Shortly after he arrived to her home, in the area of 54th Avenue and Hayes Street, to get to work.


Reynolds recorded the safe capturing of the reptile where her father could be seen carefully putting the iguana in to a box before letting him loose outside of the home.

“My biggest concern was going back to the hole there, and that was going to be much harder for me to catch later on because he would end up somewhere else in the house,” said Heghinian.

Reynolds posted the encounter on Facebook with the caption, “Only in Florida. Make sure you guys check your toilets before you poop!”

“There’s a first time for everything,” said Reynolds.

She’s not the only one who had a scaly encounter recently, as a homeowner in Coral Springs found a snake in his home on May 26.

Trappers said iguanas have a tendency of climbing up trees and down vent pipes that end up leading them to plumbing and sometimes the nearest commode.

 

[diggy]

VIDEO: Trooper hit by car in Broward County (vid link)

by Gary Detman

Tuesday, June 4th 2019

Florida Highway Patrol trooper hit by a car on the Turnpike. (FHP)

BROWARD COUNTY, Fla. (CBS12) — The Florida Highway Patrol is looking for the driver of a car that ran over a trooper in Broward County.

The incident happened on the Florida Turnpike near the Hollywood Boulevard exit on May 25, and it's all caught on camera.

The video shows a trooper talking to a driver of an SUV in the middle of the road. As that SUV pulls away, the trooper walks toward the side of the road. At the same time, a BMW pulls out from the side of the road and hits the trooper. The trooper hits the hood and windshield of the car. Another trooper rushes over to his aid while calling for help on his radio.

The trooper, Arsenio Caballero, has been released from the hospital. He suffered a broken wrist and cuts to his head, according to WSVN.


A few days later, authorities found the car abandoned. The FHP is still trying to track down the driver.

Anyone with information is being asked to call Broward County Crime Stoppers at 954-493-TIPS. You will remain anonymous and could receive a cash reward if your tip leads to an arrest.

 

[diggy]

Alligator intrudes on Florida couple's picnic, steals their guacamole

How rude!
By Jack Roskopp - Graham Media Group
Posted: 7:09 AM, June 05, 2019Updated: 8:47 AM, June 05, 2019

Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)

• Some cities have rat problems and some suburban areas have racc00n problems, but as we all know, the entire state of Florida seems to have an alligator problem, and this week, an alligator decided to intrude on a couple having a lovely picnic in Gainesville, Florida -- and basically ate all their food, including an entire bowl of guacamole.

How rude!

The couple told WGFL that they were just enjoying a splendid day, having a picnic alongside Lake Alice, when the alligator appeared alongside the lake and decided to join the couple before their picnic was all gone.

"He swims up to the bank and just looks us dead in the eyes and then he immediately just sprints up onto the beach," said Trevor Walter, who was there with his fiancé.

The truly insane part is what the alligator did once it got to the spread that the couple had set up for themselves.

The alligator first "annihilated an entire block of cheese" (OK, but who hasn't done that before?) "before moving on to the salami, half a watermelon and a full pound of grapes. The worst part is, we had a big bowl of guac made," Walters said. "He put the whole bowl in his mouth."

Did this alligator just get dumped or lose his job, because it sounds like he's just emotionally eating his feelings, and honestly, same.

Also, one would think the "worst part" of this experience would be a hungry alligator charging at you like you're his next lunch, but with the increasing price of avocados and limes, we would be a little upset that the picnic's priciest item was gobbled up just like that.

Luckily, the alligator did not harm the couple (Walters said the alligator retreated back to the water), but maybe think twice about your location for a lovely daytime picnic.

If it's not a hungry alligator, it could be a hungry racc00n or seagull that has its eye on your homemade guac.

 

[diggy]

Pet racc00n seen hanging out of car near central Florida

(WSVN) - A viral Facebook video showed a pet racc00n hanging out of a car window enjoying the breeze near central Florida.

Savannah Jade and her boyfriend, Jermaine, were traveling along Suncoast Boulevard in Homosassa Sunday when they came across a racc00n sitting in the lap of the driver next to them, according to FOX35 Orlando.


Jade is heard telling her boyfriend to look at the unusual sight.

“Whoa!” he reacts.

The video quickly amassed more than 50,000 views.

One of those viewers was actually the racc00n’s owner.

“Just to let everyone know that was me in that car and the famous racc00ns name is Hank Williams,” said Trisha Dunavant.


She said Williams was rescued at just two weeks old.

“He fell out of a tree and momma left him and he thinks he’s a dog,” Dunavant continued, “and best friends with my 100lb pitbull. He just had his 1st birthday.”

 

[Duke Dixon]

This is wild. I need to go through this thread.

 

[diggy]

Florida man arrested after allegedly pouring ketchup on sleeping girlfriend, report says

• 
  PINELLAS PARK, Fla. - A Florida man was arrested on domestic battery charges Sunday for allegedly dousing his sleeping girlfriend with a bottle of ketchup because he thought she was having an affair, according to court records.
  
  Officers responded to a home in Pinellas Park early Sunday where they found a woman “covered in ketchup,” a police report said.
  
  
  The woman’s boyfriend – identified in a police report as 37-year-old Peter Wagman – denied the condiment attack despite having “ketchup on the right side of his pants."
  
  
  
  
  Peter Wagman, 37, was arrested on domestic battery charges Sunday for allegedly dousing his sleeping girlfriend with a bottle of ketchup because he thought she was having an affair, according to court records. (Photo Credit: Pinellas County Jail)
  Police said the woman “woke up to ketchup being poured on her by the defendant as the defendant was yelling ‘that’s what you get, b----.”
  
  Wagman was released from county jail Monday. He has pleaded not guilty to a misdemeanor domestic battery. A judge ordered Wagman to have no contact with the victim. Her identity was not released.

 

[diggy]

Florida thief takes blowtorch to ATM, welds it shut instead
by The Associated Press

Wednesday, June 5th 2019

OKALOOSA ISLAND, Fla. (AP) — Authorities say two Florida burglars thought they were clever when they used a blowtorch to break into an ATM machine, but they never hit the jackpot.









Instead, the burning heat actually welded the ATM's hinges shut.

Okaloosa County Sheriff's officials say video surveillance shows two male suspects entering the Boardwalk on Okaloosa Island on Friday. One was armed with a crowbar and appeared to serve as the lookout while the other took the blowtorch to the ATM.


Instead of cutting the ATM with the blowtorch, authorities say the would-be thief welded the metal parts shut and the pair left with nothing.

 

[PikaDaDon]

The reason why theres alot of dumb people in Florida is because the standard of education is very low there. I was in high school in New York for 3 years but then moved to Miramar in my senior year. The classes I took were less rigorous. In the first 10 minutes of class the teacher would teach/dictate some stuff to the class, and then give out a worksheet for us to do. That's it. This was the format for every class. There was one teacher who tried to deviate from the format and do his own thing but he was fired. There were alot of kids who were illiterate and could barely do basic arithmetic but somehow got a diploma. The bar is really low down there.

 

[CodeBlaMeVi]

The reason why theres alot of dumb people in Florida is because the standard of education is very low there. I was in high school in New York for 3 years but then moved to Miramar in my senior year. The classes I took were less rigorous. In the first 10 minutes of class the teacher would teach/dictate some stuff to the class, and then give out a worksheet for us to do. That's it. This was the format for every class. There was one teacher who tried to deviate from the format and do his own thing but he was fired. There were alot of kids who were illiterate and could barely do basic arithmetic but somehow got a diploma. The bar is really low down there.

I can attest to this.

 

[posterchild336]

Florida thief takes blowtorch to ATM, welds it shut instead
by The Associated Press

Wednesday, June 5th 2019

OKALOOSA ISLAND, Fla. (AP) — Authorities say two Florida burglars thought they were clever when they used a blowtorch to break into an ATM machine, but they never hit the jackpot.









Instead, the burning heat actually welded the ATM's hinges shut.

Okaloosa County Sheriff's officials say video surveillance shows two male suspects entering the Boardwalk on Okaloosa Island on Friday. One was armed with a crowbar and appeared to serve as the lookout while the other took the blowtorch to the ATM.


Instead of cutting the ATM with the blowtorch, authorities say the would-be thief welded the metal parts shut and the pair left with nothing.

What r u the bearer of Florida bad news you are spamming the hell out of this thread

 

[diggy]

What r u the bearer of Florida bad news you are spamming the hell out of this thread

This is basically my personal thread of fukkery and recently alligators

 

[diggy]

Woman threatens crowd with 2 machetes at Florida axe-throwing business

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. (WFLA) - Witnesses say a woman inside a Florida axe-throwing business clanged two machetes together, proclaiming, "I’ve killed over a hundred people with these."

The incident happened Friday night at "Axe and Ale" in St. Petersburg, Florida.

“When she got there, she asked if I was the lady who loaned out axes,” said Michelle Simpson, owner of the business.


Simpson said the woman, police identified as Victoria Morley, showed up early Friday night, holding 2 machetes. “I didn't know what exactly what to say. I asked her to put them down. She didn't want to do that. And so I told her I would need her to move off the property” said Simpson.

Morley started to go, only for a moment. “She put the blades together and made the blade sound and then proceeded to tell people that she had killed over a hundred people with these, and that everybody should just leave her alone,” said Simpson.

“People were scared,” said St. Petersburg Police Department Spokesperson, Sandra Bentil.

The fun atmosphere turned tense. “She had the impression that she had used those machetes before. And it disturbed the peace there” said Bentil.

Michelle Simpson walked Morley to the back parking lot, as she called 911, concerned the woman with machetes could do some serious damage.

“She told me if I followed her that she would kill me but, she actually had them with ropes on her, the machetes had ropes around the handles,” said Simpson.

Simpson kept her distance, then spotted an officer, who promptly took charge.

If you decide to throw an axe at "Axe and Ale," there are some rules to follow: “No knives, no machetes, no throwing stars” said Simpson.

Victoria Morley is charged with misdemeanor Disorderly Conduct.