satireprod
Superstar
I knew this would turn out like this.
Yeah man, I think we got a lot of talent on here...what gives bruhs?
The Official Film Room Screenplay Feedback Thread
- Thread starter Drew Wonder
- Start date
Yeah man, I think we got a lot of talent on here...what gives bruhs?
MenacingMonk
Tranquilo
Cats just don't partake in things like this.
satireprod
Superstar
Drew Wonder
Superstar
I knew this would turn out like this.
I mean I get it, it's asking a lot to have people read full-length scripts, especially in a week. I'm still gonna give your script a read and will share my feedback between Sunday and Monday. You want me to PM everyone your script or you got it?
MenacingMonk
Tranquilo
I posted it on page 1.
As for the first script sent, I'll try to read 15-20 pages before next Sun. No way do I read the entire thing, even if I like it.
Drew Wonder
Superstar
@El Villano Ingobernable read your script. First, let me start off by saying I don't watch Avatar aside from a few episodes and I'm not very familiar with the lore or characters. Having said that, I liked your script. You did a great job in describing the visuals. Not too wordy but also dynamic enough to set a scene and give me a clear understanding of what you were describing. I especially liked the opening when you talk about the portal and the tree of time. You managed to describe a surreal and complex visual without overwriting. Nice job
Dialogue was very good. You were able to establish Tai's personality and also his world without being overly expository. All of the characters also had pretty distinct voices
Formatting was good as well as the grammar. One thing I'll say though is unless you're trying to direct this yourself, you should take out all the camera angles.
Few other things I noticed, when you wrote "Even though he is young he is mature for his age," try to avoid writing things about characters in descriptions that an audience watching wouldn't be able to tell visually. Remember you're writing visuals for a potential audience. Anything about the characters we need to know should be explained through visual cues and dialogue, not descriptions that only a person reading a script would be able to see
“The city appears to be the same as the one in the Last Airbender” Assume that the person reading the script has never seen the Last Airbender and actually describe what the city looks like
Get rid of all those quotes you put in the descriptions (ie. “You’re a jerk” “You’re no fun.” “Hey she likes you.”) Either make all of this dialogue or describe a characters' facial expression (ie. She glares at him, she grins as she stares at him, etc.) Goes back to what I said before about writing for an audience instead of a reader
But yeah man overall I liked it and it has me wanting to see more. You definitely have a gift for world building and writing visuals. Are you trying to shop a spec script around or are you just doing this for fun?
MenacingMonk
Tranquilo
@Drew Wonder
Thanks for reading. I just did that for fun. I was coming off my binge watch for Korra, so I was in the mood to do something for kicks.
The quotes thing, I've seen it done in a script before. Figured it was easier to let the reader know the characters thoughts.
I do need to work on "writing for an audience."
And the angle shots I put in because I saw it done in the first animation script I read. Just thought it'll be a better visual for the reader.
Thanks for reading. I just did that for fun. I was coming off my binge watch for Korra, so I was in the mood to do something for kicks.
The quotes thing, I've seen it done in a script before. Figured it was easier to let the reader know the characters thoughts.
I do need to work on "writing for an audience."
And the angle shots I put in because I saw it done in the first animation script I read. Just thought it'll be a better visual for the reader.
MenacingMonk
Tranquilo
@Drew Wonder
Was that your script you sent out first? I read 6 pages. I'll try to get some more in later.
Only thing I noticed off was punctuation errors. "Good morning sweetie" should have a comma after morning. That's just one example of a few errors.
Was that your script you sent out first? I read 6 pages. I'll try to get some more in later.
Only thing I noticed off was punctuation errors. "Good morning sweetie" should have a comma after morning. That's just one example of a few errors.
Drew Wonder
Superstar
Gotcha. I do know there are some contests out there that allow scripts for existing tv shows and movies so it's definitely worth finishing this.
Drew Wonder
Superstar
Yup, it's mine. I'm doing away with the one week deadline so whenever you have time. Good looks
Also I’m in to read any and post.
Drew Wonder
Superstar
Curious question, how do you do all this?
Try these links
Secure Script Registration
U.S. Copyright Office
Drew Wonder
Superstar
Curious question, how do you do all this?
Double
Drew Wonder
Superstar
Added you to Week 4 and messaged you my script