Drew Wonder
Superstar
You want me to add you for the week 4 script or you don’t think it’ll be ready by then?
The Official Film Room Screenplay Feedback Thread
- Thread starter Drew Wonder
- Start date
You want me to add you for the week 4 script or you don’t think it’ll be ready by then?
Drew Wonder
Superstar
Ah I see, yeah I might do that just to be safe.
nah finals coming up. I need to buckle down
Subbed
satireprod
Superstar
No doubt
Handle your priorities. Definitely pop back in when you're done.
storyteller
Superstar
Subbing, I'm down to check these out and offer feedback where I see fit for sure. Definitely enjoy seeing yall grind and getting inspired to work harder.
satireprod
Superstar
Respect, you write some?
satireprod
Superstar
Just popping this back up top, since tomorrow will be the first script for everyone to read.
Drew Wonder
Superstar
Alright, I’m gonna start this off. I’m going to PM you guys the logline and the script but feel free to write all your feedback here in this thread. @satireprod I know you already read the script and gave feedback so only join in on this one if you absolutely want to. This is an updated draft from the one you read with a few formatting changes and a few new and slightly altered scenes.
To everybody else, this is the first script I’ve written in about 8 years and the first one I’ve done with the goal of getting it sold. Feel free to give any type of feedback you want but the main things I’m looking for are 1) Is it actually good? 2) Were you entertained by it? 3)Does it have a realistic chance of being sold? 4) Were you able to follow the story and pick up on certain themes or was it too confusing?
Thanks so much for doing this. And I promise to give thorough feedback and a reading of any submitted material from everyone who takes the time to read my script.
I’m only PM’ing the people who’ve responded in this thread but if anyone else is seeing this thread for the first time and either wants to submit their own script or take a look at mine, just let me know and I’ll PM you as well. Thanks again everybody. Much appreciated.
@VillanoVIII @satireprod @Otis Kane Jr. @trick @Conz @Muad'dib @Stepintoaworld @Vice Queen @MartyMcFly @The Millennial Falcon™ @Turk @León de Oro @Squirrel from Meteor Man
To everybody else, this is the first script I’ve written in about 8 years and the first one I’ve done with the goal of getting it sold. Feel free to give any type of feedback you want but the main things I’m looking for are 1) Is it actually good? 2) Were you entertained by it? 3)Does it have a realistic chance of being sold? 4) Were you able to follow the story and pick up on certain themes or was it too confusing?
Thanks so much for doing this. And I promise to give thorough feedback and a reading of any submitted material from everyone who takes the time to read my script.
I’m only PM’ing the people who’ve responded in this thread but if anyone else is seeing this thread for the first time and either wants to submit their own script or take a look at mine, just let me know and I’ll PM you as well. Thanks again everybody. Much appreciated.
@VillanoVIII @satireprod @Otis Kane Jr. @trick @Conz @Muad'dib @Stepintoaworld @Vice Queen @MartyMcFly @The Millennial Falcon™ @Turk @León de Oro @Squirrel from Meteor Man
satireprod
Superstar
and since you say there are some changes I'l try to reread it as well. Ladies and gentlemen, let's get it.
@Drew Wonder here's my not so professional "critique" of your logline...
first of all, loglines suck. I hate them. it's like trying to fit an elephant into an overhead bin. you have to get every major detail into 1 sentence while also not spoiling everything and it always feels undercooked. i'm trying to wear my "expert" hat and just take past experiences of my own into account even though i tend to think "they" nitpick the fukk out of things and aren't at the top of Hollywood for a reason...
with that, i say this one feels a little undercooked.
i don't know that it's 100% necessary but i prefer to have an adjective describe the main character. so slap a word to describe her character before "teen." Easier said than done. find a fancier word for "determined" that people will still know the definition of without looking it up.
I think the first part of the logline is fine. mind altering drugs, ok. that's something. ... then it gets kinda generic. feel like we've seen the "hero joins an underground freedom fighter group" 100 times. and i think "through the use of a powerful substance" kinda ends it on a "meh" note. I imagine that substance is the major thru-line of the script you don't want to outright tell us what it is, but "powerful substance" isn't necessarily leaving me yearning to know what it could possibly be. That's the part that i think is the problem. you set the world, you set the protagonist, you set the goal of the story, and then "powerful substance" it just kinda ends on a question mark.
This isn't my genre. I'm not running to see this, and it feels familiar (keep thinking of Dredd,) but at the same time i can 100% already see some cool scenes in my head, so that's a good thing. Spoil me - what's the substance?
and that's my non-scientific, pulled from my ass take.
first of all, loglines suck. I hate them. it's like trying to fit an elephant into an overhead bin. you have to get every major detail into 1 sentence while also not spoiling everything and it always feels undercooked. i'm trying to wear my "expert" hat and just take past experiences of my own into account even though i tend to think "they" nitpick the fukk out of things and aren't at the top of Hollywood for a reason...
with that, i say this one feels a little undercooked.
i don't know that it's 100% necessary but i prefer to have an adjective describe the main character. so slap a word to describe her character before "teen." Easier said than done. find a fancier word for "determined" that people will still know the definition of without looking it up.
I think the first part of the logline is fine. mind altering drugs, ok. that's something. ... then it gets kinda generic. feel like we've seen the "hero joins an underground freedom fighter group" 100 times. and i think "through the use of a powerful substance" kinda ends it on a "meh" note. I imagine that substance is the major thru-line of the script you don't want to outright tell us what it is, but "powerful substance" isn't necessarily leaving me yearning to know what it could possibly be. That's the part that i think is the problem. you set the world, you set the protagonist, you set the goal of the story, and then "powerful substance" it just kinda ends on a question mark.
This isn't my genre. I'm not running to see this, and it feels familiar (keep thinking of Dredd,) but at the same time i can 100% already see some cool scenes in my head, so that's a good thing. Spoil me - what's the substance?
and that's my non-scientific, pulled from my ass take.
Drew Wonder
Superstar
Good looks! Yeah I think I was so worried about not being too wordy with the logline that I wasn’t descriptive enough. The powerful substance is actually another drug lol, so I just said substance so it wouldn’t be repetetive. The drug comes from a flower though so maybe “mysterious flower”? Idk I’ll play around with it. I actually got feedback on it from a competition and the judge wrote their own logline which I didn’t particularly care for. But I’ll get more into that later.
not sure, but good call on not repeating words. repetition is death... at least to me. nothing bugs me more than when someone writes:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
The room blah blah blah
we know it's a room, don't say that shyt again. nitpick but it bugs me.
Drew Wonder
Superstar
Man one of my biggest struggles is not being too wordy in the descriptions and leaving things up to the reader to interpret. My story has a lot of visuals and the temptation was to be descriptive as possible. But the judge called me out on it, basically told me there were parts that looked like a novel and no serious script reader has time to read through all that. More white space the better. So there’s that and also being too detailed in describing action, like talking about a character nodding, sighing, grinning, etc. it’s a challenge for me because there are still moments where I feel like a characters’ movements and body language can convey a lot that I don’t have to convey through dialogue but at the same time any actor will look at that and feel like it restricts their performance too much. But the biggest takeaway I got was that I’m a bit too much of a control freak with the script and unless I’m planning on directing it, that’s not necessary.