MenacingMonk
Tranquilo
medit
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The Coli's Screenwriting/Filmmaking Thread [Share tips, etc]
- Thread starter CEITEDMOFO
- Start date
MenacingMonk
Tranquilo
m
Y'all couldn't even give me feedback
Y'all couldn't even give me feedback
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StraxStrax
I'm selling these fine leather jackets
Was on the production team for these PSAs/ads
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MenacingMonk
Tranquilo
Hey, guys, looking to get feedback on my short. It's a teaser for future shorts where some fukked up situations happen to the character(s).
Is it funny? Is my writing style passable? Grammar or punctuation mistakes?
Is it funny? Is my writing style passable? Grammar or punctuation mistakes?
steadyrighteous
Veteran
I just read it.
Grammar and punctuation didn't seem to be an issue.
To be honest, I didn't find it funny. The characters are in their twenties, so for people that age it was really tame. Maybe if they were 15-ish then it would pass as something funny that happened to two kids on an ABC style comedy. So to be constructive I'd say drop the ages to mid-teens.
Also, it might work better if the slacker/skinny guy was the one benching and the husky one was the one staring at Jessica.
It also kinda didn't go anywhere or... do anything, if that makes sense. It really didn't have an ending or a beginning. It just started, and then it stopped.
This is a bad idea, and not my style of comedy, but here's my shytty take on it:
Slacker kid benching, husky kid on phone.
Husky kid sees Jessica across the street, snaps out of a short daze, quickly focuses back on phone, typing and swiping frantically. Text sound sends.
Slacker continues to struggle as husky kid watches Jessica, back in daze.
Little boy goes by on bike, takes top off.
Jessica comes in, asks for shirt. Husky kid points to it.
Jessica goes to bathroom to put it on.
Kid on bike pulls up to garage. Husky kid goes over and gives him money.
Jessica comes out of bathroom and says something like "So... what are you guys doing?" (Like she's never hung with them before, but knows them from school and says "fukk it, might as well hang with these dudes for the day kinda way)
End.
Not good lol, but based on what you wrote that's what I'd do with the given characters and situation.
MenacingMonk
Tranquilo
Thanks breh.I just read it.
Grammar and punctuation didn't seem to be an issue.
To be honest, I didn't find it funny. The characters are in their twenties, so for people that age it was really tame. Maybe if they were 15-ish then it would pass as something funny that happened to two kids on an ABC style comedy. So to be constructive I'd say drop the ages to mid-teens.
Also, it might work better if the slacker/skinny guy was the one benching and the husky one was the one staring at Jessica.
It also kinda didn't go anywhere or... do anything, if that makes sense. It really didn't have an ending or a beginning. It just started, and then it stopped.
This is a bad idea, and not my style of comedy, but here's my shytty take on it:
Slacker kid benching, husky kid on phone.
Husky kid sees Jessica across the street, snaps out of a short daze, quickly focuses back on phone, typing and swiping frantically. Text sound sends.
Slacker continues to struggle as husky kid watches Jessica, back in daze.
Little boy goes by on bike, takes top off.
Jessica comes in, asks for shirt. Husky kid points to it.
Jessica goes to bathroom to put it on.
Kid on bike pulls up to garage. Husky kid goes over and gives him money.
Jessica comes out of bathroom and says something like "So... what are you guys doing?" (Like she's never hung with them before, but knows them from school and says "fukk it, might as well hang with these dudes for the day kinda way)
End.
Not good lol, but based on what you wrote that's what I'd do with the given characters and situation.
But yeah, This is actually a remix of a scene I have in mind. The scene I have is more adult. I might post it up since that's the one I'm more concerned about.
how was the dialogue?
steadyrighteous
Veteran
Thanks breh.
But yeah, This is actually a remix of a scene I have in mind. The scene I have is more adult. I might post it up since that's the one I'm more concerned about.
how was the dialogue?
The dialogue felt a little stilted in places (to me), someone else might read it and it would flow better.
I have that same problem too (I haven't written in a minute) but sometimes I try and right "grammatically correct dialogue" instead of words that would sound natural coming out of a person's mouth.
For example:
"I'm wasting my next paycheck on you" would look good in a book, but saying it doesn't feel like something characters that age would say, so you could tweak it to:
"I'm spending my whole paycheck on you" or "There goes my next paycheck".
Someone else here might have some more/better ideas, though.
MenacingMonk
Tranquilo
Eh, I don't see what's wrong with that line. I do read some of my dialogue out loud and that line doesn't sound bad.
But I'll keep that in mind next time.
steadyrighteous
Veteran
Eh, I don't see what's wrong with that line. I do read some of my dialogue out loud and that line doesn't sound bad.
But I'll keep that in mind next time.
You're probably right. If it feels right for you and your voice, then it's right.
MenacingMonk
Tranquilo
Eh, I wouldn't say "right." Everyone has their own way of speaking.
steadyrighteous
Veteran
Eh, I wouldn't say "right." Everyone has their own way of speaking.
I know. I just meant if you feel that the way it's done represents your characters correctly, and represents you as a writer, then that's the way you should keep it. It's right in that way.
What would you recommend. I went to school to be a writer but changed my major when the press went digital
Imma get back to writing.
MenacingMonk
Tranquilo
Screenwriter's Bible by Trottier. Probably the only thing you need. Other books go more in depth on character, story, plot, etc. But SB gives you the basics.What would you recommend. I went to school to be a writer but changed my major when the press went digital
Imma get back to writing.
my suggestion... if you're gonna read a book, just write off that book's style until you're comfortable formatting and shyt... then once you know you can sit down and write 5 pages with no problems, or errors, start branching out. If you start out reading a bunch of different books, then check the internet and read all the snark from failing writers, you're gonna get dizzy and not know what the fukk is right or wrong.
truth is there probably ISN'T a standard to screenwriting, but you still gotta know formatting and shyt. Save the Cat was the book like a decade ago, now all the bitter writers out there will tell you it's shyt. just use shyt like that as a loose guideline and do your own thing. color within the lines, but use whatevery fukkin weird colors you wanna use. does that make sense? i still use the STC beat sheet as a very loose skeletal system to anything i write, and i don't give a fukk if Joe "I optioned one script for $2500 and work at a gas station in LA now" Nonconformist says STC is incorrect.
truth is there probably ISN'T a standard to screenwriting, but you still gotta know formatting and shyt. Save the Cat was the book like a decade ago, now all the bitter writers out there will tell you it's shyt. just use shyt like that as a loose guideline and do your own thing. color within the lines, but use whatevery fukkin weird colors you wanna use. does that make sense? i still use the STC beat sheet as a very loose skeletal system to anything i write, and i don't give a fukk if Joe "I optioned one script for $2500 and work at a gas station in LA now" Nonconformist says STC is incorrect.
