Started writing a Hip Hop themed fictional book. new chapters 3-29-20!

[Mowgli]

This makes no sense at all.

So the outside observer is a real nikka who uses phrases like "makeshift" and "commonplace" ? Who is he telling this corny ass story to? If the observer is a "real nikka" I guess that's why this is written at a tenth grade level.

The narrator been to jail and bruhs who been locked up switch between proper and street slang. U need to interact with more people.

I met some serious felons who talk like Mr Rogers then dona 180 wHen they are talking freely

 

[TL15]

The narrator been to jail and bruhs who been locked up switch between proper and street slang. U need to interact with more people.

I met some serious felons who talk like Mr Rogers then dona 180 wHen they are talking freely

I've interacted with plenty of people... you need to read more books and quit trying to find a reason to . I gave the homie constructive criticism. I've written books and read books. If the narrator has been to jail and is code-switching, then who is the audience? The audience shouldn't switch mid sentence. Is the narrator giving us the perspective using words like makeshift (which in this case would be the word of a complete outside observer) or is the narrator ensconced in the action and giving us slang like "his bytch Cathy"?

A book is supposed to be written from a perspective for an audience. Either perspective is fine with me (the perspective of the insider observer works great and the perspective from someone separate from the action is great) but to switch between both without rhyme or reason shows that this writer needs work. If you can't understand that statement then I don't know what to tell you.

Regardless, I honestly don't care enough beyond this message. I'm not trying to derail the homie's thread. He asked for criticism and I gave it to him. If he (or you ) can't take the criticism it really means nothing to me. I'm trying to help the man before he goes to some publisher with a tenth grade novel and gets laughed out of the building for tense disagreement, inappropriate vernacular switching, a lack of direction and voice from the first page, and basically a novice novel.

But this is the coli so he'll probably self-publish, be a millionaire only selling to black people, and come up with a new interactive innovative technological platform via his 6 certs.

 

[Mowgli]

J

I've interacted with plenty of people... you need to read more books and quit trying to find a reason to . I gave the homie constructive criticism. I've written books and read books. If the narrator has been to jail and is code-switching, then who is the audience? The audience shouldn't switch mid sentence. Is the narrator giving us the perspective using words like makeshift (which in this case would be the word of a complete outside observer) or is the narrator ensconced in the action and giving us slang like "his bytch Cathy"?

A book is supposed to be written from a perspective for an audience. Either perspective is fine with me (the perspective of the insider observer works great and the perspective from someone separate from the action is great) but to switch between both without rhyme or reason shows that this writer needs work. If you can't understand that statement then I don't know what to tell you.

Regardless, I honestly don't care enough beyond this message. I'm not trying to derail the homie's thread. He asked for criticism and I gave it to him. If he (or you ) can't take the criticism it really means nothing to me. I'm trying to help the man before he goes to some publisher with a tenth grade novel and gets laughed out of the building for tense disagreement, inappropriate vernacular switching, a lack of direction and voice from the first page, and basically a novice novel.

But this is the coli so he'll probably self-publish, be a millionaire only selling to black people, and come up with a new interactive innovative technological platform via his 6 certs.

What's the name of your book

 

[Miss Lucifer's Love]

Ok I'm a writer (professionally, like people pay me actual money to write, like this has been my career for a decade plus, like I have books on Amazon that are not self published) but more importantly I'm an editor, so I know what I'm talking about from a publisher's standpoint.

You've gotten some good advice here regarding deciding which voice/perspective you're going to use and stuff like that. You need to work on showing instead of telling and stop writing like its a screenplay. You're talking about the action instead of describing it. For instance, instead of "Looking around the small living room in the sparsely furnished home..." Something like, "He looked from the threadbare/shabby/whatever rug to the dingy, unadorned walls..." This is a terribly written example but I'm rushing. You get the idea, though. I mean, which one can you "see" better? Just let the reader create the scene in their mind with the details you provide. And you don't have to describe the living room all at one time, either. You can make a remark about how small it is in another scene (maybe a dialog in which the character gets playfully clowned about his little-ass place), and how little furniture it has in yet another.

I suggest you do a lot of reading of a lot of well-written books (not in the Hood Life genre, most of that shyt is absolute TRASH writing) to get an idea of how things should flow.


I'd also like to add that unless you're going to introduce some shyt we've never read/seen/heard of before, this book is pointless. I'm saying this with nothing but love. There are trillions of hood life books, and they all read exactly like yours. Why does your book need to exist beyond the fact that its yours and you want it to? What does it add to the world? They're not called "novels" for nothin.

 

[bigrodthe1]

Ok I'm a writer (professionally, like people pay me actual money to write, like this has been my career for a decade plus, like I have books on Amazon that are not self published) but more importantly I'm an editor, so I know what I'm talking about from a publisher's standpoint.

You've gotten some good advice here regarding deciding which voice/perspective you're going to use and stuff like that. You need to work on showing instead of telling and stop writing like its a screenplay. You're talking about the action instead of describing it. For instance, instead of "Looking around the small living room in the sparsely furnished home..." Something like, "He looked from the threadbare/shabby/whatever rug to the dingy, unadorned walls..." This is a terribly written example but I'm rushing. You get the idea, though. I mean, which one can you "see" better? Just let the reader create the scene in their mind with the details you provide. And you don't have to describe the living room all at one time, either. You can make a remark about how small it is in another scene (maybe a dialog in which the character gets playfully clowned about his little-ass place), and how little furniture it has in yet another.

I suggest you do a lot of reading of a lot of well-written books (not in the Hood Life genre, most of that shyt is absolute TRASH writing) to get an idea of how things should flow.


I'd also like to add that unless you're going to introduce some shyt we've never read/seen/heard of before, this book is pointless. I'm saying this with nothing but love. There are trillions of hood life books, and they all read exactly like yours. Why does your book need to exist beyond the fact that its yours and you want it to? What does it add to the world? They're not called "novels" for nothin.

Thanks for the excellent feedback. First thing...can you turn me on to some book that you would classify as "well-written" I used to read alot of diverse books all the time but of late I haven't seen much that held my attention past a few minutes. Also I don't plan to only write "hood" novels. My next project will actually involve an antagonist from a middle class working environment. I started this plot first because of my love for hip hop and hood culture and unfortunately I figured the average reader from my core crowd would relate to this first and not dismiss it after the first chapter. I plan to funk they head up with the next project with how descriptive I can be in another genre as well. Then after that I want to write a project strictly from a female perspective(now that should be fun)
The reason my book should exist versus the other hood life books is because I'm BIG ROD DAMMIT :this story will be different I consider what is on display here as Act 1. The shyt is now about to pop off!
Last thing...once I complete this how much would you charge to edit it? I already knew the Coli was full of diverse talent. That's why I presented it to our audience.

 

[Taadow]

Chapter 1
The Detroit underworld, the one place that Mark

*taps out*

 

[bigrodthe1]

This makes no sense at all.

So the outside observer is a real nikka who uses phrases like "makeshift" and "commonplace" ? Who is he telling this corny ass story to? If the observer is a "real nikka" I guess that's why this is written at a tenth grade level.

You do know that when writing the unspoken rule is the present it at a 6th grade reading level right??? I honestly don't think you have ever written anything because you would already know that. And hell a 10th grade level is pretty good but you are a hypocrite because first you say I'm basically using to many big words but then try to insult me by the 10th grade shyt. is it you owe me or one mic it's cool though. Thanks for taking the time to read.*edit...and BTW I already got them IT certs

The narrator been to jail and bruhs who been locked up switch between proper and street slang. U need to interact with more people.

I met some serious felons who talk like Mr Rogers then dona 180 wHen they are talking freely

This is a definite true statement. I really would like to know where tl15 is from cause they are totally lost when it come to hood cats.

 

[bigrodthe1]

*taps out*

I take it your adhd kicked in

 

[TL15]

You do know that when writing the unspoken rule is the present it at a 6th grade reading level right??? I honestly don't think you have ever written anything because you would already know that. And hell a 10th grade level is pretty good but you are a hypocrite because first you say I'm basically using to many big words but then try to insult me by the 10th grade shyt. is it you owe me or one mic it's cool though. Thanks for taking the time to read.*edit...and BTW I already got them IT certs

This is a definite true statement. I really would like to know where tl15 is from cause they are totally lost when it come to hood cats.

Nah breh. Your reading comprehension is almost as bad as your writing. I have a degree in English Education, I've been writing my whole life. Doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone, but my critique is spot on.

The "unspoken rule is to present it at a 6th grade level" ? To who exactly? Have you read anyone at all? Crichton, Clancey, Palahniuk, King, Koontz (and these are just mainstream fiction authors) all write WELL above a 6th grade level. are you talking about?

I never once said you shouldn't use big words. Clearly you have an issue with understanding critique. I'll break it down to you in a more simple manner...a 6th grade manner:

You are writing two separate styles for one "voice" and it causes inconsistencies. In one sentence you want us to believe that the observer is an outside observer (since you use words like "makeshift" which is a fine word...but not a "hood" word). In the next sentence you use phrases like "his bytch Cathy" which is "hood" vernacular. So you need to have an agreement on your voice. Is your voice someone from the hood telling us a story (which works in many stories) or is the book someone who is an intelligent person narrating the story (which works as well)? It's the difference between reading the novel "Push" (which the movie "Precious" was made from) which is written with an integrated narrator and reading "To Kill a Mockingbird" with an exterior narrator.

I'm not a hypocrite because you don't understand the critique. Know the difference. But if you don't agree with me (which is fine artistic merit is all yours), instead of sourcing your unpublished work on a message board, hire someone to read it and give you an honest critique (which I also recommended). No one was trying to take a shot at you. I was trying to make you better. But in this world of "everyone wins" I guess you lose when you tell someone step their game up

BTW if you're going to quote Hov do it right: "Is it oochie wally wally or is it one mic? Is it black girl lost or shorty owe you for ice?"

 

[bigrodthe1]

Nah breh. Your reading comprehension is almost as bad as your writing. I have a degree in English Education, I've been writing my whole life. Doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone, but my critique is spot on.

The "unspoken rule is to present it at a 6th grade level" ? To who exactly? Have you read anyone at all? Crichton, Clancey, Palahniuk, King, Koontz (and these are just mainstream fiction authors) all write WELL above a 6th grade level. are you talking about?

I never once said you shouldn't use big words. Clearly you have an issue with understanding critique. I'll break it down to you in a more simple manner...a 6th grade manner:

You are writing two separate styles for one "voice" and it causes inconsistencies. In one sentence you want us to believe that the observer is an outside observer (since you use words like "makeshift" which is a fine word...but not a "hood" word). In the next sentence you use phrases like "his bytch Cathy" which is "hood" vernacular. So you need to have an agreement on your voice. Is your voice someone from the hood telling us a story (which works in many stories) or is the book someone who is an intelligent person narrating the story (which works as well)? It's the difference between reading the novel "Push" (which the movie "Precious" was made from) which is written with an integrated narrator and reading "To Kill a Mockingbird" with an exterior narrator.

I'm not a hypocrite because you don't understand the critique. Know the difference. But if you don't agree with me (which is fine artistic merit is all yours), instead of sourcing your unpublished work on a message board, hire someone to read it and give you an honest critique (which I also recommended). No one was trying to take a shot at you. I was trying to make you better. But in this world of "everyone wins" I guess you lose when you tell someone step their game up

BTW if you're going to quote Hov do it right: "Is it oochie wally wally or is it one mic? Is it black girl lost or shorty owe you for ice?"

One simple question in regards to all this...a "hood" person can't speak with both hood and "proper" intellect??? Cause I believe that they can do both. Hell I'm the nikka writing this and I been both dealer and corporate...matter of fact both are really close to the same in the end
I'm not mad at you but I DO feel that you are being real subjective when voicing your thoughts

 

[TL15]

One simple question in regards to all this...a "hood" person can't speak with both hood and "proper" intellect??? Cause I believe that they can do both. Hell I'm the nikka writing this and I been both dealer and corporate...matter of fact both are really close to the same in the end
I'm not mad at you but I DO feel that you are being real subjective when voicing your thoughts

Breh I'm not saying that at all. Trust me...all blacks codeswitch. I was saying from a literary standpoint (not talking with friends and then talking with a boss) that is a nagging inconsistency that you should think about changing. It would be like hearing Morgan Freeman narrate a movie and every other sentence it's Martin Lawrence narrating as well. Stick with one "voice" (I have no preference for either) and run with it. If it's gritty...be gritty 100...if it's an outside observer, embrace that.

Critique is definitely subjective. I'm not telling you I'm 100% right, I gave my critique and explained it. I also you in the first post for chasing a dream. I also said "get it read by a professional" so they can give you feedback. I'm all about picking people up and sometimes people see the "tough" and not the "love" (no homo)

 

[bigrodthe1]

What's up fam...thought I would hit a quick update. I have officially finished the story...I had a setback that made me end up have to write by hand the majority of the story versus typing so I'm now trying to finish typing it out and it's a pain I thought I would add to more chapters for critique and once I finish it all I would like a couple of members to check it out and review. Here are the 2 new chapters


Chapter 5

D silently watched from the bushes as Mary knocked on the guard door to the spot. When he saw the young spot worker come and unlatch the lock he observed Mary do as he had instructed her and engage the young in conversation for as long as possible.

“What’s good Tim?” Mary spoke

“what’s good with you”

“Loretta said you were looking for some company”

“Well what you talking about?”

“40 for the half 60 for the around the world”

“bytch you tripping! I got a 20 piece for each of us flat out”

“Come on Tim, you know I’m worth more than that”

Mary fidgeted as she observed out of the corner of her eyes D starting to make his approach.

Tim spoke “Well we pretty short right now cause these nikkas taking forever with the re-up. We can hit you with the stone each and 20 cash, then you can come back later after we re-up and I can throw you a lil something more”

“Yeah right. I heard that shyt before”

“Come on now. I got you”

D watched as Tim now started to open the door for Mary. He then motioned for his right hand man Gotti to start making his move. As Mary made her way into the door Tim momentarily stopped to admire her thick pale frame “I’m about to tear this ass up” Tim silently thought. He then turned to close the guard door and immediately realized his mistake when he saw a hooded figure with his face covered coming through the door brandishing a large revolver. Tim tried to slam the door on the assailant to buy himself a brief moment but was too late. Gotti was quickly on him and hit him in the temple with the automatic weapon opening a hug gash and sent him falling to the floor. Mary screamed and ran toward the living room of the small flat. Onion came into the back kitchen upon hearing the commotion and upon seeing the armed gunman quickly realized the peril that they were in and started to run for the stash spot for his weapon. At that moment D came from around Tim’s sprawled body with Gotti hovering over him and spotted Onion maneuvering out the room. He surmised that he was going for a weapon so he moved to cut him off. As Onion reached the living room he flipped the couch over to grab a sawed off 12 gauge pump shotgun. He reached down and grabbed the weapon and came up prepared to shoot but it was too late. He locked eyes with a masked D who quickly let fly 2 shots from the large handgun striking Onion in his upper torso. D watched Onion’s body go down in a heap and drop the weapon. Once he was assured that the young worker was no longer a threat he retreated back to the kitchen grabbing Mary by the throat and taking her along as he did. D then motioned for Gotti to proceed as they had already discussed previous to hitting the lick on the dope spot. Gotti proceeded to sit Tim up and spoke to Him

“Where it at nikka”

Tim tried to keep his composure and replied “Nothing here but what’s in my pocket cause we just sent out for a re-up”

At that point Mary spoke “He told me they was waiting on the re-up to come to him”

At that moment Tim realized the setup for what it was. He figured he might as well give the gunmen what they wanted and try to live for another day to seek revenge on whoever the gunmen were and especially the crooked white whore.

Gotti proceeded to smack Tim again with the pistol making him scream out in pain. Gotti spoke “nikka if I got to ask you one more time they will find yo head in pieces and then I will find it myself”

“Alright. Cash is in the cushions of the couch and the work is in the chimney”

“Smart move cuz” Gotti replied and he then pulled a piece of rope out of his hoodie and tied Tim’s hands behind his back. Gotti and D methodically with haste ransacked the spot finding the drugs, money, and 2 handguns along with the 12 gauge. Upon completion of their goal they started to leave the home. The 2 gunmen paused briefly to speak. “What about Tim?” Gotti asked his older accomplice. D looked down at the young boy that they both knew from the neighborhood. He then coldly stated. “You know the rules.” He then headed for the back door. Gotti then without emotion turned and fired his weapon 2 times striking Tim in his upper body. He then also started heading for the door. Mary brought up the rear silently looking at the 2 bodies of young black males laying on the floor of the destroyed home. She briefly had a moment of compassion and contempt for the destruction she just played a large part in. She quickly hardened and remembered the cruel world she now lived and maneuvered in.

“Only the strong survive” she silently voiced. She then moved her thoughts to exiting the home and collecting her agreed upon payment for the robbery because right now she really needed to score some strong drugs to take her mind away from the event she just witnessed. She lifted her head and was several feet from the door when she saw D enter back in the home and raise his pistol in her direction. Before she could even open her mouth to scream or protest he let loose a shot striking her squarely in the temple. As her body tumbled to the ground she had a look of shock and bewilderment on her face. D stood over her and spoke in a low tone “Stupid bytch” He then proceeded to exit the home closing the doors with his gloved hand.

 

[bigrodthe1]

Chapter 6

Officer Williams listened as the call came over the radio.

“All available cars please respond to 10-71 700 Block of Goldengate West. Reports of multiple gunshot victims. Possible homicides.”

Officer Williams, a decorated, longtime DPD Officer, whom had been assigned to the homicide unit for actually too long, decided that since he was less than a few miles from the scene and on his route home to Sherwood forest that he might as well stop and take a look. As officer Williams neared the listed block he turned right off of Woodward onto Hollywood. He was immediately disgusted by how destroyed the block which used to house large affluent brick single family homes had become. Now stood maybe 5 livable homes in the entire quarter mile radius. He slowly shook his head and silently thought and was sickened by how the drugs and corruption, a lot by people he used to call colleagues, had just destroyed the once proud city he had lived in nearly his entire life. Upon arriving on the scene which was lined off with yellow tape and a throng of neighborhood dealers, users, prostitutes and average nosy individuals. Williams quickly spotted his fellow colleague and Detective Johnson, a heavyset white male whom had seen more than his share of gunned down black males. He had been assigned as lead Detective. The 2 officers exchanged pleasantries.

“What up Doe Will” Officer Johnson hollered out trying to sound cool.

“Just another beautiful day in the neighborhood it appears.” And both officers gave a slight laugh despite the grim situation at hand.

“What you got?” Williams inquired.

“Looks like a robbery. 2 black males with multiple gunshot wounds. Both are young and appear to be workers. Other victim is a Caucasian woman, looks to be in her early thirties. Want to go in and take a look since you been working this neighborhood since the days the houses still had bricks. I thought you might be able to help out here.”

Officer Williams gave his colleague a sly look and replied “You just know I’m black and will crack some skulls to help you gain an upper hand and get a closure number on a triple.”

Johnson threw his hands to his side and gave a grin then replied “Ok you got me” both officers gave a slight laugh then proceeded to enter the small home moving onlookers out the way as they passed.

“Looks like the ambush took place from the backdoor and spread into the rest of the house.” Johnson spoke.

As they moved around they heard one of the medical workers exclaim “This one has vitals. Stabilize him” Several workers then went to work and after what seemed like many tension filled minutes the young teen started to maintain a steady pulse rate.

“Looks like we have a survivor” Johnson stated. Williams, always the quick wit, stated “you know in a hood like this the culprits are probably outside watching what’s going on.”

Johnson’s eyes beamed “you probably right. Let’s get this perimeter cleared before removing anyone.” Williams nodded his head in agreement.

“I think I know the cats who supplied this house or at the worst some of the clientele. I can try to ruffle some feathers”

They continued through the house and came upon the Caucasian woman in the kitchen with a single shot to the head. Williams recognized her as a prostitute from the area. He silently thought “How did you get caught up in this” He moved on and both officers continued to search for clues then sent patrol staff to clear the vicinity.

“looks like another long night.” Williams stated to his buddy.

 

[KingsOfKings]

subs

 

[Skooby]

@bigrodthe1 Were you a Journalism major/do you write for a living or did you just decide to write a book one day?