LadySimone
Banned
I'll try to read it later but the first couple of lines are cool. Thanks for sharing and I agree with the other posters in that you should be more mindful about protecting your intellectual property.
Started writing a Hip Hop themed fictional book. new chapters 3-29-20!
- Thread starter bigrodthe1
- Start date
KingsOfKings
♟️ GRANDMASTERS ♟️
what inspired you to write this breh?
Don't want to sound cliched but I think a higher calling. I had some time on my hands and I had been wanting to give it a shot for awhile. I finally decided to just sit down and start and see what it lead to. I had no laid out story or anything other than most of the elements are based around things I have seen. And Mark is most definitely not ME. If anything KR is based on myself. I just had a female friend offer to write a scenario revolving around Mark and Keisha which will be more from a woman's perspective. Like I stated before at this point I don't have a concrete endpoint but I have some definite ideas that I want to touch on. I want to finish this story within the next week and then start on another story based on a corporate working antagonist.
i meant action in the first paragraph, preferably opening lines.People have too many options to be previewing a book more than 30-60 seconds.One Hustlers ambition or Pipe Dream
Good critique...let's see
When I read reviews, especially on here, the first thing I see is folks complaining about how little the characters are fleshed out. Like the gentlemen above stated, there are 1000's stories out there similar to this. For you to want to even follow Mark's story I think you got to see what separates him from similarantprotagonists. And in regards to listing so many details I had to think about the AVERAGE reader not just the hood folks who already know what a drug dealer does to prepare himself. The suburban readers have no clue what it takes to prepare for a long day of drug dealing or the inner workings of the Detroit ghetto or Compton for that matter.
The story has action in the FIRST chapter...how much sooner do you expect to have conflict
I do like your concept on a re-write though. I LITERALLY plotted it out as I was writing it. All this came out in the course of a few hours. I honestly don't know where I'm going to go to complete this but I have some strong ideas.
With Cal I think the reader gets a good picture of what type of person they dealing with without a lot of words dedicated to him.
I DO appreciate you taking your time to critique though
Thanks homie. It is appreciated
Maybe u should jot Mark down a bio. If u had a fully fleshed out character I imagine you'd be dying to tell the readers the events who made him who he was rather than his every move.
the average reader won't be your average reader & people are not totally ignorant of the activities of drug dealers due to tv/movies.
I'll read it after i can figure out if this a troll thread or not
[QUOTE="ExNat, post: 13217289, member: 18062"]i meant action in the first paragraph, preferably opening lines.People have too many options to be previewing a book more than 30-60 seconds.
Maybe u should jot Mark down a bio. If u had a fully fleshed out character I imagine you'd be dying to tell the readers the events who made him who he was rather than his every move.
the average reader won't be your average reader & people are not totally ignorant of the activities of drug dealers due to tv/movies.[/QUOTE]
Really
not sure they the audience i'm looking for. That's already the problem with the hip hop audience. I want my core audience to have the attention span past 60 seconds 
if not then fukk 'em 
Maybe u should jot Mark down a bio. If u had a fully fleshed out character I imagine you'd be dying to tell the readers the events who made him who he was rather than his every move.
the average reader won't be your average reader & people are not totally ignorant of the activities of drug dealers due to tv/movies.[/QUOTE]
Really
not sure they the audience i'm looking for. That's already the problem with the hip hop audience. I want my core audience to have the attention span past 60 seconds if not then fukk 'em I can't hate on you chasing a dream..in fact I 
you for it
But TBH
There are many disagreements in the book and it doesn't read like a "professional" novel. It reads like you are really untrained but have always been encouraged to write and no one ever told you "this is trash" so you never had to adapt. No offense at all, but there are tons of run on and comma errors but you said it hasn't been edited yet.
ex: "Kush weed, swisher sweets cigarillos, a digital scale, small baggies, disposable gloves, a razor blade and a pint of Remy VSOP." This isn't a sentence...it's a list.
There are times when you don't know how to separate the author from the character. You use words like "commonplace" and "makeshift" and then use "bytch" and "put a foot to her ass" Which is it? Is the "voice" giving us a real snapshot of the hood by using these colloquialisms or is the author an outside observer. I don't know nyggas that honestly use "commonplace" and I don't know cats who use "makeshift" that sell coke.
My first honest suggestion is to find a critic to read a ten page manuscript and rip it to shreds with their criticism. That way you can get out of your comfort zone. It seems like you've been writing this way for a while and to venture out with the idea to "write a book" that reads this way I feel like someone needs to knock you off your pedestal to make you BETTER.
I also think that you should switch from third person observer to first person. That way you can get away from agreement issues like "commonplace" in the same sentence as "his bytch Cathy". If you write "I reach under my sink for my yayo like I always do and start choppin it. I hate this part. Usually my bytch Cathy does it but I had to kick that bytch to the curb when I caught her stashing for her own habits" the tone will allow for a much more immersive experience.
you for itBut TBH
There are many disagreements in the book and it doesn't read like a "professional" novel. It reads like you are really untrained but have always been encouraged to write and no one ever told you "this is trash" so you never had to adapt. No offense at all, but there are tons of run on and comma errors but you said it hasn't been edited yet.
ex: "Kush weed, swisher sweets cigarillos, a digital scale, small baggies, disposable gloves, a razor blade and a pint of Remy VSOP." This isn't a sentence...it's a list.
There are times when you don't know how to separate the author from the character. You use words like "commonplace" and "makeshift" and then use "bytch" and "put a foot to her ass" Which is it? Is the "voice" giving us a real snapshot of the hood by using these colloquialisms or is the author an outside observer. I don't know nyggas that honestly use "commonplace" and I don't know cats who use "makeshift" that sell coke.
My first honest suggestion is to find a critic to read a ten page manuscript and rip it to shreds with their criticism. That way you can get out of your comfort zone. It seems like you've been writing this way for a while and to venture out with the idea to "write a book" that reads this way I feel like someone needs to knock you off your pedestal to make you BETTER.
I also think that you should switch from third person observer to first person. That way you can get away from agreement issues like "commonplace" in the same sentence as "his bytch Cathy". If you write "I reach under my sink for my yayo like I always do and start choppin it. I hate this part. Usually my bytch Cathy does it but I had to kick that bytch to the curb when I caught her stashing for her own habits" the tone will allow for a much more immersive experience.
For a hood book its fine. Read the cartel series when i was locked up and the writing is pretty much on par with that. But those books don't do numbers.
On the whole its below average.
You do too much telling. You're literally telling a story like you would tell your friend. People don't want to read that. You gotta throw them straight into the action. Let the back story develop on its own as the book goes on but put most of your focus on the details. Painting a vivid picture in the readers mind.
Fix your voice. The way you write is like inconsistent. One minute you're using normal words, next minute you'll throw in a more complicated word. Either way is fine but you gotta pick one and stick to it so the story flows better. If you're gonna say dilapidated and all that shyt you should type the whole story in a more formal tone. If you're gonna crack jokes and shyt the whole story should have a informal tone
Honestly writings dumb anyway
On the whole its below average.
You do too much telling. You're literally telling a story like you would tell your friend. People don't want to read that. You gotta throw them straight into the action. Let the back story develop on its own as the book goes on but put most of your focus on the details. Painting a vivid picture in the readers mind.
Fix your voice. The way you write is like inconsistent. One minute you're using normal words, next minute you'll throw in a more complicated word. Either way is fine but you gotta pick one and stick to it so the story flows better. If you're gonna say dilapidated and all that shyt you should type the whole story in a more formal tone. If you're gonna crack jokes and shyt the whole story should have a informal tone
Honestly writings dumb anyway
I can't hate on you chasing a dream..in fact I
But TBH
There are many disagreements in the book and it doesn't read like a "professional" novel. It reads like you are really untrained but have always been encouraged to write and no one ever told you "this is trash" so you never had to adapt. No offense at all, but there are tons of run on and comma errors but you said it hasn't been edited yet.
ex: "Kush weed, swisher sweets cigarillos, a digital scale, small baggies, disposable gloves, a razor blade and a pint of Remy VSOP." This isn't a sentence...it's a list.
There are times when you don't know how to separate the author from the character. You use words like "commonplace" and "makeshift" and then use "bytch" and "put a foot to her ass" Which is it? Is the "voice" giving us a real snapshot of the hood by using these colloquialisms or is the author an outside observer. I don't know nyggas that honestly use "commonplace" and I don't know cats who use "makeshift" that sell coke.
My first honest suggestion is to find a critic to read a ten page manuscript and rip it to shreds with their criticism. That way you can get out of your comfort zone. It seems like you've been writing this way for a while and to venture out with the idea to "write a book" that reads this way I feel like someone needs to knock you off your pedestal to make you BETTER.
I also think that you should switch from third person observer to first person. That way you can get away from agreement issues like "commonplace" in the same sentence as "his bytch Cathy". If you write "I reach under my sink for my yayo like I always do and start choppin it. I hate this part. Usually my bytch Cathy does it but I had to kick that bytch to the curb when I caught her stashing for her own habits" the tone will allow for a much more immersive experience.
TwistedMetal
Ruined Childhood
our coli brehs are doing big thangs
wet landscapes
ghost
there are tons and tons of books with tons of conflicting reviews. If I'm unable to get interested in the first few sentences or the first paragraph, I move on. It's like getting a first impression of the voice of the writer, imoReally
TwistedMetal
Ruined Childhood
Beegio
You ni66as don't exist we eat filet mignon
Breh, listen to some of these nikkas giving critique, especially on the first person/third person tip, and formal or informal dialogue. Personally, I think a first person pov for a story like this would flow better.
You ask for feedback...
I give you feedback....
you give me
you said it was unedited and I gave you real feedback...what didn't you understand?nevermind breh... it's a masterpiece
