My novel. Updates on 1st and 3rd pages

The M.I.C.

The M.I.C.

The King In The West đź‘‘
Supporter
Joined
Dec 2, 2015
Messages
25,043
Reputation
14,858
Daps
106,352
Reppin
Charlotte - Washington D.C.
The Hierophant said:
“Dinner’s almost ready, so we can talk for a few minutes.” She pulled me to the side to get a better look at Téa. “Hello, I’m Marcus’ mother Josephine, you must be Téa.” She spread her arms for a hug and Téa obliged. Although Téa was taller than my mother was, mom was wider than she was.
Click to expand...

I would expand on this with detail or remove it.. It feels like an empty statement.

Very good all in all.

If I'm able to immediately follow along and create detailed scenes in my mind by the dialogue smoothly then you've garnered my attention, if the same writing creates a sense of believability in the characters and the story consistently throughout then you've garnered my wallet as a fan along with myself.
 
Neuromancer

Neuromancer

Son of the Robot
Supporter
Joined
Oct 16, 2015
Messages
77,609
Reputation
14,988
Daps
186,984
Reppin
A Villa Straylight.
The M.I.C. said:
I would expand on this with detail or remove it.. It feels like an empty statement.

Very good all in all.

If I'm able to immediately follow along and create detailed scenes in my mind by the dialogue smoothly then you've garnered my attention, if the same writing creates a sense of believability in the characters and the story consistently throughout then you've garnered my wallet as a fan along with myself.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the input. It is a pretty superfluous line. Will remove.
 
Claudex

Claudex

Lord have mercy!
Supporter
Joined
Apr 30, 2014
Messages
6,180
Reputation
3,718
Daps
18,507
Reppin
Motherland
The Hierophant said:
I noticed that her hair was wrapped up and asked if she was cultivating locks, like I was. She smiled looked up at me and said “Don’t you know it’s not nice to ask a black woman about her hair.” Of course, I knew and in an attempt to cover my mistake I remarked, “We could talk about other things.” This set her laughing, and she replied “Ok why are you the only guy at the bar drinking, a cranberry and ginger ale, don’t you think that’s soft?” She looked at me with a smirk, she was waiting for me to defend my masculinity, I suppose if I did It’d prove I was insecure, so I answered honestly. “I don’t like the lack of control alcohol breeds.” She looked at me for a second and then smiled, “Nice answer.”
Brehettes...as a black man I can't ask about the hair either? :jbhmm: I understand everybody else non-black, but me too? :what:

I looked up at her with all the moroseness my eyes could muster and I felt tears well up, tears for my grand father, tears for my family and tears for my own life as I knew it, which would very soon end. Lost to something that took away so many of the Ripley line, a life that made us exceptional and at the same time so very outcast. I thought about what this would mean for the future Téa and I planned to build and I wept, they said that fate was a cruel mistress, but magic was even crueler and she had decided my time had come…to lay down my life for a cause so old it didn’t have a singular name. “My grandfather died…uh…. the funeral is next week… in New York.” I must’ve sounded like a kid who skinned his knee for the first time.
Click to expand...

I like the story, just the little bit you posted kept me engaged and I appreciate that.

The part about the crying on her lap about her grandfather...something felt off. But maybe that's because I don't know how much the grandfather meant for the character breh.:manny:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top