Thanks. I actually have 9 chapters written. But I'm adding and subtracting things. Like intro. Thank you again.
My novel. Updates on 1st and 3rd pages
- Thread starter Neuromancer
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BocaRear
The World Is My Country, To Do Good Is My Religion
Orwell's six tips are always something that I keep in mind when writing. It helps to make your sentence as clean as possible so that readers can easily follow. I'd personally say rule number 2 and 3 are the most important rules.
In regards to your introduction, I quite liked it breh though I do think it could be made easier to follow
In regards to your introduction, I quite liked it breh though I do think it could be made easier to follow
So update I'm gonna rewrite the novel.Cut out the intro and make it more human.
Turk
Young, Gifted, and Black
Formerly Black Trash
Philosopher, Connoisseur, Future Legend
I think u repeat stoey too much in it
Stoey?
I'm torn a co-worker (sista who reads high fantasy)said the intro makes her want to read the story. what should I do brehs
Super TD Jakes
Banned
Last edited:
TheDarkCloud
Superstar
Keep us posted when it's out. I'll support a brotha. As far as the intro, I didn't see a problem with it.
UWasntThere
Superstar
I don't know if Morgan Freeman read it then maybe
Big Brown Areola
Young Soul
Not bad, a bit too long in my opinion.
What's the story about?
What's the story about?
Super TD Jakes
Banned
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Approved, Lord. 
“Oh baby, I’m sorry.” She pulled me close to her and we rocked. “What day is the funeral?”
“N-next…uh… Monday.” I tried to regain my composure, she didn’t know the real reason I cried and that made it all the harder.
“Well then we’d better get something to wear.” She held me closely and I did the same.
That week we went and purchased clothes fit for a funeral and on Friday, we flew into JFK airport, where my aunt Marie and my cousin Ebony picked us up.
“How was your flight, not too bad I hope?” Aunt Marie was always light hearted in spite of everything; I suppose my grandparents trained their children for things like this.
“Yeah it wasn’t too bad.” I said somberly.
Ebony turned back in the passenger’s seat of my Aunts SUV. “So Téa how long have you and Marcus been together?” Her face was calmer than I expected.
“We met about a year and six months ago, in our senior year.” She smiled.
“Has Marcus told you much about us?” Ebony looked at me and I shot her daggers.
“No not much just that his father left him when he was young and that his older brother passed away.” Téa looked down and rubbed my hand.
The look on my face must have said don’t you dare to Ebony because she said nothing else except, “that’s right.” She turned into her seat and sat back. I put my head on Téa’s shoulder and she held it there with her hand. I must have seemed so weak at that time, but honestly, I didn’t care.
The first stop we made was to my old home in Crown Heights Brooklyn right across the street from Windom High school. Before I could knock on the door, it opened. Behind it, my mother all 5’1 of her waited to welcome Téa and I in. The house smelled warm and inviting, permeated with the aroma of food cooking.
“Dinner’s almost ready, so we can talk for a few minutes.” She pulled me to the side to get a better look at Téa. “Hello, I’m Marcus’ mother Josephine, you must be Téa.” She spread her arms for a hug and Téa obliged. Although Téa was taller than my mother was, mom was wider than she was.
When dinner was ready we sat at the table, talked and ate, my mom had cooked something of a soul food, Caribbean feast. Meaning She only had fish, rice and some collard greens and I had the same.
I turned to my mother who was watching us and smiling. “So, are you coming to the funeral?” I sighed.
“He was my father-in-law, he’s helped me out, just because your father isn’t here doesn’t void our relationship.” She looked at me with thoughtful eyes.
Téa put down her fork. “Excuse me where’s the bathroom?”
“It’s upstairs at the end of the hall sweetie.” My mother motioned toward the stairs.
“Thank you.” Téa sat up, pushed her chair in, and walked up the stairs.
I waited till she was out of earshot. “Mom, I think they want me to…”
“I’m moving to Florida.” She cut me off, there was a certain finality in her voice, something that said, I know what this means and it’s your life.
“I…Ok, Well that’s good you do like the sun and the beach.” I laughed weakly.
She stared at me from across the table and in that, instant we shared the same dread. The same gnawing fear, the fear of what had shattered my family irrevocably, which had caused my father to leave and stolen my older brother, Magic a damnable consort of destiny, the forces of the universe wielded by men on behalf of Gods under the banner the all mother. Creation. I had tried for so long to escape this fate, to put it on the back burner. But I knew it wouldn’t be ignored, there is a price for everyone to pay when old powers are invoked for the betterment of others. My mother wanted no part of this, and even though I didn’t either, she didn’t deserve any part. She married into the clan Ripley and wasn’t supposed to share the burden because now, I, her last child was about to be taken by it. I reached my hand across the table and grabbed hers.
“It won’t take me, I may be duty bound by some, damned spirit oath but It won’t take me away I promise.”
She exhaled heavily and then put her other hand on top of mine. “Don’t promise me baby. Promise her.” She motioned just as we heard footsteps begin to descend the stairs.
When Téa came down, she looked at us inquisitively. “Everything alright?”
“Yes, I was just telling Marcus that he better hold on to and not drive you away.” She shot me a glance that said I mean it.
“Awww, thank you Mrs. Ripley.” She sat back down and we continued to eat.
That night Téa and I stayed in my old room down the hall from my mothers.
“So does your mom like me?” Téa inquired as she slipped into a pair of old boxer shorts and a t-shirt.
“Of course she does.” I was taking off my shirt and preparing to share my old full sized bed.
“I’m glad.” She hit the bed like a weight. “Cause I was so nervous.”
“You didn’t show it.” I smiled climbing into bed.
“Well I try not to show everything, but I will show you something tonight.” She pulled me on top of her and we began to kiss.
“Aren’t you worried, my mom's down the hall?” I asked between kisses. “And you are kinda loud.
“Well maybe if you wouldn’t go in so hard, I wouldn’t be.” She pulled me closer.
“If I didn’t go in so hard it wouldn’t be fun.” I smiled.
“Good point, I’ll think of something.” She reached for a pillow. “This’ll do I guess
“N-next…uh… Monday.” I tried to regain my composure, she didn’t know the real reason I cried and that made it all the harder.
“Well then we’d better get something to wear.” She held me closely and I did the same.
That week we went and purchased clothes fit for a funeral and on Friday, we flew into JFK airport, where my aunt Marie and my cousin Ebony picked us up.
“How was your flight, not too bad I hope?” Aunt Marie was always light hearted in spite of everything; I suppose my grandparents trained their children for things like this.
“Yeah it wasn’t too bad.” I said somberly.
Ebony turned back in the passenger’s seat of my Aunts SUV. “So Téa how long have you and Marcus been together?” Her face was calmer than I expected.
“We met about a year and six months ago, in our senior year.” She smiled.
“Has Marcus told you much about us?” Ebony looked at me and I shot her daggers.
“No not much just that his father left him when he was young and that his older brother passed away.” Téa looked down and rubbed my hand.
The look on my face must have said don’t you dare to Ebony because she said nothing else except, “that’s right.” She turned into her seat and sat back. I put my head on Téa’s shoulder and she held it there with her hand. I must have seemed so weak at that time, but honestly, I didn’t care.
The first stop we made was to my old home in Crown Heights Brooklyn right across the street from Windom High school. Before I could knock on the door, it opened. Behind it, my mother all 5’1 of her waited to welcome Téa and I in. The house smelled warm and inviting, permeated with the aroma of food cooking.
“Dinner’s almost ready, so we can talk for a few minutes.” She pulled me to the side to get a better look at Téa. “Hello, I’m Marcus’ mother Josephine, you must be Téa.” She spread her arms for a hug and Téa obliged. Although Téa was taller than my mother was, mom was wider than she was.
When dinner was ready we sat at the table, talked and ate, my mom had cooked something of a soul food, Caribbean feast. Meaning She only had fish, rice and some collard greens and I had the same.
I turned to my mother who was watching us and smiling. “So, are you coming to the funeral?” I sighed.
“He was my father-in-law, he’s helped me out, just because your father isn’t here doesn’t void our relationship.” She looked at me with thoughtful eyes.
Téa put down her fork. “Excuse me where’s the bathroom?”
“It’s upstairs at the end of the hall sweetie.” My mother motioned toward the stairs.
“Thank you.” Téa sat up, pushed her chair in, and walked up the stairs.
I waited till she was out of earshot. “Mom, I think they want me to…”
“I’m moving to Florida.” She cut me off, there was a certain finality in her voice, something that said, I know what this means and it’s your life.
“I…Ok, Well that’s good you do like the sun and the beach.” I laughed weakly.
She stared at me from across the table and in that, instant we shared the same dread. The same gnawing fear, the fear of what had shattered my family irrevocably, which had caused my father to leave and stolen my older brother, Magic a damnable consort of destiny, the forces of the universe wielded by men on behalf of Gods under the banner the all mother. Creation. I had tried for so long to escape this fate, to put it on the back burner. But I knew it wouldn’t be ignored, there is a price for everyone to pay when old powers are invoked for the betterment of others. My mother wanted no part of this, and even though I didn’t either, she didn’t deserve any part. She married into the clan Ripley and wasn’t supposed to share the burden because now, I, her last child was about to be taken by it. I reached my hand across the table and grabbed hers.
“It won’t take me, I may be duty bound by some, damned spirit oath but It won’t take me away I promise.”
She exhaled heavily and then put her other hand on top of mine. “Don’t promise me baby. Promise her.” She motioned just as we heard footsteps begin to descend the stairs.
When Téa came down, she looked at us inquisitively. “Everything alright?”
“Yes, I was just telling Marcus that he better hold on to and not drive you away.” She shot me a glance that said I mean it.
“Awww, thank you Mrs. Ripley.” She sat back down and we continued to eat.
That night Téa and I stayed in my old room down the hall from my mothers.
“So does your mom like me?” Téa inquired as she slipped into a pair of old boxer shorts and a t-shirt.
“Of course she does.” I was taking off my shirt and preparing to share my old full sized bed.
“I’m glad.” She hit the bed like a weight. “Cause I was so nervous.”
“You didn’t show it.” I smiled climbing into bed.
“Well I try not to show everything, but I will show you something tonight.” She pulled me on top of her and we began to kiss.
“Aren’t you worried, my mom's down the hall?” I asked between kisses. “And you are kinda loud.
“Well maybe if you wouldn’t go in so hard, I wouldn’t be.” She pulled me closer.
“If I didn’t go in so hard it wouldn’t be fun.” I smiled.
“Good point, I’ll think of something.” She reached for a pillow. “This’ll do I guess
Thanks, Lord.Approved, Lord.
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