Ok I just sent it through, I look forward to your review!
Okay, after going over the pdf in its entirety here are my conclusions.
I'm not going to cover things like spelling, formatting or other things of that nature because those are not problems really, they can be fixed by simply doing another draft or having an editor look it over. Not a big deal.
Same for the pictures. Get high quality pics (png or another lossless format, not jpgs or other compressed pics) and downscale the resolution to fit your size requirements, never blow up or stretch smaller pics cause you end up with a blurry final product, but these are quick fixes. Not concerns. That doesn't mean they can be overlooked... you absolutely have to do those things, like one of your charts is cut off in the pdf (page 4). Just double check all that.
The key issue I see is that throughout the 10 page packet there is no step by step walkthrough on how you intend to make any money, let alone me as an investor looking at it.
You focus heavily on outlining the need for the company and the potential marketshare the company could have, the demographics of basketball, etc... but assuming you convince me you have a 100% marketshare you still haven't explained how anyone is making any money.
There is a time to be vague, but the business plan is not that time. It is your guideline (and in the model you are using as a partner driven business, the guide for potential investors or partners) so it should explain step by step what you are doing.
What you give me instead is the synopsis. You basically have here the movie jacket telling people why they should rent or buy the movie, but this isn't aimed at your consumers, its aimed at you and your business partners so the movie jacket is meaningless to us, we need the script and camera directions.
Although presented nicely, of your 10 pages, there is maybe half a page total that is useful from a business perspective.
I need to know (and you do also) how much money is needed... Why, as in what that money goes to...
Who that money is coming from... When they will see that money again... How, as in who is buying or frequenting this product/service...
What these projections are based on... What contingencies are in place should this all fall through...
These are the sort of tangibles that will outline your idea into an actual business model.
Right now you have 5 pages explaining summer is hot, 3 pages explaining people like snowcones and 2 pages about why the snowcone market is racist.
But you are missing the most important page which would look like this:
1 bag of ice is $2.50
We need to raise $25 for the 10 bags of ice neccessary to make 100 snowcones.
By selling snowcones at $1 a piece we will make $100. The first 25 will go back to the suppliers of the ice. The next 15 goes back to me for fronting the flavoring, then the remaining $60 profit will be split evenly between all involved partties. The reason this is a supperior partnership over possible compettetors is that I am partnered with a utensil company so we have no overhead for spoons and napkins.
Now in this example, that last line is crucial. Not only have I demonstrated the step by step to how my (nd your) money comes back, but I have made the offer proprietary. Having a good idea is almost pointless ot you cannot make yourself an integral part of that idea. Otherwise a person might get the idea to simply make snowcones without you. The idea is good, but what do you bring?
Think of it like this. If your business was up and running and successful, and you went into a coma today, your wife or kid should be able to at least be able to stumble through the overall opperations of your company with a copy of your business plan. If they can't do that, it is missing key information.
Use that as a guide. And don't rush it. It might take numerous revisions over weeks to perfect.
And get input from others. Because you'll know its ready when
no one has anything to say about it.