Dear Single, Black, Female Professional,
I dig the fact that you're doing your thing on the whole account management tip, but there's no need to turn every inquiry about what I'm doing into a pissing contest. If you ask me "What did you do this week?" and I respond "I closed over $30k in new business in one week!" Just say something like "Good for you!" or "Awesome!" You know, nice shyt to say when your friends are in a celebratory mood.
"That's all?" is the least cool thing you can say to a dude that just told you that. No need to start going on and on about how you set an appointment for some other motherfukker on a thrillion dollar account that you have no ownership of. What the hell? Look, if you had a bad week at your glorified secretary gig we can talk about it and I'll do my best to put your mind at ease
or hell, I can do better and put you onto some better opportunities. shytting all over my week isn't going to make yours any better.
Oh, and the whole yelling to have a conversation thing is such a turn off. You're lucky I waited until you left to the bathroom before I bounced because I just wanted to splash you in the face with my drink and dip out in the middle of your last diatribe.
I hate that everything they say about you is obnoxiously true. I really do. It's embarassing to be associated with your bullsh!t. Learn how to chill out and just be happy about existence. Not every interaction needs to be a conflict. It could be cool having a Michelle Obama type on deck but it seems like
from the things that you tell me you value and the venues that you choose to attend and brag about that you're into really petty, superficial shyt and having pointless pissing matches with dudes that trigger insane amounts of insecurity in you.
It would be great if we could link up and build each other up as we go through the struggle together but all you want to do is compare me to the various drug dealers and athletes you messed with back in high school and college. You know what? If your drug dealer ex-boyfriend is such a baller then have him come throgh and buy your next round of whatever rapper sponsored, over priced, Kool-Aide+vodka schlop your ilk is into this month.
You're insufferable. Undatable. You're going to die alone if you keep this shyt up. I'm doing Sunday brunch with a not-black chick that not only looks better than you, but more importantly she's also far better behaved than you, too.
Signed,
Single, Black, Male Professional
Options Haver