Byke with another story that no one's going to read
That was a nice read bruh
LIKES
WELL STRUCTURED WORLD DESCRIPTION - This may seem odd but the fact that you moved through the description from the wider context down to the individual left no room for confusion.
I.E. you worked your way down to the specifics
1st-(day & date, location, conditions[weather], character, character thoughts, character history)
-last
This is helpful to me because when you do it backwards I have no context for what the character is doing or thinking. Matter a fact another short story back on page 50-60 or something was a good example of that confusion.
It was an interesting story that took place on another planet but because that wasn't made immediately clear I thought he was a (firefighter, spaceship astronaut, extraplanetary solder, etc) at different times in the story because the context of where all this was taking place wasn't clearly laid out. You dodged all of that here which made it very easy to slip into reading.
INTERESTING LOCALE - While Nephilim(half angel half human) stories go back a ways; the Nepal village setting and ethnicity of the characters means I have little base for assumption(which could be bad or good depending on the reader)
As a result I'm interested in each sentence without immediately assuming I know what will happen next. That lack of assumption also means I'm open to almost whatever happens next.
SUCCINCT - It quickly shows us where this all takes place, who are the players, what's at stake, and drops an opening cliff hanger in a nice quick lil package. There isn't a lot of(if any) fluff or down time here, it gets straight to the point while not glossing over the necessary info to understand it all.
DISLIKES
ONE RUFF TRANSITION - Binsa is being described then the story begins to detail her family, friends, and husband situation for 5 paragraphs ....fine no probs. But when it picks back up with Binsa at the shed the connection was lost for me on if that moment had anything to do with anything immediately before. It might as well had been a week or month after anything stated before.
If not for her concern for her animals, Binsa would've chosen to remain indoors. There was no other reason to be outside in this God-forsaken weather. Aside from her soon-to-be-born son and her husband, her livestock was her heartbeat. For generations, her family had been humble farmers. During the summers, they would farm, and in the winters, they would use their livestock to sell wool, fur, and other commodities.
......
5 paragraphs
......
Thoughts of her husband were fresh on her mind as Binsa finally approached the large shed that housed their livestock. Hartaj would've been furious to see his pregnant wife outside in this weather. Binsa was bundled in multiple sets of jackets, and the cold was still slipping through her layers of clothing. All she wanted to do was to make a quick headcount of her livestock, and then she would return to her house, hopefully before Hartaj returned home from his grocery run.
There needs to be something that overtly connects her approaching the shed to the events 5 paragraphs prior. The timeline of events are essentially cut by those 5 paragraphs.
ONE REDUNDANCY - It says they had been fiends eons ago but the nature of their relationship seems to be well described by the surrounding dialog. The very next line essentially restates the same thing.
"Please, brother, no, it's not like that at all!" Hartaj pleaded as slowly walked towards Shalgiel. They had once been friends, but that was eons ago.
"Brother? You dare call me that? You lost the right to call me that word when you betrayed the Alpha and Omega and gave into the callings of the flesh." Disgust oozed from Shalgiel's words. As Angels Shalgiel and Bariel both knew what their most sacred law was, and Bariel had broken it.
...It felt redundant. Anything that added could've just been added in the dialog itself.
EXAMPLE:
"
Brother? You dare call me that? You lost the right to call me that word
eons ago when you betrayed the Alpha and Omega and gave into the callings of the flesh."
CONCLUSION:
Overall I like the prolog. It sets up the characters, relations, locations, and events just fine.
In regards to the "dislikes" section remember there is a difference between like/dislike and the actual weight ascribed to any given mention.
example - while I felt one half a line was redundant, the weight of that "REDUNDANCY" is relatively minor in the grand scheme of things. On the other hand the "WELL STRUCTURED WORLD DESCRIPTION" is weighted extremely high because it effects the interpretation of everything read subsequently.
BTW....I read your stories bruh
though I haven't read chapter two of the previous one posted yet, I admit
Keep pushing, I try to support when I can!
(Feedback, Encouragement, and Collaboration are actually the the main reasons I made this thread ...F.E.C.)
funny thing about the that the comedy comes from the black character which is kinda like the main guy we see his thoughts in this crazy situation. Like a guy who's conscious of the horror movie...
