Anybody Else Feel Dead Inside?

[Klaus Schwab]

Basic porn just doesnt cut it anymore, so I seek out the the more vile and venomous parts of human sexuality that keep me satiated

 

[Eza]

Some people are truly living life and going through it. Wouldn’t you prefer someone come here to get things off their chest and seek advice/help here and there rather than us getting a RIP thread and details about this man suiciding and possibly snapping, taking the kids with him ?

Y’all be insensitive asf on here man Lmaoo.

man fukk that, nikkas signing up for forums crying to nikkas they don't know..

if this was a nikka who done been around, it'd make SOME kind of sense...imagine opening your heart and expressing your most inner feelings to some nikkas you met 2 months ago?

weird as fukk!!

 

[Rocket Scientist]

If cats on here knew what I went thru past couple of years. Everybody talks that reach out to someone bullshyt but when u do they disappear. Some stuff you have to take to God and keep within.

 

[Hathaway]

If you have health insurance you should look into getting a therapist asap. Talking about these issues here or with close friends will NOT suffice.

I do and I've been to therapy. I did it for 4 months before my work schedule changed. It wasn't necessarily helpful in terms of problem solving but it was good to get things off of my chest.

@The Coolest Negro

Tell us more about this job you hate
I recommend you try to get more sunlight when possible, natural vitamin D is very good for us.

I work in the food industry. And me nd my kids get out to the park weekly.

Can you go back to school to get a career you’ll enjoy?

I was in school but now I have to pay back a bit on loans before I can resume degree, unfortunately.

 

[WaveMolecules]

Alcohol

 

[Sad Bunny]

I do and I've been to therapy. I did it for 4 months before my work schedule changed. It wasn't necessarily helpful in terms of problem solving but it was good to get things off of my chest.

I work in the food industry. And me nd my kids get out to the park weekly.

I was in school but now I have to pay back a bit on loans before I can resume degree, unfortunately.

Get two jobs and hustle hard. Get a therapist bro.

 

[Roid Jones]

Please speak to a professional OP

 

[Starburst]

If you have health insurance you should look into getting a therapist asap. Talking about these issues here or with close friends will NOT suffice.

I agree. There will always be the fear of judgement when opening up to friends and relatives.

 

[Fill Collins]

A couple months ago, an old friend hit me up and eventually asked me, "what's new?"

Basic small talk, we all know what open ended answer to give but in that moment, I honest to god had to think for a few seconds and ended up telling dude, "Nothing, I'm just here".

It's less of a dead feeling and more of a, "I'm just a person, I'm gonna work, get old and die" realization. It isn't comforting, it isn't scary, it's just unpleasant?

I feel like a background character in a shytty sitcom and I'm just here to take up space. Thing is, I know what I want to do in life, I'm taking the steps to do that, I got hobbies but it doesn't really feel like anything.

They seriously need to ban all ya'll new depressed, suicidal muthafukkas from off this site.

Ya'll waited ALL this time to be able to post on here, just to come on this bytch crying about your fukking life....There's specific forums for this kind of shyt, but you nikkas want the "it's gone be alright breh hang in there" love...

This shyt mad corny..I'm sorry...

What other forum is full of regular Black folk?

 

[Fill Collins]

And like other posters said, this isn't a place conductive to venting

 

[mbewane]

Rant incoming.

Mental exhaustion. We are really struggling out here. Life is far too short man. Having to work a job I absolutely hate in order to provide even though you know deep down there's more to your brief existence than this. You just struggle trying to juggle your responsibilities and your ambitions.

I had a dark moment back in April. My emotions began to eat away at me. I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I got up out of bed around 3 am, kissed my wife and kids as they slept and left. I drove to a park with thoughts of killing myself. Suicide is something I've always thought about but never had the courage to follow through. But this night was different. I felt no fear or emotion. I felt empty. Like I didn't care anymore. Trying to stay sane, I actually called the suicide hotline and when the guy answered, I couldn't even speak. He just opened up and said, "what's going on, friend?" and I just broke down.

We talked for about 40 minutes and I was reminded of my children. My 2 boys and how they need their father. I thought about my fatherless upbringing and how much it hurt not having him around. I could never abandon my wife & kids. Not like that. I returned home and continued my mundane existence, only finding fleeting moments of joy through my family. I'm forever fortunate for my children and wife. I love them so much. My wife doesn't know about that night and she never will.

I talk to her about my feelings all the time. Well, I used to. My feelings are difficult to comprehend and I saw that it was weighing on her because there was nothing she could do to help. She wants to solve all of my problems. But she cannot and it hurts her. So I no longer burden her with these things. I suffer in silence as a man in my position should do. I never want my wife to see me vulnerable like that. She depends on me to be strong and present and I will be that for her even if on the inside, I'm crumbling.

These days, I drown my sorrows in aimless pursuits of pleasure. Porn, masturbation, occasional alcohol. A man has to cope somehow. I have to be stimulated somehow. Addictions are tough but they actually work in my favor as the release of dopamine soothes me and keeps me going. That euphoric feeling eases the pain but never long enough so I'm always seeking that feeling. I'm always seeking stonger releases. Basic porn just doesnt cut it anymore, so I seek out the the more vile and venomous parts of human sexuality that keep me satiated. I disgust myself sometimes, but I can't help who I am at this point. (no, not anything illegal nikka)

I'm so tired of living like this but I'm making due as best I can. I'm trying to find better ways of coping. Believe it or not, expressing myself on here helps. Even though I know nikkas will poke fun and criticize my "dear diary dissertations". It's all good.

You did the right thing by calling that hotline breh, you can already thank yourself for that. I don't really know what to add to the other advice that has been given but really you should consider finding a therapist or at least some groupe in which you can talk about all this. It's on you to see if you want to share with your wife but I feel that not sharing with her might end up forcing you to bottle up even more. It's normal that she wants to help and can be frustrating for her that she doesn't know how to, but that's why you need a pro. Try to find a hobby or a physical activity that makes you feel good/refreshed. Maybe just walking, even better if you have some nature nearby. I'm going through it right now myself so I sympathize.

 

[jaydawg08]

I relate to this post, my dad committed suicide when I was a teenager and I always thought how selfish it was for him to do that.... And I still believe that in a way, he had other outs

But as I get older, I learn more about being an adult.. what he went through, the trauma, and just being rough out there.. I get it.

I've thought about it the same a handful of times. I was pretty close when I was homeless and couch surfing and had like $60 to my name. I had some left over antifreeze and planned on drinking that chit (that's how my dad passed also). But like you I just stopped, thought about my family and friends, and parked in a parking lot and cried my eyes out for hours.

Just know that it eventually gets easier brah. The one thing that kept me off that ledge was knowing "my life could be totally different than what it is in 6months"

 

[Jasonmask]

Not anymore. Been through it enough in life just to go w the flow. If you don’t feel something is right in your life then change it or remove even if it’s scary but change isn’t supposed to be easy

 

[LadyJ2]

Get professional help. Now.

 

[Ezekiel 25:17]

I do and I've been to therapy. I did it for 4 months before my work schedule changed. It wasn't necessarily helpful in terms of problem solving but it was good to get things off of my chest.

I work in the food industry. And me nd my kids get out to the park weekly.

I was in school but now I have to pay back a bit on loans before I can resume degree, unfortunately.

Going to the park weekly doesn't mean a damn thing, especially black people because our skin doesn't absorb sun as good. You need to get blood drawn for vitamin D. Get all your vitamins checked. At least to be on the safe side. I've read Reddit posts of people taking vitamin D and their depression leaving. There's millions of people working shyt jobs and a lot of em are nowhere near depression.

Quit the porn. Quit the masterbating. Starting hitting the gym or better yet, running outdoors.