What yall think of this essay I wrote for UT?

[newarkhiphop]

I'm from dallas. I have family in california. I remember once I was arguing with my cousin who lives in cali, over this exact same topic. She claimed there were marches and rallies going on all the time over there against black on black crime. I asked her to show me even one of em and she couldn't do it lol.

am from newark,nj they happen all the time here

( thats amiri baraka )

this is from one just organization btw

not saying these marches do anything per se but they do happen, at least in my old city

 

[714562]

Some syntax errors and ambiguities you might want to fix.

When we speak of unique experiences as an African-American, it is not always something very positive.

Who is "we?" We the black community? We, the people reading this paper? Or just you?

Also, what is "it?" Are you referring to the experiences? Because that's plural, so it's they.

For instance racial discrimination and prejudice against minorities is pervasive in nearly all institutions even though we aren’t living in the same atmosphere as it was in the 1950’s

Again, what is "it?" What "it" are you referring to?

However it is the progress through these trials and tribulations that shape us into who we are today.

Grammar error. It should read, "The progress that SHAPES us." Progress is singular. Honestly, I would get rid of the word progress completely and just say that the trial and tribulations are what shape you.

And part of this progress in striving for upward mobility involves discussing what we can do for ourselves, rather than what others can do for us.

I would get rid of "in upward mobility."

One thing I’ll always remember though is what she would say as I turned the radio from one station to the next.

Get rid of "though."

Whenever I’d settle with a rock radio station she would very bluntly ask, “Why do you listen to ‘white people’ music?” Similarly, if I ever told her about a girl I was talking to, she would immediately ask if she was black or white, and express disapproval if she wasn’t black.

Too much use of the word "she." Makes it ambiguous whether the "she" is the girl or the mother.

While working as a substitute teacher in Dallas schools she experienced a diverse demographic of students which varied from one school to another.

Again, ambiguous she. Is the she your mother now?

We have pride in our heritage and pride in our people, but we understand there’s a lot of room for improvement in the black community.

Who is we?

Due to high poverty rates, the ongoing legacy of slavery, and numerous other factors, blacks have lower life chances than non-blacks.

I have no idea what a "life-chance" is, and how it can be "lower." Use more specific terminology.

Across nearly every metric of societal standards blacks rank at the bottom of the barrel.

Consider revising for stylistic reasons. Saying that something is a metric of a standard is probably duplicative.Also, bottom of the barrel is kind of corny.

Whether it’s high school or college drop out rates, STD rates, out-of-wedlock pregnancy rates, violent crime rates, unemployment rates, we obviously have a lot of problems within our community.

Who. Is. WE?

It will almost certainly take a revolution however because part of the problem lies in the attitudes and behaviors we foster from the degenerate culture we live in.

Stylistically awkward. "foster an attitude from a culture. "

I Of course, that’s only a minority of blacks, but that minority accounts for a grossly overrepresentation of murder victims in this country.

I'm confused. Is the minority you're referring to the victims or the killers? Also, it should be gross over-representation.

Now the adults engaging in this kind of buffoonery on a day-to-day base are, for the most part, unreachable.

Basis, not base.

A big reason why many of us have a hard time trusting the path to success by the way of college is because it’s often associated with something white people do, as opposed to what we do.

"by the way" is incorrect.

There is just something obviously wrong with telling proper speaking black people that they're not black. It's as if, if you're a true black person you can't sound too educated.

Get rid of "just."

At either rate, the main point is we need to understand the history of this country and the world if we want to predict the future, since it will be on the basis of what has happened in the past.

At ANY rate, not either rate.

The main point is THAT we need to understand . . .

"Predict" is not the proper word. Black people do not aspire to be psychics.

Even the seemingly simplest of objects, like the shape of a jar of peanut butter, is based on calculus.

Awkward placement of "seemingly."

In a hundred years from now, everyone on this planet will be dead; and thus the next generation will inherit the earth.

Uhm, no. NOT everyone on this planet will be dead. Because your very next sentence says so.

I sincerely hope that the next generation of African-Americans will have a more equitable piece of the pie than what we share right now. Fortunately, this path to success starts with me working as an engineer and speaking directly to the community, in which I have the potential to inspire others to be all they can be.

Engineer? That's what all of this gets at? I would say you need to link everything you just talked about to the engineering profession WAY more.

 

[Takerstani]

Just acknowledging that I read it.

 

[tmonster]

I don't have that good of a relationship with my father. But for the record I was actually raised by my father, not my mother.


Brother you can't be so easily fooled by statistics like this. You gotta think outside the box to easily see why this is a falsehood.

Notice that they are looking at only a specific segment of the black population. Black families with fathers in the home vs white families with fathers in the home. So between those two groups, yes the black fathers are just as involved as white fathers.

However the problem is that so few black families have fathers in the home in the first place. The out of wedlock birthrate among blacks is over 70%. This study completely ignores that part.

Understanding Out-of-Wedlock Births in Black America - Ta-Nehisi Coates - The Atlantic

 

[LordTaskForce]

Uhm, no. NOT everyone on this planet will be dead. Because your very next sentence says so.

He should clarify that. But yes everyone who is on this planet today will be dead in 100 years. I think that's what he was getting at

 

[714562]

He should clarify that. But yes everyone who is on this planet today will be dead in 100 years. I think that's what he was getting at

I know what he was trying to say. But he didn't say it.

 

[you're NOT "n!ggas"]

I'm from dallas. I have family in california. I remember once I was arguing with my cousin who lives in cali, over this exact same topic. She claimed there were marches and rallies going on all the time over there against black on black crime. I asked her to show me even one of em and she couldn't do it lol.

Ironically, I know why the hell are you trying to go to UT of all places? If anything, your ass belongs at A&M, Baylor or SMU. You'd fit in just fine in one of them. Don't to fukk around and hate college.

 

[bigDeeOT]

am from newark,nj they happen all the time here

( thats amiri baraka )

this is from one just organization btw

not saying these marches do anything per se but they do happen, at least in my old city

Justice for trayvon? These aren't calls for the black community to do anything. These are rallies over what the white man has done to the black man. Look also at the picture of the black guy trying to "stand tall" to the white police officer. And the sign saying justice for Amar Mclean. Those marches are about the white man vs the black man.

 

[bigDeeOT]

Who is "we?" We the black community? We, the people reading this paper? Or just you?

People in general. I'm not sure how I should clarify that.

Also, what is "it?" Are you referring to the experiences? Because that's plural, so it's they.

Oh yeah, right. How should I fix that?

When we speak of unique experiences as an African-American they are often discussed in a negative context.

Again, what is "it?" What "it" are you referring to?

The atmosphere

Grammar error. It should read, "The progress that SHAPES us." Progress is singular. Honestly, I would get rid of the word progress completely and just say that the trial and tribulations are what shape you.

Yeah

I would get rid of "in upward mobility."

hmmmm

Get rid of "though."

Yeah I think that flows better if I get rid of it

Too much use of the word "she." Makes it ambiguous whether the "she" is the girl or the mother.

Yeah I realized that but I wasn't sure how to fix it without making it too wordy. I just hoped the reader would understand.

Again, ambiguous she. Is the she your mother now?

Yeah I could probably fix that.

Who is we?

Me and my mother

I have no idea what a "life-chance" is, and how it can be "lower." Use more specific terminology.

It's a term used in sociology.

Life chances - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Consider revising for stylistic reasons. Saying that something is a metric of a standard is probably duplicative.Also, bottom of the barrel is kind of corny.

Yeah lol

Who. Is. WE?

Black people. I'm not sure how to change that.

Stylistically awkward. "foster an attitude from a culture. "

hmm

I'm confused. Is the minority you're referring to the victims or the killers?

Either or, but I understand it'd be easier to read if I said murderers.

Basis, not base.

Oh ok.

"by the way" is incorrect.

How to fix?

Get rid of "just."

Oh ok

At ANY rate, not either rate.

The main point is THAT we need to understand . . .

Yeah

Awkward placement of "seemingly."

Really?

Uhm, no. NOT everyone on this planet will be dead. Because your very next sentence says so.

lol I just thought it sounded cool

Engineer? That's what all of this gets at? I would say you need to link everything you just talked about to the engineering profession WAY more.

There was two essays for UT. I talk more about being an engineer in another essay.

 

[bigDeeOT]

Thanks for going over everything by the way, appreciate it.

At this point I've already sent in the essays and received my acceptance but the corrections will be good to know for future reference.

 

[bigDeeOT]

Ironically, I know why the hell are you trying to go to UT of all places? If anything, your ass belongs at A&M, Baylor or SMU. You'd fit in just fine in one of them. Don't to fukk around and hate college.

I guess my believes are a lot more conservative but I definitely like liberal environments more than conservative ones.

 

[you're NOT "n!ggas"]

I guess my believes are a lot more conservative but I definitely like liberal environments more than conservative ones.

Really now... why is that?

 

[bigDeeOT]

Really now... why is that?

Liberals are more socially openminded. You can do whatever you want socially and people are more open to it. Where as conservatives like to limit what they see as socially acceptable. If I wanted to get some white p*ssy, it'd be a lot easier to do it in a liberal city than a conservative one.

Also at A&M I've read testimonies online of people who went there. They said a lot of people all dress the same, like there's a typical look to an A&M student. And it seems weird to me how they're all hell bent on saying "howdy" to everyone. If I went there I'd be forced to say it too if I wanted to fit in socially, but I'd be uncomfortable saying it because its just not something I've said before. I'm not a cowboy.

 

[you're NOT "n!ggas"]

Liberals are more socially openminded. You can do whatever you want socially and people are more open to it. Where as conservatives like to limit what they see as socially acceptable. If I wanted to get some white p*ssy, it'd be a lot easier to do it in a liberal city than a conservative one.

Also at A&M I've read testimonies online of people who went there. They said a lot of people all dress the same, like there's a typical look to an A&M student. And it seems weird to me how they're all hell bent on saying "howdy" to everyone. If I went there I'd be forced to say it too if I wanted to fit in socially, but I'd be uncomfortable saying it because its just not something I've said before. I'm not a cowboy.

Maybe they understand that your backwards ass "hardcore gangsta" black genes have no business being inside some superior white p*ssy. Let alone fraternizing with them.

 

[newarkhiphop]

Justice for trayvon? These aren't calls for the black community to do anything. These are rallies over what the white man has done to the black man. Look also at the picture of the black guy trying to "stand tall" to the white police officer. And the sign saying justice for Amar Mclean. Those marches are about the white man vs the black man.

the stop the violence ones are specifically for black on black crimes( calling for the black community to stop this) which accounts for 99% of the murders in newark, the Trayvon and Amari pics were just extras i threw in there

there are tons more and am sure if they happens in newark it happens in other cities like it across the country . Dallas from my understanding has a pretty successful black population so maybe thats why u dont hear about i there