Patrick Teehan
Often, childhood trauma survivors will struggle with calling it abuse from their parents because of a specific narrative around what was provided for them growing up.
*I had clothes and food and went to school.
*They put me through college.
*I was able to play soccer and take piano lessons.
*They really struggled to get to school plays, but would a couple of times.
While it may seem like an entitled idea to some, providing for our children is the whole plan, to give them the experience to have what they need to thrive and similarly raise children to the best of their ability, providing food, shelter, and clothing is easier than the emotional task of parenting. I know hearing that may be triggering. However, parents in an abusive or toxic family will distract from real issues by shaming children about basics and weaponizing them.
"How dare you bring up what happened. What was I supposed to do?! Someone had to work!."
"You know, I have to go out of my way to get you to these lessons."
"After everything, I do for you, and you still won't do this for me!?"
"You know...Dad had to drive four hours to come to your graduation...you know that, right?"
These narratives become our own narratives in adulthood about how we still bury others and don't understand that these are basics. Healthy parents show up, are involved, and provide as best they can without something for something. The weaponization is in the toxic family, "you owe me for having to be a parent." And in reality, this is smoke and mirrors to make children feel like a burden, which is about power.
This makes receiving basics in adulthood shame-inducing when they don't have to be. It also makes one confused about if it's ok to be upset with an abusive partner since they tolerate us.
Have you struggled with this?
This post is not about poverty or difficult circumstances for parents. Families can struggle with poverty or stuckness in being unable to provide what they want and still not shame their children.