Sometimes I really think I have no place in the world. Among people or anything. Not even like a "special snowflake", more like I really shouldn't have existed. I feel like there is nothing I can contribute that would make me say I lived a useful life. I know people have it much worse than me. Much, much, much worse. But this is how I feel. I've had therapy. Didn't work. Many many people have tried to talk to me. No one seems to understand how I feel though. Mostly because I'm too afraid to actually tell them. I cling to people who don't want me. I avoid people who do. It's hard for me to believe anyone genuinely cares about me. I've been through every level of depression and back again. I feel it rearing its gruesome head at me again. Last year was supposed to be my last year. I give myself until 28. This time I'll make sure it sticks. I have nothing and I have no one. As sad as that sounds, I think I'll die that way too. The main reason why I don't do relationships anymore also. Imagine having to deal with someone like me. Disgusting. I don't want to infect another person's life with this miasma of misery. There is someone in my life who makes me more than happy everyday but there is a reason why I keep it long-distance. Idk why. I care so much about people. But I can't care the same amount about myself. I don't even want people to feel sorry for me. I'm tiresome of it. It's hard but I'm learning to accept that some people can function in this world and others just can't. I used to think I was going to change the world. All my life I've had dreams and visions of it. But I can't even change myself. I feel sorry for anyone who cares for me. Idk if I'm "mentally ill" or not. Maybe I just have a fukked up perspective, maybe there truly is something wrong with me. Idk. The only advice I get from most people is "That's life". Why does that have to be life though? If that's life then I prefer death. The most I can do is die happy. As sad as it sounds. I look forward to it.
Yes, I know my grammar is horrible. The periods are helpful in processing what I'm thinking.
Damn man. I went through bouts of what you described here. I solved most of my problems temporarily through repression until I dealt with them one by one. I made a thread on here about meeting up with my dad to discuss my childhood and how it affected me. That was the last barrier I had to breakthrough to understand myself.
I know myself quite well, but talking things out and hearing another voice not my own solve issues is great to me. As black men, we can't connect with our emotions and express them externally without an eyebrow raise and label. You want to share but aren't comfortable with doing it to everyone.
I can connect with people quickly and well but I don't care about them and want them to stop talking. That goes back to my self-reliance and economical usage of words and ideas. Conversations should be hitting key points and not meandering. I've improved on this and participate in roundabout conversations and other stuff; however, that ender voice still remains.
And don't give up
@Yusuke, most people don't realise how much they affect other people's lives. That's not to say keep going because you help other people and they benefit from it. Keep going because you still haven't completed what you want to do. You want a relationship with someone who you can share emotionally and physically. You have goals on leaving an imprint on the world. And things may not go according to plan, but they never will if you stop living.
Keep your head up bro. You have a purpose, it's not fulfilled yet. My PMs are open if you ever want to talk.
but I get so deep into my thoughts and I get depressed or feel very weird that I will shut down and won't speak nor eat for the day.
