I've come to the conclusion that thanksgiving week was hell. Trying to relax this evening and enjoy my alone time, but already thinking about a welcoming and safe place to go for Christmas, because I've really don't want to be around extended family for a while. I've seen them quite a few times already past two years, and it's too much. But I don't want to be alone.
I'm also a lil upset my Buddhist community are still on edge about my past behavior and that I'm not really wanted there. I was told i'm not allowed in any get together without my mentors. that stuff was 3 years ago, and I've done some work on my self and learned a little bit. I am certain I am not the devil so why I am being treated like this? I feel I could really use help with my fears and anger, so I've been going to various churches, but I don't accept Jesus as my savior, it's not where I want to be.
Part of me feels like religion just isn't my thing, so just move on. I mean there's many ways to fill that emptiness and address issues. Gotta get honest with that. But it's more do I have the perseverance and discipline to follow that way of life. I can identify so much with Buddhist teachings., but can I actually live that way? ... that's dedication.