You think a change of scenery might help? You have plenty to look forward to. There has to be some food spot you haven't tried, some place you want to visit, some certain someone you want to talk to or show/movie you want to watch. There's always something out there. Sometimes small changes can help you see the bigger picture. Go outside at night sometime and just look up at the moon. Think about how beautiful it is. Reflect on life. Breath.
Write down your feelings, wants, regrets, look at what you wrote and keep it. Come back to what you wrote sometime later this year. Look forward to if you feel better or worse. I hope you feel better.
Moving from SD to LB only compounded issues, the move wasn't smooth, the acclimation has been so-so and on top of it now I gotta fix the whip.
As for rn, reading this as I write it checking for grammatical errors/typos I sound like a miserable fukk, but really I am, I just have become good at hiding it/putting on a face. I have nothing man like finishing school, is cool, but I honestly should have, already. Then what get a job in a country that could fold in 15-20? Or move to another place that I'll have to adapt to/learn just to keep place (Canada) to avoid mass violence, but still deal with mild racism? Frankly I'm mad bitter, but in a lowkey way about how at every step everyone has said the next level would be where the fun is in elementary --> middle school would be cool, get there and its the same with more work middle school --> jr. high would be cool, get there and its the same with more, and it goes on to adulthood, I'm finishing up school and I'm realizing there never was better the most part. More possibilities? of course, but the probabilities just seemed to flat line if not dip towards more Ls being taken. They say it's not how many times you fall down, but how many you get up, but a nikka just wants to lie on the floor and die at times (not pragmatic, because bills, time, etc. continue to progress, so suicide would be more apt), but everything just seems like a compromise to keep playing a game you lose at with regularity. It's like baseball but my career average is .150, at some point even being in the lineup seems like a waste of everyone's time including your own
I understand the possibility of a home, or a family, etc. keeps people interested but with home prices in (desirable parts of) America that shyt ain't happening and with the quality of women in aggregate moreover the quality women who acknowledge my existence those odds are cooked as well. If I make it to getting older/late 30s I adopt, but more so to make a difference/do a good deed not be a whole ass waste of oxygen/resources than out of pure desire for being a parent/guardian.
With what this unexpected expense will do to my finances nah, I'm not trying any new food. I bushed TV after Power made the fakkit son the main character. I only watch sports for TB12 and Bron (last of the dudes I grew up on). I have music but lately I've been to busy and in too poor of mood to enjoy listening to music I haven't heard yet (older albums and new material).
To be fair the car accident/necessary repairs dampens my mood even further because the one thing I have to my name, and really more accurately the one nice thing I have to my name isn't in proper condition, but a few days ago when it was fine. I still had random bouts of existential dread in between trying to complete daily tasks.
I'll try the journaling and I appreciate the well wishes but frankly I've been unhappy for years, but this hollow/meaningless/endless setback rut feels like it's going for a solid 10-12 months, so when progress does come it just feels overdue, and like the least I could get. At least 1-2 times a week I go to sleep genuinely wishing I just wouldn't wake up. It's whatever, last time I felt genuine joy (no weed) was when Magic dropped from Nas, for a 3 hours I had excitement to listen to the project, and appreciation that something unexpected had happened and it was
good.
