The M.I.C. Stories: Worst One Night Stand

[awkwardblackgirl]

You gonna post the rest of the story or nah

 

[Neuromancer]

This shyt piff, bro.

 

[beenz]

still no conclusion to this???? you ain't @General Mills .

don't catch this neg

 

[Taadow]

This posts is edited with Taadow's real-time thoughts.

A few years ago, I was invited over to friend's house for a small get together...I forgot what the occasion was for but apparently my friend and his wife decided to play matchmaker behind the scenes with me and one of his wife's good friends.

Ugggggh...that is THEE WORST. I hate when they do that chit...

This is my story. I have to include the actual date and the close in two separate parts just to show you how off the wall this night was.

So I got introduced to this lady named, Jessica,

Double uggggggh...I have never met a female named Jessica that wasn't a female a$$hole.

by all accounts this woman was damn near dime status. We chatted a little bit she was talking about how she teaches at a local HS and talking about going back to school to get her Masters, etc...

An "educated" broad, too huh??

Your boy feeling kinda about the girl, so we exchange numbers and after talking for a bit at the soiree..we setup a date for us to go out. I decided to keep it cheap but classy as far as eats go, I went ahead and took her ass to them Olive Gardens...especially since they had to 2 for 25 joint at the time, win win for me. So I pick her up, we get to the restaurant and this is where the wheels came off.

We sitting at the table, highlights of the convo..

Me: "So, you were telling me you teach at ******** High School, what subject you teach?"
Her: "Oh, I be teaching them all types of stuff."

Uh oh...

Me: "What you mean you be teaching them all types of stuff?"
Her: "Naw, whatever type of help they need, I just help them...whenever I'm in class."
Me: "Huh? You part time? You a full fledged teacher though right?? "
Her: "Yeah, I'm a substitute teacher."
Me:
Her:

So, the waiter (who's a brother) comes by after a few minutes of awkward silence

You was silent after that? I woulda had a bunch to ask...

and asks us if we're ready to order. Now mind you, I'm trying to keep expenses steady in this bytch..so I'm like "Lemme get that Lasagna" and then I say real loud.."THE ONE ON THE 2 FOR 25!". I look over at this chick, she still studying the menu like it's in a foreign language. I guess the waiter sensed what I was trying to do and he says something about the 2 for 25 joint politely to her, this chick straight up says "Nuh uh, I want something I've haven't had before.." ..This chick gets one of the most expensive dishes on the menu, goddamn steak and some other shyt..the waiter looking at me with the face cause I was visibly agitated at this point. Conversation continues..

Her: "So how come you don't have any kids?"

This is one of the funniest questions on a date ever in my experience.

Me: "Trying to get my career going, not really trying to focus on little ones til I get set and married."
Her: "I feel you, I almost had a few kids myself."

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Me: "Almost? Few?"
Her: "We all make mistakes in life, ya know.. dealing with folks I shouldn't have been.." She starts looking up at the ceiling, lost in thought apparently.
Me: "Do you have kids or not??"
Her: "I'm good."

ROFL

Me: "That's doesn't answer my question."

Awkward silence for about a good ten minutes right up until food is brought out, we start eating and I'm already thinking if I want to try to even smash tonight

BRUUUUUH...I woulda been put my dicc back safely in the overhead compartment the way she was talkin'...

because of how dense this woman is appearing to be but to my surprise after dessert, she's like "I'd like chill after we get done here" I'm like "Cool, we can hit up my place and I can break out some wine and music.." She agrees. Your man feeling that salvation is coming soon so I'm like fukk all this shyt, I call the waiter and ask for a check and she interrupts like "Can I get some more breadsticks and salad?". Me and the dude both looking at her like . I'm like "The hell you need more food for??" She like "shyt, that'll be lunch for the next couple of days for work.."

Wowzers.

...The waiter comes back with the breadsticks and salad and she's like.."Why didn't you bag all this shyt up? We tryna leave!" Waiter legit mad as hell, nikka sucking his teeth and everything..he bags it up, I left him a nice tip and we bounced to my place to finish off the night.


Next part coming up.

 

[Taadow]

Anyway,

We get settled at my place and after about an hour of chillin over some music and wine..I'm on some let's take a tour of the house type shyt.

I'm showing her the fukking bedroom and I don't know what the hell happens but this broad completely derails off onto some bipolar shyt..bytch spins me around, grabs the dikk HARD and damn near suffocates me by shoving her tongue down my throat. The look in this broad's eyes is almost fukking murderous and bytch diggin her nails in on my joint so I'm a bit worried at this point at the change in personality..So she says..

Her: "I ain't no damn hoe off the streets.."

Oh boy - you gotta love when they lead with that.

Her: "I don't be handin this shyt out like this shyt is fukkin candy, nikka.."
Me: "I understand.."

Her: "What's good?"

Me: "Wha??"
Her: "You gotta take good care of this p*ssy...you good for this, nikka?"

Damn...she tried to Deebo yo' chit...

Me: "Yeah, I'm good.."

This chick has one of them Vader like force choke holds on my dikk, shyt is fukking with the bloodflow...my dikk doesn't know whether to be hard or soft at this point. Before I could try to loosen this woman's deathgrip, she hits her knees and starts giving ya breh that neck . Rapid fire head movements with them lightning fast tongue lashes...earrings and extensions falling off with that velocity .

Oh snap - she had dem Gale Force Winds...

I'm thinking the night is gonna end spectacularly..Then all of the sudden she just stops...I'm looking down and she just starin at the shyt, all bug eyed.

Me: "You alright?"
Her: "Yeah, it's just so nice...I kinda just wanna nibble and bite on it"
Me: "Shots will be fired. My shyt ain't no damn snickers, no teeth."
Her: "That's no fun!"
Me: "You be snackin on nikkas dikks on the regular?"

With that I'm making an executive decision in keeping this woman's mouth away from the family jewels so I'm like "fukk this, I'm running this shyt tonight" and throw her little ass up on the bed to let her how it's going down...this crazy broad goes bug eyed again , bounces off the bed, runs around and fukking "Lawrence Taylor's" tackles me onto the bed. This woman starts giving me that fukking death stare again..

Her: "I gotta get mines first, on top...you understand?"
Me: " Yes I understand."
Her:" You ready!?!"
Me: "Wha..?"
Her: "You ready for this p*ssy?!"
Me: "YEP!"

Clothes flying everywhere and she's gets back on top and starts gotdamn jack hammering down on me, I'm and then at the chick's energy, I'm thinking she hit on some coke beforehand because she's doing 360s on my joint, laughing and growling like a fukking bear all at the same fukking time.

LMAO

So I'm like I gotta get mine before this woman potentially goes psychotic.. So I flip her ass over on the bed and I barely done put an inch of righteousness in her before she hollers at the top of her lungs, a fukking screech...the shyt shook me so bad that I literally fell out of the p*ssy and fell right off the damn bed.

Nicca said "an inch of righteousness".

Me: "The hell is wrong??"
Her: "That shyt felt good, nikka!!"
Me: "bytch, I live next to white folks...I can't have them hearing bloody screams over here at no damn 2am in the morning."

No - LET HER SCREAM.

So I get back in there and she starts growling with every stroke... I have to do periodical welfare checks on this chick to see if she's ok.

What - did you put a blood pressure sleeve on her, or something?

She's getting louder and louder as we're going but now she's humming, like she's doing them old school church spirituals but just much louder. At this point I put my hand over her mouth to quiet her down and this further encourages her to get even more louder, at this point she's screaming again. All of the sudden she locks up and screams "OH shyt!", I back up quick...this broad starts trembling and starts to "squirts" all over the place..

Me: "bytch, did you just pee all over my goddamn bed?"
Her: "Naw, baby I came.."
Me: "That ain't no goddamn cum...Smell these gotdamn sheets...they smell like fukking piss."
Her: "So what, you know you liked it!!! "
Me:



Believe it or not...this shyt continues. I'll post what happened in the morning soon.

Ayo...lemme get the number, cuzz.

 

[Tunez]

Damn Breh you got a crazy one

 

[The M.I.C.]

Probably got about 4 or 5 hours of sleep until I started smelling food cooking, I'm pretty much dazed as hell...thinking that last night, for the most part, was a fukking dream. I'm trying to figure out if I left something in the oven because of the smell of food UNTIL...I started feeling something grabbing on my balls below. I look down and this chick is down here using her hands to juggle my joints, staring and examining them and shyt.


Me: "The hell?"
Her: "They're like chocolate grapefruits, big delicious chocolate grapefruits!"
Me: "Thank you I guess?"
Me: "Are you cooking something?"
Her: "Yeah, I'm making you some breakfast! Bacon, eggs and toast

I'm actually at this until I start to get up and see one of my three piece suit joints laid out next to me...I'm cause I know I didn't pull anything out for me to work last night due to the shyt that took place. I guess she saw how puzzled I looked looking at the clothes..

Her: "I picked out something for you to wear to work today, I think you'd look good in this. Don't you agree?"
Me: "What? You went into my closet....the fukk, you actually picked out my gotdamn drawls and socks too?"
Her: "Well, I need you to be looking your best while you're out at work...can't have no nikka dressed like a bum for a man."
Me:
Her: "Get dressed and come and eat"
Me: "I don't feel like getting fukking dressed."


So after I say this she goes to the back, right to the kitchen, I can hear the plates and shyt being laid out. I'm thinking about how the hell I'm going to get this broad out of my damn house until she storms right back into the room and basically backs me up toward my dresser. Of course, her hands start roaming and lock right back down on my joint and my nuts..

Her: "You must be ready to let off some of that frustration from last night, baby!"
Me: "Naw, I'm good right now...I just woke up."
Her: "What did I say last night, what did I need?"
Me: "Three."
Her: "Three what?"
Me: "Three of them orgasms."
Her:
Me: "Please? The food is getting cold."



So in saying that I guess she remembered she actually cooked some food and ran off to the kitchen, I followed her and saw the spread..so again, I almost immediately lost the concern of this broad starving my dikk of it's blood flow and I'm kinda with the preparation of the food...Bacon was not too crunchy, eggs on fleek...nice and fluffy and the toast was on point with a nice assortment of jams (that I know I didn't buy) and butter. However, all that shyt switches up until we start up the conversation as we eat.

Her: "This is how REAL couples start their mornings off."
Me: "Really? That's good to know...I appreciate the eats, friend."
Her: "Oh yeah, you gonna know nikka.."
Me: "What the fukk...?"


She completely switches up the subject at this point..


Her: "I heard that most men want their women to be like their mama...what's ya mama like?"

Me: "......"
Her: "What's ya mama like?"
Me: "She's a mama, shyt...I mean fukk"

Her: "I don't feel comfortable with us being in an intimate relationship and me not know your mama and them."
Me: "bytch, when the hell did we enter into a relationship within the last few days??"
Her: "I told you last night that I don't just give this shyt out to anyone..You're special to me and should feel privileged someone giving you the type of loving care I give."
Me:
Her: "Finish your food."

Me:
Her: "I think we need to meet up later tonight for dinner...let's do something fancy and get dressed up, OK?"
Her: "I think we should do Applebees!!"

Me: "Applebees's aint no fukking fancy restaurant.."

Her: "Let's do Applebees then!"
Me: Yep.

Her: "Huh?"

Me: "Yes."

This woman goes gets her stuff so she can head home, she grabs her Olive Garden leftovers out of the fridge and then proceeds to tell me that she needs my number at the hospital just in case she needs to reach me if plans change...I tell her I'm in the process of getting a new number and I don't know it right now (not true). After she leaves, I call my homeboy who introduced us and ask if her knew that this woman was a fukking lunatic...this dude swears up and down that he didn't know she was off like that but I'm pretty sure he set me up on some bullshyt. Had to switch numbers and actually warn this chick that I had legal ownership of various pistols before she left me alone a month later

 

[dennis roadman]

 

[dennis roadman]

the toast was on point with a nice assortment of jams (that I know I didn't buy)

this is top posting here

 

[Neuromancer]

Her: "Three what?"
Me: "Three of them orgasms."
Her:
Me: "Please? The food is getting cold.

I literally hit the floor here.

 

[™BlackPearl The Empress™]

Perfect

 

[™BlackPearl The Empress™]

Where did the jam come from?

Did u ever get that nut?

Did she stalk you?

 

[Kokoro]

Breh your use of smilies is perfectly executed

 

[emerald]

let me go get a glass of cranberry ginger ale real quick. brb

 

[Silkk]

O u a

ass nikka huh