I'm so emotionally drained right now man. I just went out for a drive to clear my head and on the way back I stopped at the grocery store. Got all the way up to the register, reached for my wallet and realized I didn't bring it. Had $10 bucks worth of random shyt I didn't even need I don't think. Told the lady at the register to put it to the side and I'll be right back.
The woman in line next to me, mid 20s latina/native, insisted on paying for it. I thanked her but said no adamantly but she wouldn't let it go. She made the cashier to ring it up and that she's not gonna take it herself so I may as well get it. I was so reluctant and at that point thought it would be disrespectful of me not to accept it.
I wasn't sure if she was just doing it to hit on me. And while she was attractive, where I am right now, I can't find myself attracted to anyone other than (?) right now. Just how she came across though made me think she was just being a genuinely sweet person.
Had nothing to do with anything about groceries and everything to do with the simple act. I don't know if its on my face or in my body language when she saw me but when I mustered a sincere "thank you" and told her she really didn't have to do that, she put her hand on my arm and said "You looked like you needed someone to do something nice for you." I looked up and when I saw she had the most honest face I've seen in a long time, I had to take a second.
As I said, im emotionally tapped right now and that right there...almost made me break character. I mean really. I realized that I hadn't had anyone do something nice in a long time and the fact that she saw that just standing next to me in line was just...damn.
Ive been trying very hard to fix a personal problem and to do that, ive had to open myself up and in a way that I haven't ever forced myself to do. In doing so, because I have a hard time experiencing this shyt, I cant properly regulate emotions and I'm like an exposed nerve. Feeling too much. Much more than I'm used to... and never without the comfort of someone to be safe with in doing it. I've been lashing out with angst. Doing dangerous shyt at dangerous times trying to get a feeling out of me that won't go away.
Anyway, I bagged all our stuff up and said the least I could do was carry her bags to the car and she said she just came from the gym and needed her cool down anyway so she's got it. She told me "Whatever it is, you'll figure it out and if not, that's okay too." I was glad she didn't try to blatantly holler and cheapen this experience I just had because it meant a lot to me. Way more than what the gesture was intended to. I don't really know what it means but I sincerely thank her for giving me that moment.
Ran thru season 1 and on S2E9, and got season 3 lined up for download.....
