My usefulness in my youth was rooted in my cruelty and my lack of regard for life, even for my own. In a running theme, common for young black men in my environment at the time, it felt like my life had no form or purpose outside of just existing, breathing to just be breathing. It amuses me how the young men NOW complain about the same thing we did at their age..the times do indeed play the same song through the years but under a different beat that's good for the era. Solomon said it best... There's nothing new under the sun.
The military gave birth to a dualistic mindset for me especially as I became older..taking lives as necessary while adopting a need to save them as well. A smidge of guilt for the harm, of which most was unnecessary, that I inflicted on people, on their families at times through force or by silence. I got tired of being bloody and thought to salvage my soul by being a healer instead of a killer. Yet, these demons are difficult to outrun no matter how much time passes and vows made in darkness get brought up to the light eventually.