It's funny, as a kid people made it clear to me that I was weird and they didn't want to be around me. My mom, my brother, fukking everybody. Most of my childhood memories are of me being alone. I was alienated and made to feel like I had no value. I was attempting suicide before the age of 12. I didn't even know what it was TBH, I didn't know the word, I didn't to any music at the time, so it was my own idea. Nobody ever told me to kill myself, I just wanted to give people what they wanted and disappear.
I tried to kill myself hella times. Luckily I was so young I didn't know how to do it right. They locked me in a hospital for months, I used to try to break out of every night. I decided I got to stop trying to kill myself because I hate hospitals and every time I tried they locked me in a hospital. I still wanted to be invisible so I got a coat and I convinced myself it made me invisible. Again, nobody told me to do it. I wanted to disappear. To me as a kid, being gone was being dead or invisible. I didn't understand what being dead was. I equated it with being invisible.
I remember hearing Tupac's voice and that shyt changed my life. I thought it was the voice of God. I swear I did. I was naive as fukk as a kid because I spent so much time alone my imagination was my parent and best friend, so yeah, I thought I heard God. That shyt was crazy for me. I remember going from feeling valueless to feeling like I have a purpose. shyt was crazy. People still treated me like shyt but it didn't phase me. I was hurt still, but I knew it was temporary.
I see how dark it is for kids right now. It's not just music this is how young black kids feel. I been through the whole cycle. Drugs, suicide, wasted talent, wasted youth, state property, young and successful, etc. All of that shyt. When I was doing it expressing anything but anger made you a fakkit. Kids nowadays have changed the climate and they can express how they feel. Thing is if we don't give kids the space to be heard, fukk letting them talk, it's more about us listening to what they're feeling.
We don't have to understand but we need to hear and accept them. That's all I wanted my whole life. I didn't want to be liked I just wanted to be heard and allowed to exist.
Dark times are ahead of us if we don't listen. Young black kids are hella suicidal. They don't even know what it is so they can't express it. When you're doing real drugs all the time and doing wild shyt it's because you don't give a fukk if you live or die. Or you feel as if you're not shyt. Pac and Big discussed it a lot, and those two young men saved my life. Because they gave me the words and strength to keep pushing.
I fear for the youth because they don't have that. All they have are people telling them to do more drugs and fukk more bytches.
I talk to the kids in these streets everyday. They tell me their dreams and I ask them about them. I always show them love. I bring them hot food and I tell them how to make some money. I know I'm not doing shyt to heal them. I don't think we can heal, this is how we are, but I can listen. I may not understand but I can listen.
I'd hate to see a generation growing up to be like me. Everyday I wake up I have to check myself because I have suicidal tendencies. I don't even know it until I calm down and review my behavior. When you're raised in a way that normalizing crazy shyt, that becomes your normal behavior. So I've spent my whole life trying to relearn everything. It's fukking hard as fukk.
I feel bad for Fredo Santana. He was trying fix himself. nikkas hate because people like us we do shyt our own way. And yeah drugs are involved, serious drugs, but it's not the drugs that kill us. It's life. If we didn't do drugs we'd be shooting guns or hustling. Maybe we'd be in the military fighting wars. When you grow up seeing all bad shyt, feeling bad shyt, and you don't even know you need help you become a very dark person.