I have to be the only person who can pursue something get it and be sad as fukk about it. WTF is wrong is me? I had a great time and I'm the saddest I've been in months. I might have to commit that. There's no point in torturing myself to achieve things and feeling sad when I do. This happens all the time to me, I get what I want and get very sad. I don't want to feel like this. I either feel nothing, guilty, sad, or brief excitement. I've felt this way since I was 7 years old.
When Winter falls I'll be holding onto anything nailed down. I'm calling all my oldest friends saying sorry for the mess we're in. I'm waiting for the sun to come and melt this now and give me back control.
Chester's suicide is fukking with me. I do not like LP, but I do think his writing and singing are next level. Every song he wrote was about being on the edge. He didn't make it and he literally was on top of the world what hope do I have. Ian Curtis is dead, Morrissey is lonely, Ladd is depressed, Snape is dead, Dumbledore is dead, Jesse is depressed, Pac is dead, Chris Cornell is dead, and here I am.
"Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break. I need a little room to breathe cause I'm one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break. I wish I could find a way to disappear. all these thoughts they make no sense. Shut up when I'm talking to you. Shut up. I'm about to break."
- Chester B 2000
People don't listen man. People can literally tell someone exactly how they feel and people don't hear it. Shut up. Just shut up and listen.
"I tried so hard and got so far but in the end it doesn't even matter."
"I put my trust in you pushed as far as I can go for all of this there is one thing you should know. In the end it doesn't even matter."
- Chester B 2000
"Every step that I take is another mistake to you. I've become so numb. I've become so tired."
"I can't feel the way I did before. Time won't heal this damage anymore. Hear me out now you're going to listen to me like or not, right now, I won't be ignored!"
"I want to be pushed aside so let me go. Let me take back my life I'd rather be all alone, anywhere on my own. The very worst part of you is me."
"I want to let go of the pain I felt so long. I want to feel like I'm close to something real. I will never know myself until I do this on my own. I will never feel anything else until my wounds have healed."
Chester B 2003
I don't understand when people are surprised when people who literally scream for help kill themselves. His lyrics got more desperate as he got more famous. He discussed wanting real things in his life and feeling detached from everything while being famous.
He had 6 kids, fame, millions of dollars, a beautiful wife, and he hung himself. He hung his fukking self.