Solutions on dealing with heartbreak?

[Marco Zen]

Also... you probably can't rush the process of "getting over it"...

Hurting is natural. Wanting the hurt to go away is natural. But what I learned was the more energy you put into "wanting to stop hurting" is the same as putting energy into hurting. Allow it to run its course as it will.

It's my belief that once you finally do begin to get over it (which you will as long as you choose to), you'll look back on these days and laugh. Seriously. I've been there.

I look back on the days my "heart was broke" and laugh my ass off and I'm actually GLAD it happened because it put my life on a trajectory that has me where I am now. The best version of myself. Probably better than I've ever been. And it probably wouldn't have happened if not for the shyt I went thru.


I had an uncle who had an ugly divorce. He spent at least 20 years drinking and ruminating and always bringing up his ex with everybody. He CHOSE not to get over it. And it cost him. Choose to live your life for the man you are today and the man you want to be TODAY, not the man you were yesterday or the man you "should have been"

Be grateful about your life breh. All of it.

How would you know what happiness is if not for the pain?


What's yin without yang?

 

[murksiderock]

I really can't tell you man, I'll be making shyt up. But your adulthood is usually a result of your childhood. You gotta go back in time and figure out what still troubles you from your adolescence. Whatever you resist, it persists.

Everyone is damaged in someway. Self mastery is a life long task that we never complete. But as long as you try to improve yourself by 1% every year, you are exceptional. After a decade, you are 10% better than you were. That might not sound significant but most men are stagnant or going backwards destroying their bodies and minds over time.

Sit down with yourself and really be honest about where you are failing. I love reading because every question you have, a book probably has the answer. Books will open your mind and push you to see the world from a different perspective.

If I were you in this situation, I'd stay single for a good amount of time and just pour my love into those kids. Don't let your 2nd baby mama get you emotionally riled up anymore. A woman's power is how they can control men psychogically and sexually. So you gotta flip the game, don't let sex or confusion (empty words) influence your behavior again. It's really a battle of the minds, your strongest weapon is in that noggin.

I learned awhile ago that my bottom line mistrust of women comes from my mothers. As a child I was lied to, lied on, physically and verbally and emotionally abused by those women. What I've realized is that my adolescence created an image of women in my mind, who would only protect me when convenient. Who I could only confide in when convenient for them. Who would manipulate and deceive me. Would get violent with me. Who had conditional love.

That set a template that as I got into relationships as a man, I sought out the qualities my mothers have, because thru the cruelty they could be warm and comforting. They could wear a face that roped me in, and by the time I realized I was getting played, it was an ugly situation.

As an adult, women I'm not romantically interested in, I can see all the warning signs from gate. When I'm romantically into someone, there's a blind spot I have that blocks my ability to see the tells initially. By the time I am able to see them, I'm already invested in that woman and I struggle with de-attaching. It's a weakness and it relates to my inability to deattach from my mothers when I wasn't of an age I could, and easily forgiving them and keeping them in my life since I've been of age to let them go...

I'm aware of where my trauma comes from. I just don't know how to fix it. But I want to fix it...

Maaaan, if I were him, I'd dip the hell out

I would too, but I don't think he will. And yes as of this moment I hope he does because I want her to have that egg on her face, selfishly...

But he and I spoke for 45 minutes and I get the sense that, for better or worse, we have some commonalities. He's 34 with no kids. The woman who just dropped him isn't his legal wife but they were together for awhile. He's rebounding with old girl too but also hoping it works out, he'd say in one breath "I don't love her, it ain't serious" but then said about three different times "I do like her". He's gotten attached to her kids, including my daughter, said his ex had kids as well...

Can't prove this but I get the feeling he's a couch surfer...

But watching his reactions and body language at different parts of the conversation, I'd bet he isn't going anywhere. And for me, I have to think that he's not going anywhere because that's helping fuel my healing. But just talking about his speech and reactions, the idea I have is he'll "contemplate" leaving but won't and because I know she's gonna sell me as the nut BD and he's an upgrade, she moving on, he's the type brother that can be convinced to stay...

Which is the similarity with me. He can see the red flags. I saw some early on. I'm sure he's seen one or two aside from thos thing with me and her. And I guess because that's how I've been I feel like it's easy for me to identify that in other men. Could be totally wrong and he might be the kinda guy who just doesn't wear his emotions on his sleeve, but he doesn't give off the type a brother who is like "nah I ain't with this shyt"...

He's in there and I've accepted it, her life will go the way it needs to whether he the forever guy or not. But I'm approaching it from yesterday forward as she's in a new relationship (even though he said they aren't) and yes, many of you told me to have this outlook from jump. Better late than never. I have it now and having that outlook now is fueling my emotional healing...

I have to agree with other posters in here OP. You were outta pocket showing up to someone’s job like that. That’s how nikkas get killed. You accomplished nothing by doing that except creating drama for everyone. Especially after the fact that everyone in this thread been told you what it was. You can’t be moving like that especially for a man that is in his 30s already and has multiple kids with different women.

You gotta look in the mirror because the biggest issue here is you. You moved away without telling her and she moved on. You created this situation and you’re making it worse.

I have helped make this situation first but the lack of accountability on this woman annoys me...

With everything on the table, what's been revealed is that most likely, me leaving was the "reason" she was looking for to validate the new guy. That thing in whatever form has been going on. Me leaving isn't what created the situation---->her petulance and gold digging created it...

I didn't make it better, nah. Agree with that. I disagree that I accomplished nothing, though. At some point I had to look after Rodney. Nobody else was, she wasn't. And again, some of you brothers in here are far more skilled at navigating turbulent situations with women...

It's a weakness I have and I'm not ashamed to admit it's a weakness. The same way I see dozens of posts on here weakly from brothers who struggle in other aspects of life that aren't difficult for me at all. We can't be great at everything. I'm not great in turbulence with women. It's the greatest weakness I have that I'm desperately trying to improve, and I think I am. It's gradual. But it's showing...

So for Rodney, BECAUSE I'm weak I'm navigating chaos with women. I needed everything put there pm the table! And honestly, here a day later, I think this will serve me extremely well going forward, I have confidence I've graduated this step (that I won't need to push for every detail to know how I should respond). As of today I feel I got it, it's small progress...

But as of yesterday, and the last 2 months? I needed to look out for Rodney abd that meant going hard to find out the truth with NO guess work, eliminate every hypothetical. This helped me. fukk what it did for them or not. It helped me...

 

[85 East]

Time and exercise.

 

[bigde09]

Someone from work who I think she said lost his apartment
and he was told by everyone NOTHING was going on

And yes I am sure she was telling his mother and everyone else the things he did "recently"

What I am against is yall making it seem like he want too hard or embarrassed himself

She was to be a wife to him, now he can find someone better
That is a win

Are you op's alias?

 

[murksiderock]

Naw he escalated, instead of diffusing and moving on righteously

Whatever she told others she now can add on this crazy nikka popped up on me at my gig and she might try to get a restraining order, preventing him from seeing his daughter while jeopardizing his on seed livelihood cause what if baby moms get fired over this bullshyt

Nah she not getting a restraining order, she know she'd be OD doing that. She ain't the type chick to go that route, I'd bet extremely, extremely low probability because she'd have to prove I'm a risk to her. A verbal, civil disturbance at work, a one-off, doesn't validate that...

Now what I have lost in the interim is time with my daughter. That'll change in the coming weeks, I believe. But I talked to her mom for 30 minutes last night and her mom said "you know she not letting you get the baby right now". In a vacuum am I okay with that, no. But it's okay, it'll reverse sooner than later. This ain't gonna be like a 2-3 month stretch I don't see my daughter, for a lot of reasons, but in part, I'm going outta town in less than 3 months (June 6) to Fort Worth for the summer, for work. That's 86 days from today. She not keeping my child from me for 3 months knowing I'll be gone at least 2...

So I won't see my youngest daughter for a few weeks. It'll happen soon and I'll keep sending my support until I can, ain't saying a word to her, no calls, no text. I'm good...

Also she ain't getting fired. She's a major/popular employee at her job, in tight with management, as in she's hung out with management outside of work. They'll probably question her about it I'm sure, but she'll put it all off on me and keep pushing. There's literally ZERO percent chance she gets fired by managers she's friends with...

He was extremely lucky nothing happened. He did all of this because his ego is still hurt. What was the point of getting answers when he already knew this new guy was living with her? This was sloppy and he’s lucky this didn’t turn left for him.

This was unnecessary, in hindsight I agree...

However I didn't do anything to turn the shyt left. I didn't break any law, I was fully aware of that. The worst that could happen is she could tell her spot to ban me from coming up there, and I think her people will suggest it to her, bit I don't think she'll go that route. If I'm wrong I'll be the first to admit it...

So I didn't break a law, there was no jail risk. There is no restraining order risk. There is no risk of her losing her job. Only other way it could have gone left is if dude or the other guy who ran outside hooked off on me on some Macho Man shyt, then that could've created a criminal potential but I would have been defending myself, because I didn't run down on them like that, and I like my chances with most people 1v1, period...

Let me reiterate this though,it wasn't worth not seeing my girl for the near future...

Sir she is a liar. Has lied to EVERYBODY. Willing to go to drastic measures to keep her lie going.
All the folks at work including her man thinks he ABANDONED his family

that had to be set straight
in front of everybody

imagine how many people thought he was the worst man alive?
he did the right thing

and I am very sure she expected him to be violent

EVERYBODY including his trusted friends were saying NOTHING was happening
she was telling his MOTHER they can work it out

fukk wrong with yall?
this not someone who made a mistake or some little shyt
she was ruining the mans reputation, mental health, and FUTURE

saying he should have just brushed it off is fukd up

what yall saying is he should have just "been a man" and not cry
fukk that

Thank you for understanding this point if view...

I know most people she works with. I used to work there. And while some guys say I shouldn't care, I have taken it personal that I've been depicted as abandoning her and my daughter, all the kids. I kept it a secret that I left. But I still made time for her and the kids and to support her...

I never abandoned her...

Alota guys in here seen to have missed the part where the straw that broke for me was her constant digging into my pockets, her petulance, her unappreciation. See the people who know is both don't know this part because I haven't worked there since July. Muhfukkas don't know everything, no should they...

And I'm trying to get to a place where I don't care, which I think 'can' be valuable. But I didn't like this smear campaign that surrounded me in recent months...

Also, selfishly, didn't accomplish much in the grand scheme of things, but putting her on blast in front of everyone that she stepped out on me felt good. Immature feeling? Probably. Made her feel a slice of the hurt I've felt, though...

It's all good now. I never have to go there again. People can take whichever side of it that they want to. But I'm able to start crossing this bridge alot easier now with her fully exposed...

 

[Lurkio]

@murksiderock

It’s time to grow up breh…I remember lurking and reading about you and your relationship problems (ik it was you coz it was a lot of fukkin words). If I recall u had a domestic w another woman (bm I think) and now here you are once again involved in another scene at a girls job where ppl are calling the police…wtf are you doing bruh…why are u always involved in these situations? These are the questions you should be asking yourself. You are always in dysfunctional relationships this is not an accident. You can blame the women and they seem to have issues but what draws you to them?
The bruh who with your girl now u noticed how he handled himself during all that nonsense you caused? Did he crash out? You a grown man dawg this did not need to happen for you to move on from this situation…in front of your kids too.

My advice to you is to be single for as long as it takes you to figure out why you keep ending up here. Why you choose to have relationships w these women. Most importantly though STOP having kids. You keep bringing kids into this world when you are unable to bring them up w/o major dysfunction…cut that shyt out

These are the harsh truths you need to hear.

 

[Uncouth Savage]

Are you op's alias?

Nah, I fully understand what he going through though.
To put it into perspective, from a street perspective.
Dude could have gotten run upon somewhere, or pulled out the house, and she could have been punched in the face by some strange woman.

Forget even about street shyt. Regular men, who never been in a fight, have taken disrespect very seriously.

Yeah I am in my feelings.

 

[Uncouth Savage]

Nah she not getting a restraining order, she know she'd be OD doing that. She ain't the type chick to go that route, I'd bet extremely, extremely low probability because she'd have to prove I'm a risk to her. A verbal, civil disturbance at work, a one-off, doesn't validate that...

Now what I have lost in the interim is time with my daughter. That'll change in the coming weeks, I believe. But I talked to her mom for 30 minutes last night and her mom said "you know she not letting you get the baby right now". In a vacuum am I okay with that, no. But it's okay, it'll reverse sooner than later. This ain't gonna be like a 2-3 month stretch I don't see my daughter, for a lot of reasons, but in part, I'm going outta town in less than 3 months (June 6) to Fort Worth for the summer, for work. That's 86 days from today. She not keeping my child from me for 3 months knowing I'll be gone at least 2...

So I won't see my youngest daughter for a few weeks. It'll happen soon and I'll keep sending my support until I can, ain't saying a word to her, no calls, no text. I'm good...

Also she ain't getting fired. She's a major/popular employee at her job, in tight with management, as in she's hung out with management outside of work. They'll probably question her about it I'm sure, but she'll put it all off on me and keep pushing. There's literally ZERO percent chance she gets fired by managers she's friends with...



This was unnecessary, in hindsight I agree...

However I didn't do anything to turn the shyt left. I didn't break any law, I was fully aware of that. The worst that could happen is she could tell her spot to ban me from coming up there, and I think her people will suggest it to her, bit I don't think she'll go that route. If I'm wrong I'll be the first to admit it...

So I didn't break a law, there was no jail risk. There is no restraining order risk. There is no risk of her losing her job. Only other way it could have gone left is if dude or the other guy who ran outside hooked off on me on some Macho Man shyt, then that could've created a criminal potential but I would have been defending myself, because I didn't run down on them like that, and I like my chances with most people 1v1, period...

Let me reiterate this though,it wasn't worth not seeing my girl for the near future...





Thank you for understanding this point if view...

I know most people she works with. I used to work there. And while some guys say I shouldn't care, I have taken it personal that I've been depicted as abandoning her and my daughter, all the kids. I kept it a secret that I left. But I still made time for her and the kids and to support her...

I never abandoned her...

Alota guys in here seen to have missed the part where the straw that broke for me was her constant digging into my pockets, her petulance, her unappreciation. See the people who know is both don't know this part because I haven't worked there since July. Muhfukkas don't know everything, no should they...

And I'm trying to get to a place where I don't care, which I think 'can' be valuable. But I didn't like this smear campaign that surrounded me in recent months...

Also, selfishly, didn't accomplish much in the grand scheme of things, but putting her on blast in front of everyone that she stepped out on me felt good. Immature feeling? Probably. Made her feel a slice of the hurt I've felt, though...

It's all good now. I never have to go there again. People can take whichever side of it that they want to. But I'm able to start crossing this bridge alot easier now with her fully exposed...

Seeing your last post I understood perfectly where you were at.
You know the TRUTH.
There is no "maybe its not like that"
That someone you know and love could lie to you, lie on you, every damn day to people yall both know
That is grimy.
Reputation is super important, especially if you were in the same field.
Folks would whisper and blacklist you for "doing that to your family/kids"

Once I fully understood what the situation was, I felt much much better.

 

[murksiderock]

@murksiderock

It’s time to grow up breh…I remember lurking and reading about you and your relationship problems (ik it was you coz it was a lot of fukkin words). If I recall u had a domestic w another woman (bm I think) and now here you are once again involved in another scene at a girls job where ppl are calling the police…wtf are you doing bruh…why are u always involved in these situations? These are the questions you should be asking yourself. You are always in dysfunctional relationships this is not an accident. You can blame the women and they seem to have issues but what draws you to them?
The bruh who with your girl now u noticed how he handled himself during all that nonsense you caused? Did he crash out? You a grown man dawg this did not need to happen for you to move on from this situation…in front of your kids too.

My advice to you is to be single for as long as it takes you to figure out why you keep ending up here. Why you choose to have relationships w these women. Most importantly though STOP having kids. You keep bringing kids into this world when you are unable to bring them up w/o major dysfunction…cut that shyt out

These are the harsh truths you need to hear.

I've heard them already, the harsh truths. Agree with them mostly...

The root of the issue is what draws me to women who are as dysfunctional as I am. And I agree that until I can figure that out I have to be single. I don't know the answer to that, so if you have a harsh truth on why this is, I'd love to hear it because that's the answer I'm seeking...

Another point about me:

I fall easily. I love hard, meaning when I commit to a woman I fully invest in her emotionally, financially, all the shyt. I put tremendous time and energy into it, and I think from jump, I struggle creating boundaries. Meaning, don't talk to me like this. No, I'm not okay doing that for you. Etc. I'm not really an arguer. I walk away from most arguments, the issue is I haven't walked off on them all and I should have...

I cater to these women and I think my demeanor in relationships gives the impression that I'm a pushover, so they being treating me like a doormat. And when I push back, it creates conflict, because in their eyes I've already shown an acceptance of whatever the topic is---->when from my end, it isn't acceptance, it's taking the out to prevent more conflict...

I've had a realization that these women perceive my behaviors as a weakness when it really isn't one. So the challenge is setting those boundaries early. I've never set boundaries early, the point at which I start setting them is always too late. And I'm encouraging myself to develop this for real time...

The other point, is heeding the warning signs. It's only so long muhfukkas can wear that mask, that's men and women alike. Some, like my first BM, can wear it longer than most, it's an uncanny skill. Some can only wear it for a few weeks. But when I see stuff popping up I gotta call it, identify it and move off from it instantly. Case in point:

My 2nd BM, after we'd had sex three or four times, she asked me to CashApp her like $120. So this is only a few weeks into us dating. I didn't do it, and it was an instant problem because she said "you must think I'm trying to take you, I'll give it back in a few days". Didn't give it but that right there, was a clear harbinger of things to come. And I could have swerved off right then but I kept fukking with her...

So there's always tells. I've historically ignored them all if I'm smitten with a woman. The challenge is identifying them on the spot and heeding them...

So these are the few major points I think will solve the extent of dysfunction I have. All are fixable. I see it. I'm closer than it appears on here, the real test is applying them to real time situations...

I shouldn't have done this in front of my kids. And yes that was a domestic incident with my first BM. Ultimately, look I understand we all have the right to perceive shyt differently, but these women are alot more dysfunctional than me. I could list my reasons why but I already acknowledged I do what I'm supposed to do I can stop putting myself in these situations...

Far as kids. Don't want anymore. Didn't want this third one. Got bullied into having her, and no I don't regret my daughter, she's now 18 months and I'm loving watching her development. But I git trapped into having this third baby, I've detailed on here in the past how...

 

[keon]

Just listen to some good ol fashioned R&B from back in the day..like this song was my shyt when I finally started getting over my ex

 

[bigde09]

but the lack of accountability on this woman annoys me...

The only lack of accountability I see here is from you. You are making excuses for embarrassing yourself the way you did.

Again, you have no one to blame but yourself. You need to grow up and I say that with love breh.

 

[Geode]

Damn at the update.

This is unfortunate. You tried. But this woman was never really interested in a relationship with you. She was on some BS when she got with you (wasn't she still dealing with her man, or had recently broken up?).

Similar to what I said when the baby was on the way-- good luck to you all. This seems like it will continue to be complicated.

 

[Ohene]

Took me roughly 5 years to get over losing my fiance. Time is the only thing that heals true heartbreak.

she passed? sorry to hear that fam
wish that on noone

 

[murksiderock]

Damn at the update.

This is unfortunate. You tried. But this woman was never really interested in a relationship with you. She was on some BS when she got with you (wasn't she still dealing with her man, or had recently broken up?).

Similar to what I said when the baby was on the way-- good luck to you all. This seems like it will continue to be complicated.

Yeah I lost her the way I got her, I know where this karma comes from. She had a man when I met her. She flirted with me first, tried to give me her number, I declined, then went thru her friend to get it to me...

I knew she had a man, and while I preached patience and waiting until that man was gone, I eventually gave in to my own temptations and starting messing with her while her man was still living with her...

Somewhere around the last two to three weeks that they were together, is when she and I started dating, and even before that I was still flirting with her, touching on her, so I crossed the line. Allowed myself to...

Part of the weight of this situation has been an instant recognizance, from the time I went over and homie answered the door, that I lost her the way I got her. I own that. Still a hard pill to swallow. But I own it...

And part of this weight is like, gotdamn, I get all my karma on the front end. These women I'm with keep skating. And I know I'm no one's Higher Power, but these chicks do all kind of foul shyt and keep getting away with it...

Life in general, I'm a HUGE believer that we always get back the energy we put out. Always. Karmic retribution. I have my reasons for it. And my most recent sins, I've gotten back thru losing the one woman I've been dumb in love with, wanted to marry, I get what's going on I'm q spiritual sense. I earned it. And yet it still burns me like, how many times this bytch gonna get to play with the nikkas in her life?

Thru her own words, she cheated on her baby dad, granted, she says he cheated first, but she admits she fired back. She cheated on her high school sweetheart by meeting her baby dad, then two kids later, her and high school sweetheart tried to make it work and she cheated on him with a woman, though she says he cheated first...

The guy after HS Sweetheart was the guy before me, who was a serial cheater, but she didn't wait for that relationship to end, she cheated with me before it did...

Then there's me, and she goes and starts cavorting with this guy while I'm gone, and when she got her "reason", went full steam ahead. But the romance or whatever you wanna call it, with this guy, started before her and I called it quits and of course it's kept going while she's denied it the entire time and told me she loves me and we can reconcile later...

Selfishly yesterday felt like a vengeance play, like I can't get her any other way. So I'll embarrass her dumb, lying ass at work. This chick trapped me into having a baby with her. Abused the benevolence I extended to her. And stepped out on me and allowed me to hang on while she did her dirt...

So no, and you remember the OG thread. This chick really wanted another child. I was the Next Man Up. Whoever Next Man was, was gonna be the BD. But my soft, gullible ass walked right into it...

Ending this relationship with finality is a blessing for me. It's a long term positive gain, a huge one. I'm clear on that. It's surviving the short term in the most responsible and secure manner possible. The short term feels like a loss. Then I remember why I wanted out with her in the first place...

I've allowed my ego to give this woman more relevance than she earned from me. It was never gonna last. I bear plenty of responsibility for that...

I think the complications post-breakup will be short term, too. Mayne a year or two or three. Our daughter is 18 months. I can see this getting easier really soon because I'm going to make it easier. Of I've learned anything from post-breakup with my first BM, it's minimize the arguments. It's impossible to say there will be no arguments, because I don't control what she says or does or throws in my direction. But I can minimize the altercations by not engaging in frivolous shyt I know she wanna debate about, and just being clear and straightforward with my own responses and intent with my daughter...

I have a game plan. It'll solidify as I get further removed from this relationship. And honestly I feel better today than I did yesterday. I realize some of the days going forward will be tougher to handle than others, but I'm about to attack this healing process hard. Starting in about an hour and a half when my big girls' mother comes to get them, I won't see them until next Friday, I'm finna attack this shyt, everything I've discussed in here, everything all of you have offered me about myself and my misgivings, I'm attacking this cleansing process hard than a muhfukka...

 

[mattw1313]

Yeah I lost her the way I got her, I know where this karma comes from. She had a man when I met her. She flirted with me first, tried to give me her number, I declined, then went thru her friend to get it to me...

I knew she had a man, and while I preached patience and waiting until that man was gone, I eventually gave in to my own temptations and starting messing with her while her man was still living with her...

you brought the rest on yourself bruh. become a better man and you'll attract better women.

as for her, she went back home to the streets. hold the L and come back stronger