My girlfriend and I had many trials and tribulations while living together, she refused to get help so I pretended to be her on a abuse forum desperately looking for a solution to our relationship woes. I'll share this with y'all to get a idea of what I was dealing with at home. Everything I wrote is exactly what my girlfriend told me she felt.
Hi all, I am an recent child sex abuse survivor who is 7 months removed from her 9 year dreaded ordeal. I am very thankful to find an forum with so many supportive people and wish all of you guys the best. Thank you in advance to everyone who takes the time out to read and reply back to my thread. It's an very long read, you've been warned.
1. Unlike a lot of other sexual abuse victims, I'm not that bothered by the sexual abuse... I remember it feeling wrong but I just kept telling myself that life could be much more worse to get thru it. I'm much more affected by his verbal and mental abuse. Everyone expects me to act an certain way or see him as a monster because of what he did, like super angry or upset but I don't. Why is it that it doesn't bother me as much as people think it should? To be honest, he was a minute man who didn't last longer than 5 minutes, his penis was small so I never really felt it and I faked it all the time. I never once was turned on... even a couple times I did try to get into it to make the ordeal better but still I was completely turned off with a very dry vagina. The worst part for me was kissing.. UGH it was so bad because he had rotten teeth and horrible cigarette breath. The only sexual hang up I have was that my Uncle had a very hard time getting it up and I always sucked his dikk to get it up. I can't stand the sight or putting soft penises in my mouth, it really puts me off and reminds me of him. When it happened, I just told myself that a lot of people out there has it way worse to me and I didn't have to put up with it for long.
The abuse only happened in his room and no where else... He didn't dear try it anywhere else. Also the sex was strictly sex, he would gesture for me to do things and wasn't verbal during the acts... I think because he was non verbal, I'm able to have sex very normally with no problems.
What hurts me is that having this person take care of you half your life and then their just gone like that and don't want anything to do with you when all you tried to do is make them happy no matter how much you became unhappy in the process. This is what hurts me the most with my Uncle and him never believing in me when I was joining the Army.
2. When I ran away, everyone thought I was just being an rebellious teen... including my boyfriend. When I heard my boyfriend sharing a laugh with the woman who was watching over me at the time reflecting on being the same way they thought I was being at the time, it hurt. Later that night, I broke down and confided to my boyfriend what my uncle did to me for years. He got super upset and said he suspected what was going on which was true because he kept asking me was everything ok at home leading up to me leaving, asking was my uncle physically hurting me but I always told him no and I was ok... He said he didn't feel comfortable asking was I being molested because I did paint my Uncle to my boyfriend as an world class upstanding gentlemen so he didn't wan't to disrespect me.
I had my boyfriend promise not to tell anyone because I was over it already, it didn't really bother me.... Well months later my boyfriend told my parents what my uncle (my mothers brother) did to me at an family gathering in private which left me devastated. Again, up until this point, what my Uncle did didn't even bother me but once my family found out, I felt like such a shytty disgusting person. Just wanted to curl up and die. I hated my boyfriend so much for this! Felt that he stabbed me in the back, He was selfish, didn't care how I felt or how it would affect me and only did what made him feel better. Did he stab me in the back?
I feel that my boyfriend ruined my relationship with my Uncle. Even tho we weren't on good terms, I still had contact with my Uncle up until this point. My boyfriend took all that away from me. He even confronted my Uncle over the phone. it was crazy, whenever I did something my Uncle didn't like, he would call or text saying "I'm a piece of shyt, I won't do anything with my life, I don't care about him, bytch" etc immediately. Not this time, instead of doing that, he just stopped contacting me but contacted everyone in the family trying to save face by telling them I was lying.
My Uncle never threatened me or told me not to tell.... I guess he got me trained so good he just knew I would never tell but once my boyfriend told, I know that hurt him immensely. I feel really bad for him and hope he won't hurt his self. I just feel so sorry for him since he didn't live a good life.
I didn't want my parents to know because they were the catalysts that put me in this situation which is why I resent them so much. There was a positive out of it, I never told anyone before because I always thought no one would believe me but my whole family believed reached out in support of me.
3. Even tho I was child, I can't come to terms that my uncle "raped" me because at times I would initiate sex with him to make him feel better and get him to talk to me. I feel dirty and disgusting now I'm away from that situation but at the time, even tho something tugged at me saying this was wrong, it was normal at the time to me. I can't get over being an willing participant.
4. Was it a cry for help? My boyfriend says I couldn't of kept this secret forever and I was going to break some day. I don't think so at all and we just see things differently. When I told him of the abuse, I wasn't looking for sympathy, I just wanted to prove him wrong... Throughout our relationship, I did drop hints to him here and there, like truths mixed with lies so he didn't know what I was fully talking about. I do remember beginning to a couple older trusted family members but they discouraged me from telling before I was finished by just saying just keep it to yourself before I cause myself and others more trouble.
5.Despite what my Uncle did to me, he's still a good guy who wanted to see me do good in life but my boyfriend disagrees with me vehemently... He pieced me and my uncles relationship together saying he groomed and manipulated me from a little baby till now to get what he wanted. I'll tell you what my boyfriend said and let me know what you guys think.
My Dad was away from home alot and my Mom was stressed out watching over us rowdy kids so they let the Uncle move in with us because he needed a place to stay and he could help out. We didn't respect my mom or dad at all but we were terrifeid of our Uncle. What ever he told us to do, we did. My Uncle was a family man and he did nice things for me and my brothers trying to hold close relationships. I spent a lot of time in my Uncles room with the door closed. My boyfriend says that was totally inappropriate, no child should be in any room with the doors closed. In my house, we respected privacy and didn't barge in on closed doors. I do remember my Dad telling me he didn't like me being in there so much and to stop it but I didn't...
My Uncle didn't touch me or do anything in appropriate... He'd just let me hang out on his cool comfy chair and talk to me unlike my parents. My Uncle gave my brothers and I money to buy candy from the store and he brought us school clothes. I always thought my Uncle treated us all equally but after my boyfriend asked me some questions and I thought about it.. He did treat me a little different. My uncle would give my brothers like a couple of dollars for candy but would give me lots of money. My Uncle brought us school clothes but I he kept my school clothes in his room and I was only allowed to put them on in his room but my brothers didn't. My boyfriend says he was grooming me.
When I was 9 or 10 years old. My Dad and Mom got into a fight which resulted him leaving to get drunk at the bar. He came back in an drunken stupor and started touching me while I pretended to sleep. Once he stopped, I got up screaming hysterically telling my Mom what he did. I can't remember what happened but everything went to normal the following day. About a week or two later, my uncle told me I had to sleep in his room because sleeping with a bunch of boys (my brothers) wasn't right. I slept on the floor but I remember him calling me to bed and thats when he first molested me. He just touched me and kissed me.
It only happened once and again everything was back to normal. I didn't scream or tell this time because I felt like since my Dad did it and now my Uncle did it, this is whats supposed to happen in life I guess. About 2 months pass, life was going great and then suddenly my life changed dramatically. I was at school, was called out of class and escorted by police to talk to a school nurse or therapist telling her what my Dad did to me. CYS was called and they told my mother that either my Dad leaves the home or I go, sadly my Mother chose my Father over me. My aunt who lived 7 hours away said I can move in with her. I don't understand why this happened, I was a good girl in school and I wasn't acting out at home. The abuse didn't bother me because it only happened once with my dad and uncle.
What happened was my Uncle told an Aunt who didn't like my mother that "I wasn't doing ok" and told her what my Dad did conviently leaving out that he did it too. The aunt called CYS to get back at my mom... not because she cared about me or what happened. Once I moved away, this Aunt who called CYS never once called me and asked how I was doing. My boyfriend says my Uncle masterminded this all along in a sick way. He touched me to test the waters, he waited the outcome and seen that I wouldn't tell. My uncle wanted to do things to me but risked getting caught in a house with so many people so he had to get you away some how. He knew my aunt didn't like my mom so he told her. He also knew my mom would choose my dad over me because she was always desperate for men in her life. It kinda does make sense to me...
When I was plucked away from my family and moved 7 hours away to the middle of no where now living with my Aunt, her husband and there daughter. My Uncle moved in with us a year later because he said "he didn't want me to be lonely with these new people" My new family were super religious, I wasn't allowed to do anything at all. No make up, no shorts, because I have big boobs, they would always say I was trying to be a slut showing my boobs which I couldn't help, not allowed any friends, just locked up in a house all day with nothing to do.
My Uncle was the only thing I had. He was very hard on me at times, very controlling, demanding with an bad attitude. When he was mad at me, he would ignore me up to a whole week which fukked me up in the head. The only thing that would make him feel better was if I came to his room and had sex with him. This became my daily ritual. My boyfriend again, said this was manipulation to get what he wanted. My Aunt didn't allow me to have a phone so my Uncle secretly brought me one, once in a while, he'd take it away from me but say if I did something with him, i could use it. My phone was my only outlet other than him so I would do it.
He would also constantly tell me how I was the only thing he had and say how much he hates it where he lives, saying he's going back to where we used to live. I would cry my eyes out begging him to stay, cuddle with him and do things with him so he would stay. My boyfriend said again, more mind games to keep you where he wanted me and to get what he wanted.
6. Do you think my Aunt and Uncle knew... more specifically my Aunt? All of our rooms were upstairs, at times we would be having sex and we could hear my Aunt walking to the bathroom. At times we'd stop and he'd tell me to be quiet until we heard her go back to her room. She kept her tv in her room really loud so she couldn't hear us. My boyfriend said she has to be the dumbest person alive not to know what was going on and she is just as guilty as my Uncle because she did know... I do remember a couple times we resumed having sex thinking she went back to her room but a couple times she lingered around then we heard foot steps as we were doing it. Also a couple times she'd come to his door, he'd have to throw on his clothes really quick telling her "just a minute" and my uncle would open the door barely and my aunt could see me on the way side of the bed under the covers. I don't think my Aunt knew because everyone knew my Uncle and I had a super close relationship. My boyfriend says that's all the more reason she should of suspected something.
7. I refuse to see an therapist, my experience with one at 9 years old was so horrible and I refuse to go thu that degrading shyt again. I don't think they help and I feel much more comfortable talking to family about what I'm going thru. Well my boyfriend and I've got into some very nasty fights... even got physically a few times because of me.... I would hit him a lot... sometimes up to 20 times in one day I would slap him in the face just because I perceived him doing something wrong. His is a super ultra patient man but a couple times he politely asked me to stop hitting him but I kept doing it to press his buttons and snapped back by slapping the force out my face. We've gotten much better since those dark times but the other day we had another argument.
It was like he gave up on me like everyone else. He said "I can't do this anymore! I'm not a professional or an expert you need to get pro help! I can't help you, I don't know what your going thru and I'm not trained to do it" That really hurt... I just can't bring myself to go to therapy.
Care to explain?
It was like as if they were waiting for the other shoe to drop and see some sort of malicious or domineering side to me that I tried to hide with being so so overtly affectionate in order to bring their guard down or somethin'. Your other points are valid as fukk, though, cheers for clarifying.
That really hurt me because that thougt lingered in my 11 year old mind...