I cried at least 8 or 9 times the first 2 days after it happened. And I still find myself in disbelief that he is gone, but now I'm flat out angry! It seems like every couple of hours I'll just shake my head and yell "fukk!" at the top of my lungs and look for the closest thing I can find to punch.
Between this and what happened to Nip, I'm cool on the subject of God and religion. I was listening to some prime music on the way home and I was actually taking my mind of it for a bit and then Jhene Aiko "Eternal Sunshine" came on and I had to pull my truck over. This really has me fukkED UP!!!!
I realized the grief, the anger, God's will, none of that shyt matters. Because the fact of the matter is, all I want is for Bean to be here BREATHING and no amount of tears or prayer or anger is going to bring him back!
This may not mean anything to you, but it means something to me to share this with you, my brother.
I know how you feel. This death had me in immediate tears. I’m not going to pretend, Sunday was a terrible day - you see my Kobe thread, I felt like I knew him and my close friend grew up with him, so I just KNEW we would connect, and almost did - but now never will.
My life changed in 2005. If you knew me offline or followed my story on social media, it was the worst year of my existence.
I was 21 and my mother died. In front of me - like I literally had to watch her take her last breaths. Not my brother. Not my sister. Not my father. Me. I had to touch a cold body. I was the last person to speak to her and I told her it was ok to let go and I got everyone and she passed.
Not only did I lose my mother, but that was the second mother I “lost”. Because she was the one who took me in as a baby and adopted me. My first mother got rid of me.
I said, I am 21 and already lost two mothers, while everyone is arguing or hanging out with theirs. And my mother took care of babies and was the best person everyone still says they ever knew.
My father went into a desperation and he’s like a saint. My family is/was poor. Nothing seemed fair. Not for one year but for many. And there’s so much more I’m leaving out -
But one day I took that damn energy and used it to make someone feel better. A kid. An adult. Locked up. Homeless - man, we are still here on this Earth and we gotta make people feel like they are worth it while they are here.
Damn all that anger and hate and confusion. God is in you. God is in me. I better exhaust that energy while I have it.
Kobe had terrible days. You think he didnt cry and hurt? He channeled that into becoming a dominant force, but that’s not even impressive - the most impressive thing is he channeled it into making hundreds of people, famous and normal, feel incredible in real life - the amount of stories of what he has done for people seem like Kobe was actually 5 people at the same time.
You can do that and you can be that.
That’s the real Mamba mentality. To be great. Feel pain but channel it. That’s what I’m going to do every minute I’m still here. You can too.