Throughout the relationship he would say and do things and then gaslight me when I would ask what was going on.. He would make me think I was crazy for suspecting things I had heard or had seen. Come to find out, everything that I would bring up was actually true. The more I would see and hear things, the more I would bring it up. The anger and rage were ramping up. He would say and do things to manipulate me, so I wouldn’t bring certain issue up. A few examples of using power and control, cancel trips, tell me to move on a regular basis and would tell me I made him do it because I wouldn’t stop arguing. Basically, the things I would hear and suspect, which were true, I wasn’t allowed to mention or I would deal with some ramification It got worse as time went on.. The pathological lying, cheating, smearing my name and seeking validation and sympathy from the various females he was preying on, kept getting more and more frequent. He would word certain text where he there was plausible deniability but with everything else, it was so clear. After the relationship, others confirmed various things I was suspect to. That is part of the crazy making with narcissist abuse. One night I confronted him very calm about a lie he had just told me straight to my face. What happened next was a rage that I had never witnessed to that magnitude. He was becoming a person I had never seen before. The next morning, he came into the room I was sleeping in. I was laying across the bed with my headphones on, listening to podcast on my phone. He said he was about to leave town for the weekend and told me to take the trash out. Given the explosive outrage that occurred the night before, I just should shook my head yes. I didn’t look up at him or saying anything. That is when he tried to drag me off the bed by my legs and feet, screaming “bytch you answer when I am talking to you. I said take out the trash, your a bad guest (even though we were living in the same place). He kept trying to drag me off the bed, telling me to get the fukk out of his house, over and over. I froze. He had to leave and get on the plane. He knocked the shoe off my foot and told me I better be gone when he gets back (which was in two days). This happened in 2016. The gaslighting, manipulation, name calling and cheating started in 2014. By time the physical abuse occurred, I was dealing with the PTSD full blown. I secured an apartment within those two days. I borrowed the money I needed and spent that whole weekend searching for an apartment until I found one. I couldn’t move in until a couple months. During the waiting period he asked me several times to please not move out, he would reimburse me for the deposit. In my gut, I knew it was the right thing to do and said “no”.
I saw him morph into a totally different person and was still worried about him. I told him I would go with him if he wanted to get help. There were statements he made that had me afraid for him. We discussed working on our issues and just living in separate spaces. At that moment I was open to that. Things were happening so fast and I still didn't realize I was dealing with PTSD and had no idea what narcissist abuse was.
He would ask me to stay at his house (most of my stuff was still there) he would come home. The behavior became more irrational and I was truly worried. We were suppose to work on the issues that were occurring in the relationship but more and more odd behavior and texting to various women continued.
Toward the end, I discovered he would have me stay the night and the next night have one of the females he had been cheating on me withal, stay the night.
I needed answers (I am dealing with complex PTSD so nothing seems clear). The last night I stayed the night, ever, I got up in the middle of the night, found one of the ladies scarf and a grocery bag with her name on it. I looked at his text and saw a mountain of lies after lies. Not just to me, but to each of the females. He would send us all the same text in a row. He would lie to one of the women about why he couldn’t see her or go to a movie, etc. but invited me over to go to a movie. That is one example of several. There is much more that I could share but I Won't at this time. I couldn’t believe this was the person I had been involved with. I was in shock. It was a totally different person. I told him he was lying to not only me but these other women. He wasn’t allowing any of to make a choice with the most sacred parts of who we are. After I found out, there was no remorse. In fact, he continued the lies. He victim shamed me, said I had responsibility in his choices. This is still what he says to this day. About a few days later, the sent me a message stating that if I missed him, we could work it out. That blew me away. For a year and half after I left the relationship for good, he would send text telling me he missed me, he loved me and regretted me leaving. He told me, I would probably regret losing you for the rest of my life. I knew I would never go back. When I would mention what he did or refuse to take him back, I would receive heartless, mean messages or long periods of silence. It took me six months to finally get all my belongings from his place. The silent periods, changing plans, his schedule, needs, etc. left me connected to the trauma for six more months.
When I confronted him about all the lies and texts I saw, he first said I was crazy. I hung up the phone after he made that statement and began sending the screen shots to him. I was met with a cold response, he had no remorse. That was the day I ended it for good . In fact, Given everything that happened, he had the nerve to blame for invading his privacy because I was looking at his text. Invading his privacy and invading his secrecy are two different things in my book. These secrets have serious implications for a person’s health and overall life.
The blaming, taking no responsibility, victim shaming, cruel behavior each time I confronted him, with several attempts to get me to come back to the relationship, lasted this past year and half..
When I mentioned writing about this experience in my memoir, he tried to intimidate and threaten me. After those threats, I would call a couple friends, for about a month after he made them, everytime I left my place, just in case something were to happen to me. I was still dealing with the trauma and aftermath at this time.
I couldn’t silence my gut, in spite of what was happening to me as a result of the gaslighting, constant ups and downs with his moods (which began my ups and downs), the possibility of actually finding something that would end the relationship, I couldn’t ignore the voice inside, telling me something isn’t right. When things were slowly being revealed, he asked me why I wouldn’t stop asking him for the truth. I was met with pushback, circular conversation, manipulation or the silent treatment, each time I would bring it up, then blame me for bringing things up.
I was not the only person impacted by this situation. My kids were also impacted. I tried to hide it from them for several months. They knew something wasn't right with me when they came to visit but were not quite sure. I told them I was just dealing with depression, that I would be ok. That is until they were using my computer and found substantial evidence showing that I was in an abusive relationship. Imagine how your own children would feel if they found out someone abused their mother. I could barely care for myself much less deal with their pain. They wanted to confront him and ask him why, they wanted to make it public and I had to plead with them and tell them it wouldn't be good for me, if they did that. They did sent him a text stating they knew what he did to their mom and few other words. I couldn’t stop them from doing that. They also were in shock to watch friends and people who they knew who were part of the political world, sit back and be silent. They watched people who were aware, never reach out, ask if it was true, there were even people willing to find dirt and smear me, all to protect him. That is cruel to do to anu human. Regardless of what a person has or has not done, doesn’t mean they deserve abuse. We see this happen in our criminal justice system everyday. Watching all this, was a wake up call for them, as far as politics and the real world. When things like this happen to a person and family, the last thing they are thinking about is a political party or who is using their pain for political points.
I have offered him restorative justice and for him to seek some sort of help for over a year and half. He would not take me up on it. I told him I have not lost sight of his humanity and he deserved to take that time for himself to heal. I told him time and time again, I didn’t want to share my story publicly, it was more important for healing and restoration to occur with this situation. I told him not only he deserved it, but his family and constituents deserve it as well. For me, that alone would have been justice as far as my situation. But no matter how many times I offered, he wouldnt take me up on it.
Part of living an authentic life and taking back your freedom, means breaking your silence, if that is what feels right for you. I made a vow to my kids and my grandkids that I would do what was in my power to leave a better world for them. They are who I owe my loyalty to first. I don’t want them to inherit the pain and violence patriarchy breeds to individuals and the collective. No amount of victim shaming, smearing, etc. can hurt as bad as living a life of fear, shame and secrecy.
This issue impacts all of us. Little girls and boys are still getting the message this behavior is ok. They watch this happen at home and internalize the messages we send to them. This is an American issue. Our boys and men are hurting due to patriarchy, and hurt people, hurt people. You don’t do anyone any favors by minimizing or protecting abuse. Holding a person up to a standard they deserve for themselves, is love with justice. Dismissing their humanity isn’t the answer either. Creating a safe space and resources to help our boys and men to find their individual and collective humanity, from the same oppressive systems, is part of rooting out patriarchy. The oppressor and the ones who are oppressed, are often bound by the same oppressive system. It impacts each differently but it still erodes all humanity. But this can be the generation that changes it for the next. We all have to decide what part of history we want to be on.
Shout out for my kids for being there through those difficult times, even when you weren’t sure what was happening and to my foster mom for being a lifelong advocate for domestic abuse and children.
-Karen Monahan
This some shyt you say in battle rap when you got a perfectly crafted round ready to body your opponent lol.
