Is the shortage of eligible black men a reality?
Kecia, a cute, ambitious, labor lawyer from Chicago, has ditched the idea that she can nab a man with the same focused determination that she used to build her career. At 40, she has watched her dating pool shrink to the point of being almost non-existent. Now, she would just settle for a comfortable, long-term relationship. "My goal was to be married by 30 but I really had a hard time finding men that fit all of my requirements. I want some one who's college-educated, with a professional career and his own home. I haven't given up but I don't think that they're enough men out there for all of us."
Sound familiar? Kecia's story is being played out all over the country and the situation shows no signs of slowing down. Women everywhere are complaining about the dwindling numbers of eligible men, but when it comes to African-American women, the situation seems to be even more serious. According to data from the National Survey of Family Growth, Department of Health & Human Services 2002 report, African-American women are less likely to marry by age 30, more likely to have shorter marriages and divorce at higher rates than any other group. Only 75% of African-American women are likely to marry at some point in their lives, compared to 91% of Caucasian women. As far as the eligibility of available African-American men, according to 2002 U.S. Census Bureau data, African-American women age 25 and over are more likely to have earned a bachelor's degree than their male counterparts. So does this mean that most single African-American women are doomed to spend their lives without a companion? Not if she chooses to broaden her perceptions about what makes a suitable mate.
Harrowing statistics aside, the numbers point to only part of the story. Important qualities such as honesty, a good work ethic and respect are not measured in these surveys but they are just as important as economics when selecting a qualified partner. What the issue boils down to is not the numbers of available, eligible African-American men but the definition that African-American women assign to "eligible."
"I get the 20 question routine all of the time," says David, a handsome African-American entrepreneur based in St. Louis, who at 38, is in no hurry to form a committed relationship. "Women just meet me and they want to know how much I make, where I live, what kind of car I have. They say they just want a good man that has a job but the truth is they're looking for someone to finance their lifestyles and I'm not the one."
So what's wrong with wanting a man with earning power? Nothing, if that's not your only focus. Qualities such as compatibility, similar values, and interests and intelligence should be just as important. Fixating on superficial criteria such as job status and income only limits the relationship options for single African-American women.
"Black women are far more educated and tend to hold higher professional positions than Black men," says Audrey Edwards, a Washington, D.C. based therapist and authority on African-American relationships. "When Black men are educated, they do earn more than the women but there are so few of them. There are not a lot to pick from. When Black women insist on men with the same status, they are eliminating most of their dating pool."
This is precisely what happened to Kecia and other women like her. Women who cling to a rigid fantasy of a wealthy, professional man as the only kind of man that will qualify as a mate, set themselves up for disappointment. This attitude has created huge groups of bitter, unattached women. Dawn, a 27-year-old editor who lives in San Diego, learned to value substance over the superficial, the hard way. "When I got my first job at a small community newspaper, there was this sweet guy who wasn't afraid to show that he was crazy about me," she says. "He sent me flowers, drove me to work and surprised me with small gifts. I liked him but he was only a retail clerk. I couldn't see myself with him long-term so I broke up with him after a year. He got married a few years later and he's still married. I haven't had a good relationship since. I've met guys with good positions but none that were as considerate or interested in a one-on-one relationship. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have let him get away."
Michael, a 28-year-old Milwaukee construction worker, is familiar with this scenario as well. He says that women often overlook him when they find out what he does for a living. "I'm honest and hard-working but that's not really what it's about," he says. "Women will walk right past me to a man with a flashy car and clothes. It doesn't matter that these are men that usually already have lots of women. They'll try to get with him and then complain when they find out that he's a player."
According to Chapman, it's not the numbers of available African-American men but the attitudes of African-American women that are the real problem. "The statistics and the negative messages from the media do affect their expectations, she says. "The largest effect however, is attitude. Cynicism, rage and materialism are just some of the attitudes that block African-American women from attracting available men."
In 2001, Chapman wrote
"Seven Attitude Adjustments for Finding a Loving Man" (PocketBooks), expressly to address this issue. "I'm not saying that men don't have attitudes, too, but women who want to be in relationships have to work on themselves and open up their options."
That's what Kim, a media consultant and statuesque Atlanta beauty, did. At 34, she had accumulated a host of attitudes and unrealistic expectations that she realized were affecting her chances at a healthy relationship. "I would only go out with men who had professional positions and drove late model, expensive cars. I expected to go to the trendiest places and if a man couldn't take me there, I wouldn't have anything to do with them," she says. Kim attracted lots of superficial men who had the same limited expectations that she did. By 30, she had gone through several unhappy situations. She realized that something was wrong; with her. "What was the variable?" She asks. I was the one in bad relationship after bad relationship so I knew it was something I was doing." She promptly stopped dating, analyzed what kind of person that would make her happy and became that person. I liked to laugh and have fun and that has nothing to do with money or position," she says. Kim dropped the attitude and now she attracts men who have a good sense of humor and warm personalities.
Chapman agrees with this point. "Mothers have to socialize little girls differently," she says. "They have to tell them that they should be open to men of character, period. It doesn't matter what his economy is."
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