Is running away an option for my cousin? EDIT *Talked to my cousin to wait a little while longer*

[ZoeGod]

Dayum how old is his lil bro?
Seems like pops is just trying to maintain control at all costs.
A real dad should be taking pride in making his son into a self-sufficient man, not trying to cripple him in order to maintain control.
Your cousin needs to confront him like a man, even if that means it comes to blows
...But not before he's financially and mentally/emotionally ready to venture out on his own b/c too much dependency is crippling. I know some Indians in my class (grad school) that don't even know how to do their own laundry

His little bro is 18. His father came to America before my dad in 79. He never went to college tho. He came and struggled. Also he came to NY at a time it was bad and that traumatize him. So he is scared and paranoid gor his kids. I just think he is too irrational and scared.

 

[JSmoove29]

I'm Haitian once I turned 16 I had to take my own life into my own hands. I can't blame your cousin but his parents did a number on him. Hopefully he gets an education and a job and gets the hell away from home. He needs to leave to develop himself he has a lot to see and some growing up to do

 

[ZoeGod]

I'm Haitian once I turned 16 I had to take my own life into my own hands. I can't blame your cousin but his parents did a number on him. Hopefully he gets an education and a job and gets the hell away from home. He needs to leave to develop himself he has a lot to see and some growing up to do

Yeah he is nil. I mean no work experience so that is hurting him. I told him to get a job and still go to school. Hell i told him to get into an accelerated nurisng program. In my opinion he has to leave cuz he is 24 and soon 25 at some point he needs to take his life into his own hands. He made up his mind and is determined to leave.

 

[ZoeGod]

So I spoke to him yesterday and told him that he needs to find a job first before he leaves and that he needs to prepare for every scenario. He told me that he will do that but he can't stay at home much longer. He told me his pops started yelling at his moms cuz he feels she doesnt do enough for him. Kinda crazy she cooks and goes to work aand is the sole breadwinner. My cousin says he needs to find his own happiness and is miserable at home. No money,no job expereince,no women. He feels his prime years are passing by and he feels total seperation is needed. He told something too that his lil bro wants to leave and too. His lil bro wants to join the navy and get away from his pops. My uuncle is mad strict but now I learned he is delusional,emotional,an a$$hole and has no idea h eis killing his kids confidence and future by being stubborn. So my cousin plans to leave around March. I told him he needs to make things in order b4 he goes. But he seems determined to leave and has made up his mind.

 

[Cabbage Patch]

He never mentions his moms tho. I guess shengets along with it. She seemed cool to me but he never tells me much what his moms think of. He just tells me that his dad yells at his moms contatnly that is it.

His mother - your aunty- s opinion is meaningless in that family because she's a woman.

Hes going to do his bride to be like his father does his mother.

He needs to leave. Just go. Dont look back. Talking to his parents is a stall tactic to be convinced not to grow up.

He can live with you if he fails on the outside. But i dont think he will.

 

[TLR Is Mental Poison]

So I spoke to him yesterday and told him that he needs to find a job first before he leaves and that he needs to prepare for every scenario. He told me that he will do that but he can't stay at home much longer. He told me his pops started yelling at his moms cuz he feels she doesnt do enough for him. Kinda crazy she cooks and goes to work aand is the sole breadwinner. My cousin says he needs to find his own happiness and is miserable at home. No money,no job expereince,no women. He feels his prime years are passing by and he feels total seperation is needed. He told something too that his lil bro wants to leave and too. His lil bro wants to join the navy and get away from his pops. My uuncle is mad strict but now I learned he is delusional,emotional,an a$$hole and has no idea h eis killing his kids confidence and future by being stubborn. So my cousin plans to leave around March. I told him he needs to make things in order b4 he goes. But he seems determined to leave and has made up his mind.

I feel for your aunt

The lil bro should go to the air force, not the Navy. Other than that I think biding his time is the smart move. Bigger issue is even if he gets a job he may not be able to move out. NYC is $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. He should make a long term plan of getting out of that whole area. That could be problematic though.

 

[Claudex]

Apologies for the long post, but this is a very fragile situation that requires great care and thought.

You're his cousin, so first sit down with him and tell him that ultimately he will need to sit down with his pops about leaving the house. It's his responsibility as a son and a crucial step because it will assert to his father and himself that he is not the type of man to go behind anyone's back.
Starting the habit of "running away" can cost a man dearly in the long run. Today you're running from your father, tomorrow you're running from your wife and kids. Announcing your departure is a staple of manhood everywhere; it shows courage, civility, and overall mastery of the self.

Secondly, assure him that his father won't do anything reckless to the family. It's quite clear that the man's bark is too loud (if you know the proverb).
If he tries to argue with you about "Oh you don't know how my father is..." check him by telling him that if things are that bad then he has to call the authorities for the well-being of the family. It's his duty as the elder son to eliminate any and every threat to the well-being of his younger siblings (since they are the future of the family, not the mother or father). What he can't do is nothing.

Thirdly, help him get a job (either by connects or motivation). Once he lands the job, make sure he really has a place to stay with the other cousin or he can find a place to rent cheap. Only then can he tell – not ask: TELL – his father he's bouncing.The trick is for him to have everything set up to move the night he announces his departure. Also, don't let him announce his departure in an eventful date, it's best to do it in a normal night.

For this last step he can refer to the scene in the movie "There Will Be Blood" where H.W. Plainview tells his father that he's leaving with his wife to Mexico. He can just say that he's found a place and he intends to start his life. Tell him to thank his father for making sure that he always had a roof, food and above all an education. He can complete by stating that it is now time he create the conditions for the prosperity of his own children. Tell him to keep it short and simple, to let his father have a say after he's done and to leave to never come back.

Should all of the above be done correctly, no matter how controlling his father is he will:

1. Have no grounds to hold him back;
2. Have no grounds to chastise his son for this decision;
3. Create a healthy pattern for his siblings to follow;
4. Help his mother understand that in some ways she failed them by not speaking up, hopefully causing her to pick up her slack.

 

[Claudex]

I'm Haitian once I turned 16 I had to take my own life into my own hands. I can't blame your cousin but his parents did a number on him. Hopefully he gets an education and a job and gets the hell away from home. He needs to leave to develop himself he has a lot to see and some growing up to do

Chris.B is that you...?

 

[ZoeGod]

I feel for your aunt

The lil bro should go to the air force, not the Navy. Other than that I think biding his time is the smart move. Bigger issue is even if he gets a job he may not be able to move out. NYC is $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. He should make a long term plan of getting out of that whole area. That could be problematic though.

The one that wants to move away says if worst comes to worst he will enlist to airforce actually.

 

[JSmoove29]

Chris.B is that you...?

No this is my first account

 

[.༼-◕_◕-༽.]

I told the story of my cousin in Long Island in another thread but I'll go in depth. Anway the premise of my thread is that my cousin told me last night via text he has made palns to get away from his parents by the end of this week. Let me tell you the story of how it came to this. My cousin is 24 and has a lil bro. His parents are strict haitians espcially the father who is my uncle and my pops younger brother. Anyway he is a virgin,never kissed a girl but he isnt lame tho. He has plenty of friends,has alot of girls who are friends but never got laid. He told me he has lied to his freinds that he gets females and is not a virgin. Now the reason he is a virgin is many things. In High school my uncle never allowed him to go out and hang out with friends nor did he allow him to date. So it was always school and then home. He would lie to go chill with his friends but he couldnt stay out past 6pm.
There was plenty of chicks in high school that wanted him but he couldnt do anything because of the constraints his pops put him under. He was allowed to go dorm for college so he went to a CUNY school. He went to Queensboro. In college he was allowed to date at 21. So for two years he couldnt do anything. Once he turned 21 my uncle said "You can go date BUT you have to tell three weeks in advance so I can give you money to go on that date." My cousin was like . Thing is my uncle doesnt allow him to get a job and ear his own money. My uncle has this thing that a student should focus on shcool alone and not get a job. He says in kreyol that money and education doesnt mix. My haitian brehs and brehettes know that haitian parents speak in parables alot. Anway so he has no work expereince at 24, never been with a women and feels miserable. He straight up told me that his pops is a very bad temper and would go on rants against him,his lil bro and his moms. Now his pops got glaucoma and cant work so money is tight and he cant even depend on his pops for money for dates in the first place.

He made up his mind to get out. He is going to be living with another one of our cousins in Queens. Thing is he is worried what his father will do cuz his father has a very violent temper and is worried about his mom and lil bro. Is he right to move away. He is 24 and an adult and is miserable where he is at in life. He wants to get a job and get his master in Public Health so he is ambitious. He is very optomistic though he knows things will get better. He never wanted to commit that. So is he wrong to get away or should he suck it up and stay?

When he gets that MPH he will be eating good. Especially if he speaks Kreyol. I understand the perspective of his father- he's trying to protect him. He's just too aggressive for what your cousin wants to deal with. I'm Native Black, but I have lots of international peoples and they don't want their children swallowed by the beast and end up with the problems stereotypically happening in America. My international peoples go HARD in the paint on their kids, but looks like his Pops is going too hard. What do your parents think of this? Also you keep mentioning being a virgin. Nothing wrong with a man being a virgin. There's a time and place for everything and until he is fully emotionally released from his father's domain and control he shouldn't be making relationship decisions.

 

[Jesus Shuttlesworth]

When you're 24, it's not running away. It's called growing the fukk up.

 

[.༼-◕_◕-༽.]

Double post

 

[Claudex]

Double post

Don't think it was a double post...I was about to rep you too for it.

 

[ZoeGod]

When he gets that MPH he will be eating good. Especially if he speaks Kreyol. I understand the perspective of his father- he's trying to protect him. He's just too aggressive for what your cousin wants to deal with. I'm Native Black, but I have lots of international peoples and they don't want their children swallowed by the beast and end up with the problems stereotypically happening in America. My international peoples go HARD in the paint on their kids, but looks like his Pops is going too hard. What do your parents think of this? Also you keep mentioning being a virgin. Nothing wrong with a man being a virgin. There's a time and place for everything and until he is fully emotionally released from his father's domain and control he shouldn't be making relationship decisions.

My pops and my uncle are brothers. They both strict and shyt but they dont have a close relationship. They call each other from time to time but my pops has a dont get involved type of attitude but he hates how my uncle is operating with his family.My pops is sterict but he learned to let loos as I gotten ilder because he raised me right and trusted me. My mom doesnt like my uncle. She calls him a haitian term "bete noire." What is your opinion on this matter tho. Should he just move out? Or stick it out. I dont think he can stick it out cuz my uncle is very stubborn,old fashioned and not willing to change.