A lot of people are missing the point I think. I similarly have these feelings often, wavering between nihilism just pessimism. I'm currently in therapy, and I have bible study with a friend and his father who is a pastor. I have a kindle and just downloaded a bunch of books that people recommended I randomly started on
I'm only on chapter 2 but so far I highly recommend it. Here's a quote from the book.
"If I worked at Starbucks, instead of writing people’s names on their coffee cup, I’d write the following: One day, you and everyone you love will die. And beyond a small group of people for an extremely brief period of time, little of what you say or do will ever matter. This is the Uncomfortable Truth of life. And everything you think or do is but an elaborate avoidance of it. We are inconsequential cosmic dust, bumping and milling about on a tiny blue speck. We imagine our own importance. We invent our purpose—we are nothing."
Op, I think you have valid criticisms and real expectations that a lot of people don't realize or just pretend they don't happen. Your family will all die, "yea but they aren't dead yet so f it" When you really think about it both sides are right.
I would recommend therapy, journaling and maybe an antidepressant or some type of drug coupled in with a martial arts to help you exist in this crazy world, also belief in a higher power cuz at the end of the day: