Cats getting shredded by critics

[Deltron]

I bet if cats were to actually star in this movie, it would be getting better reviews than paddington bear 1 & 2

we shan't tarnish the name of Sir Paddington the GOAT

 

[AnonymityX1000]

I grew up in the 80s abd remember the commercial for this airing a million times a day. It was definitely a phenomenon. But it's still one of those things where it's almost obvious they caught lightning in a bottle at that specific time and it isn't some shyt that will be easily duplicated, especially in a very distinctly different medium. That shyt always looked weird as hell to me as a kid btw. I didn't really know who he was back then, but I knew if they said "Andrew Lloyd Webber" back then that meant it was a big deal. Name rang bells like announcing a Nolan movie now.

Yeah, I just asked a couple of my co-workers about it and one said the play doesn't have much of a narrative it is just a bunch of singing and dancing. That did bring my interest down some. lol

 

[BXKingPin82]

This goddamn site got me so fukked up, i thought thread title said "Cacs."

 

[Deltron]

This goddamn site got me so fukked up, i thought thread title said "Cacs."

 

[TLR Is Mental Poison]

I love when cats love to highside like Catwoman showed us to never make movies about cats again

 

[Able Archer 83]

Once again, fiction has become real life:

 

[Formerly known as...]

CGI looks ass. Wouldn't have watched anyway but that certainly didn't help try to convince me to.

 

[Able Archer 83]

"38 But God giveth it a body as it hath pleased him, and to every seed his own body.

39 All flesh is not the same flesh: but there is one kind of flesh of men, another flesh of beasts, another of fishes, and another of birds."--1 Corinthians 5.38-39

 

[YakSpiller]

 

[BXKingPin82]

I love when cats love to highside like Catwoman showed us to never make movies about cats again

 

[Zero]

 

[The axe murderer]

 

[dabestkeptsecret]

The funniest review is the
“my eyes are burning “

may need to see some of this just for the fukkery

 

[Jx2]

 

[The axe murderer]

The filming of Cats is a difficult matter,

It isn’t just one of your holiday games,

Each actor involved here looks mad as a hatter,

When the trailer came out, we were CALLING THEM NAMES.

It began with Cat poems from old TS Eliot,

In the 80s, Lloyd Webber just put them on stage

That was frankly a bit of a gamble for Andrew, but

Coach-loads of punters made Cats all the rage.

Now Cats is on film, with many a lonely puss

Played by performers of A-lister class.

But the number of mammaries looks frankly erroneous

And tails that appear to emerge from each arse.

There are lots of big names here, names we see daily,

Names that supposedly give us a lift.

Nothing like Jonathan Pie or Bill Bailey,

But names like James Corden, and – yes – Taylor Swift.

The setting is London, it does look post-nuclear

There aren’t any people, so maybe there were

Bomb blasts – or maybe a bio disaster

Causing cat-human mutants with digital fur.

The twitching of ears on their heads is distracting

As they gaze at the greenscreen and sashay and crawl,

It’s weird to behold them all gurning and acting,

And why do so many resemble Darth Maul?

Did director Tom Hooper intend this appearance?

Did it make him feel happy – or cause him some stress?

We have to assume that he gave it his clearance

But THE MAN HIMSELF KNOWS and will never confess.

These are the Jellicle felines of legend,

All elbows and shoulders and undulant arms.

Each male in the cast looks a bit of a bellend,

And those bizarre whiskers don’t add to their charms.

The Jellicles welcome Victoria: a new cat,

Francesca Hayward’s the thesp with this role,

She’s sleek, unlike Corden – well known for TV chat

But it’s his size that reveals that he’s meant to be droll.

And then Idris Elba comes on as McCavity,

(A boomy-voiced villain in anyone’s book)

There’s a prominent gap in his penis locality.

I honestly didn’t … well … know where to look.

As Grizabella, Jennifer Hudson will sniffle

Singing Memory, this movie’s moment of truth.

But it’s warbling warbling warbling piffle

From a bag lady drama-queen obsessed with lost youth.

The Jellicles’ leader is Old Deuteronomy

Judi Dench has this part, looking very bemused.

What’s with that extra big fur coat? You’ve got me.

She looks bewildered and (like us) confused.

Obviously, Ian McKellen is in it,

And he’s got a tatty old topcoat as well.

The other cats’ nude state is clearly permitted.

But why? That is something that no cat will tell.

There’s another cat in it, by name Mungojerrie,

Not the 70s pop group who once raised a cheer,

With their Summertime chart hit that really was very

Much better, more catchy, than anything here.

Ray Winstone’s the creepiest cat in this feature

His Growltiger sends a sharp chill down your spine

With his hissing he looks like he’s having a seizure,

It’s scary – like adverts for betting online.

When you notice these cats in profound meditation

With a digitally created frown on their brow

Their minds are engaged in a rapt contemplation

Of the thought, of the thought, of what on earth to do now.

“Pretend to be cats!” says a director. They reply …

“Me? How?

Cats review – a purr-fectly dreadful hairball of woe | Peter Bradshaw's film of the week
They did a poem. They did a fukking poem review. Lord take me now