I put together an algorithm based on goals scored, goals allowed, passes, possession, and 9 previously immeasurable aspects of soccer, and it turns out the current chances of TEAM USA making the semifinals=100%
The team was wise enough to use the game vs. Germany to rest. Our freedom kickers did the most traveling, expended so much energy, dealt with such a high level of stress... We took it easy against Germany so we could be fresh for Belgium. And somehow we still almost scored a late equalizer against those nazi sympathizers. Truly amazing the sheer will and heart that drives this team of warriors.
Against Belgium, we'll pull out a 3-2 win.
That dude who looks like a combination of Lord Jamar and Brian Grant will play the game of his life. The white guy who looks like Common will be making saves on par with our country's tradition of saving these backward nations with our democracy and military. Bradley will finally stop playing like he's terrified of the spotlight. Clint Dempsey will score a huge goal late in the first half. And the hero will be DeAndre Yedlin, whose goal in the 88th minute will be the difference.
Argentina might not even make it through to face us. Doesn't matter, we'll beat them or whatever irrelevant nation playing them in the first round.
Manifest destiny!
