I'm seeing a lot of lazy excuses in here by you OP. You have to climb the ranks in the military (no shyt, no one is just going to hand you a paycheck), you need a van and cards to get into trades (duh, but you don't just START there, you have to work for it), you need to stop being lazy and just buckle down. You can decide to do plenty of things certs are one of them, but you need to put in work for that too.
I was going to suggest nursing. 2 year program you can start making $30+/hr, work for a year or two and start travel nursing (while you're working, get your BSN most hospitals will pay for it). You can make on the low end $3k/wk. I've seen contracts for $4600/wk sometimes more depending on your specialty and the need.
But you seem to want shyt handed to you, good luck.
I was going to suggest nursing. 2 year program you can start making $30+/hr, work for a year or two and start travel nursing (while you're working, get your BSN most hospitals will pay for it). You can make on the low end $3k/wk. I've seen contracts for $4600/wk sometimes more depending on your specialty and the need.
But you seem to want shyt handed to you, good luck.