Anybody here write poetry and short stories?

[IronFist]

i need to shorten some of my bars

 

[CEITEDMOFO]

im going to try posting a story

 

[IronFist]

So i was at home and i begin to write this let me know what yall think

i want female opinion to so @opulence @biscuitsandbangers @innocentdevil @Phoenix_Knightly23 @KnowledgeIsQueen @flusterose @yeahsaidit let me know what yall think..its like my first time EVER writing a story so just be honest with ya boy (i know majority of yall ladies prolly read novel and stuff so i just want an honest opinion)

It was an unusual cold day in september, Patrick had been standing outside in front of a vacant movie theater. Trash, cigarette butts, and various types of debris canvas the area. Zipping his coat and reaching into his right pocket retrieving his Ipod, he begin pawing with his thumbs fiendishly looking for a specific song. Finally coming across it he pushes play. The sound of Naima by John Coltrane beigins to exerted itself out of the headphones. it had been a favorite of his for a long a he could remember. He enjoyed the somberness of it. The way Coltrane played the horn. Looking Back he could remember how his parents would slow dance to the song in the living room as a young child. "Whoever said it doesnt get cold in San Diego California, surely cant be from here", he said in a low whisper. "Damn" It was only a quarter past twelve on this unusual Thursday afternoon and he had been in a bad mood all week. He had recieve a voicemail message. "When you get a chance I need to talk to you" He recalled the sultry womens voice saying. It was from Denise, a young lady of Guaminian descent, he had been seeing for the last 5 months or so. He knew what the talk was referring to and like most men he dreaded it. He had met her through a mutual acquaintance at a party and exchange phone numbers. Everything had been going smoothly between the two, however for the last week or so she had grown distant in her failure to communicate with him. Now this. He begin to walk past the dilipated theather past the old community jungle gym.

The music seem to express how he felt. Melancholy. Upon reaching on-going traffic he observe the contents of each vehicle carefully inspecting it as it pass by. "Where in the hell is this fool man?!", overenunicating his words and attitude quickly changing. he had been waiting on his good friend Malachi for about 50 minutes. And patience clearly wasnt his strong point. Malachi was the exact opposite of Patrick. While Patrick was soft-spoken and reserve, Malachi was the outgoing and outspoken of the two. They had been knwoing each other since the second grade. Suddenly, an souped up Chevrolet Impala pulled up to the nearby curb. "What it is cuz?" a deep bartione voice ask coming from the car. It was Malachi he had finally arrived. "Where The Hell Have You Been Man?!, Patrick said still standing at the street intersection. "Got caught up blood, my bad. Get in". The inside of the car was of plushed interior and smelled of air freshener. "Whats wrong P", Malachi ask giving Patrick a quizzical look. "Nothing man Nothing. fool can you just drive. Damn". Malachi was a fairskinned black man with chink eyes and a gift for gab. "Nah man i can tell from you facial expression son someone or something is bothering you., he said in half chuckle. " Still work up over Gyspy eyes leaving you that voicemail messge. Gyspy Eyes had been Malachi nickname for Denise upon meeting her at a dinner at Patricks home months ago.

"P, did you even return the messge"
No, Patrick said empathically For what?
P, how in the hell you going to be mad at her for leaving a voicemail son" Malachi ask while turning the steering wheel making his way into downtown San Diego.
"You cant assume what she wants to talk about just because he wants to speak to you. It could be anything blood...Personal Problems. She could be relocating to another area or city...or state. Or it could be more serious that what you think. She could be in Love with your red ass", Malachi said letting the last sentence linger a bit in the air.

"Whenever bruh", P said chuckling it was strange to hear those words----Love---. It was something that was lowkey afraid of.


That all i have so far but let me know what yall think

The ride downtown seem like it took forever with the congested traffic. Quickly changing the subject From Denise, Malachi asked "P, i ever told you how i got my name, never taking his eyes from off the road.

"Nah, i dont think so" , patrick answered.
"Well you know my family is mad religious, right? he continued
"my mother name me Malachi because she said it was one of her favorite chapters in the bible"
You know pausing for a brief second "She said she went into labor reading that chapter, crazy man i swear. Funny how she wants me to be a preacher".

"yeah", Patrick responded
"A preacher.....I cant see it P, Preachers are like pimps man....only difference" he said turning his head from left to right
"they pimping the parishioners in them church pews"
What about you father man. You never seem to talk about him"
"fukk Him", Malachi said turning looking at Patrick with a glare.
"I dont want to talk about him."

Indeed there was tension when asking about Malachi 's father but he wasnt in the mood to ask any questions

 

[Poh SIti Dawn]

Not really anymore, I used to write, but lately I've jotted down some thoughts; here's something I wrote today in my journal while I was at a coffee shop:

"I thought of leaving everything 'there' or 'here'. If I were to walk, ride, or even drive; where would I go? That's something imaginable. A conversation that could be held with a stranger or friend. Over time the two titles had become alike. My friends became strangers and my strangers would soon become my friends. An inevitable cycle that could only be explained through carelessness and thoughts that only consumed myself. As I rose my first actions were to grab my keys and phone, these thoughts were preconceived before a chance was given to think them. My life was my phone, but in Berlin I had lost my phone. Does this mean that I was lifeless during those weeks? Of course not, I'd been reborn with no attachments other than my mind and soul, and for once I was free."

Here's another thought:

"In all honesty when I had began to write my words with French pronunciations' I had became a bit happier. Grow, growing, grew. Realism plagued my thoughts, each of them resting upon my mind like birds on a wire, and some days I wish they'd fly away. Accomplishments were unachievable when I became a realist, but once as a youth ideas would flow endlessly like seems, and some how they would connect. There was no sense of time, but now present time is haunted by the next step, and no thought is worthy enough to think if it is unable to hold importance in the future. My Thoughts, my words, my ideas, are these things mine? I think of he, and she and of course them. Family, children, family, children, children, children, can my actions impact no other than myself whether they be accidental or made with purpose? At times I'd wish that my life were to be played in Jazz. Meaning nothing other than it being simply improvised, no thoughts, no plans, but pure instinctive behavior; truly then I'd be free."

 

[Poh SIti Dawn]

@IronFist I read your story, or writing. It has a good story but the writing isn't so good. You word choice is stiff and because it's so stiff your story comes off as too descriptive, although it's not; it's just odd placement of words.
"The music seem to express how he felt. Melancholy"
It doesn't flow, too complicated; it'd read better
"The music expressed how he felt; melancholy"

"It was an usual cold day in September, Patrick had been standing outside in front of a vacant movie theater. Trash, cigarette butts, and various types of debris canvas the area"
Again, too complicated.
"A cold day in September, Patrick stood in front of an empty theater. Trash and cigarette butts canvased the sidewalk."

Your words can seem forced at times, the story is good but your words aren't effective and your adjectives don't give an description, they just make it difficult for the reader imo.

Sorry if I come off rude.

 

[IronFist]

@IronFist I read your story, or writing. It has a good story but the writing isn't so good. You word choice is stiff and because it's so stiff your story comes off as too descriptive, although it's not; it's just odd placement of words.
"The music seem to express how he felt. Melancholy"
It doesn't flow, too complicated; it'd read better
"The music expressed how he felt; melancholy"

"It was an usual cold day in September, Patrick had been standing outside in front of a vacant movie theater. Trash, cigarette butts, and various types of debris canvas the area"
Again, too complicated.
"A cold day in September, Patrick stood in front of an empty theater. Trash and cigarette butts canvased the sidewalk."

Your words can seem forced at times, the story is good but your words aren't effective and your adjectives don't give an description, they just make it difficult for the reader imo.

Sorry if I come off rude.

Nah criticism is only going to make an individual get better. any suggestions.

 

[drewbreez]

I write short stories and screenplays. I want to write other joints for bread (athlete biographies, guidebooks). Anybody interested in critical feedback, PM me. Lots of experience editing and would appreciate being able to share.

 

[Poh SIti Dawn]

A few things that I've written in the last couple of days, also a quote that I read today that I admired:


"What's so bothersome about life is free will, with an endless amount of choices. The words being said, were they the right words? Did I get the reaction that I wanted? What kind of reaction would I have gotten if I was to say otherwise? I'll never know, and that's what hurts. How can I know which words to choose, which direction to go, what advice to take, when there an endless amount of options."

A quote that I read in this book that contains many of Clarice Lispectors short stories and such:

"Speaking is the easiest way of becoming unknown"
-Fernando Pessou

More from me:

"The shyt has always been there, it just needed something to help it come out"

"The slight fumbling of my book simply reminds me that I am only human. The struggle to flick my cigarette, the coffee dripping from my cup; these are the things that I need most"

"The older I get, the more I feel to think that what I've said is not wrong, but instead the words I've chosen."

"As different as I think I am, the uneasy feeling of being similar always seems to creep up on me, and that feeling itself, is truly what keeps me up at night"


"I'm always hesitant to say many of the things that I feel or think. Not because of the fear of judgment, but rather the sense of unworthiness that I receive from my audience"

I feel to write more, perhaps a story, perhaps about certain accounts that I've had with certain people; I'm not sure yet.

 

[Ziggiy]

@IronFist I read your story, or writing. It has a good story but the writing isn't so good. You word choice is stiff and because it's so stiff your story comes off as too descriptive, although it's not; it's just odd placement of words.
"The music seem to express how he felt. Melancholy"
It doesn't flow, too complicated; it'd read better
"The music expressed how he felt; melancholy"

"It was an usual cold day in September, Patrick had been standing outside in front of a vacant movie theater. Trash, cigarette butts, and various types of debris canvas the area"
Again, too complicated.
"A cold day in September, Patrick stood in front of an empty theater. Trash and cigarette butts canvased the sidewalk."

Your words can seem forced at times, the story is good but your words aren't effective and your adjectives don't give an description, they just make it difficult for the reader imo.

Sorry if I come off rude.

Yo I'd like for you to critique the three poems I posted on the last page. Appreciate all criticism

 

[Poh SIti Dawn]

Yo I'd like for you to critique the three poems I posted on the last page. Appreciate all criticism

Why are you asking me? Because I frequently visit this thread? I'll look at them, in all honesty though: poetry, writing itself is hard to critique. Poetry is something that comes about through inspiration, you don't write meaningless poetry. If you were to ask me to write a poem about this pillow on my couch, I couldn't do it, nor would I attempt to because it doesn't inspire me from within. I figure to become a better poet, rapper, writer, is through self actualization. Be content with your previous work, but look to better your future work.

I'll read over it, hell I'll tell you what I think, but I'm no poet, I've written poetry, but I'm not so fond of writing it, but I'll give you my opinion, but my opinion is meaningless; just be content with your writing.

 

[Ziggiy]

I write short stories and screenplays. I want to write other joints for bread (athlete biographies, guidebooks). Anybody interested in critical feedback, PM me. Lots of experience editing and would appreciate being able to share.

Yo I'd like your feedback. Read this and tell me what you think. I'm open to any and all criticism or commentary.

Why are you asking me? Because I frequently visit this thread? I'll look at them, in all honesty though: poetry, writing itself is hard to critique. Poetry is something that comes about through inspiration, you don't write meaningless poetry. If you were to ask me to write a poem about this pillow on my couch, I couldn't do it, nor would I attempt to because it doesn't inspire me from within. I figure to become a better poet, rapper, writer, is through self actualization. Be content with your previous work, but look to better your future work.

I'll read over it, hell I'll tell you what I think, but I'm no poet, I've written poetry, but I'm not so fond of writing it, but I'll give you my opinion, but my opinion is meaningless; just be content with your writing.

Thanks I appreciate it. I just like criticism and commentary. I understand that poetry is a reflection of the writer's soul, but I figure it never hurts to get people's opinion regarding structure, language, theme, etc. I've seen you frequent this thread and I respect your viewpoint which I way I asked you

 

[Ziggiy]

@drewbreez tell me what you think. But I'm open to any and all opinions from whomever.



"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."

-Khalil Gibran

Like a memory given birth from the deepest yearnings of the mind. A mental picture of wondrous desire that only a partisan of true loveliness could define. There is a power that exists deep within you that continues to intoxicate and attract. An intellect that reflects A memory of light while respect and reverence it refracts. Never dimming does this radiance for even within the eye of the world does it glow. A life such as yours is cherished by history's reminiscence for it is by your example that greatness exits right before us, and anyone who has the perception to know. By your touch there is warmth and by your laugh there is melody. By your speech there is philosophical pondering and by your advice an inner soliloquy . By your joy there is friendship and by your movement there is grace. There is the definition of romantic understanding simply by the radiance of your face. A style unmatched by your dress and a splendor by the shimmer of your hair. A catching of every man's heart when you walk past, so it is little wonder why I myself would stammer and stare. And make no mistake, inspiration is created by your very presence so let this writing come as no surprise or facade. For the amazement that comprises your entire being is most surely the personal handiwork of God. So remember that even though this is one of many proclamations of how fascinating a woman you are, there is one thing to take note. The one thing I find most beautiful about you is that you captivate both my mind as well as my heart and if they could but speak words this is what they would quote.


"A thing of beauty is a joy forever. It's loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness."

- John Keats


“Beauty is simply reality seen with the eyes of love”

- Rabindranath Tagore

 

[drewbreez]

@drewbreez tell me what you think. But I'm open to any and all opinions from whomever.



"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."

-Khalil Gibran

Like a memory given birth from the deepest yearnings of the mind. A mental picture of wondrous desire that only a partisan of true loveliness could define. There is a power that exists deep within you that continues to intoxicate and attract. An intellect that reflects A memory of light while respect and reverence it refracts. Never dimming does this radiance for even within the eye of the world does it glow. A life such as yours is cherished by history's reminiscence for it is by your example that greatness exits right before us, and anyone who has the perception to know. By your touch there is warmth and by your laugh there is melody. By your speech there is philosophical pondering and by your advice an inner soliloquy . By your joy there is friendship and by your movement there is grace. There is the definition of romantic understanding simply by the radiance of your face. A style unmatched by your dress and a splendor by the shimmer of your hair. A catching of every man's heart when you walk past, so it is little wonder why I myself would stammer and stare. And make no mistake, inspiration is created by your very presence so let this writing come as no surprise or facade. For the amazement that comprises your entire being is most surely the personal handiwork of God. So remember that even though this is one of many proclamations of how fascinating a woman you are, there is one thing to take note. The one thing I find most beautiful about you is that you captivate both my mind as well as my heart and if they could but speak words this is what they would quote.


"A thing of beauty is a joy forever. It's loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness."

- John Keats


“Beauty is simply reality seen with the eyes of love”

- Rabindranath Tagore

PM me @Ziggiy with your email address and I can do better with it there. I have thoughts and will give it more than a once-over outside of the thread. Looks like dedicated work you're doing though. One.

 

[Poh SIti Dawn]

@Ziggiy

I like this
"The true answer of why the Sky holds the Heavens and the Earth spins on its axis is simply because you inspire it too"
I also like the part about the pronounciation of your name being the only thing important.

I've skimmed through them, but haven't fully read anything.

I enjoy it, it's not complicated, out of what I read there are certain things that seem unnecessary, but you seem to have no problem with painting a picture, it's just at times your words may reek of unintelligence. And it's not that you're stupid, it may just be your choice of words, it's hard to find the right words, it really is. But the way you described things like Pi, I felt as if it weren't needed and that it was somewhat simple minded, as if you were trying to be deep and kick knowledge. I'm no math major, but the pi reference bothered me. Also, written it sounds like nothing other than rambling, but I understand that it's your thoughts, it seems like it'd be nice to hear you record it, like spoken word.

 

[Ziggiy]

@Ziggiy

I like this
"The true answer of why the Sky holds the Heavens and the Earth spins on its axis is simply because you inspire it too"
I also like the part about the pronounciation of your name being the only thing important.

I've skimmed through them, but haven't fully read anything.

I enjoy it, it's not complicated, out of what I read there are certain things that seem unnecessary, but you seem to have no problem with painting a picture, it's just at times your words may reek of unintelligence. And it's not that you're stupid, it may just be your choice of words, it's hard to find the right words, it really is. But the way you described things like Pi, I felt as if it weren't needed and that it was somewhat simple minded, as if you were trying to be deep and kick knowledge. I'm no math major, but the pi reference bothered me. Also, written it sounds like nothing other than rambling, but I understand that it's your thoughts, it seems like it'd be nice to hear you record it, like spoken word.