Hathaway
Someday, We'll All Be Free
Rant incoming.
Mental exhaustion. We are really struggling out here. Life is far too short man. Having to work a job I absolutely hate in order to provide even though you know deep down there's more to your brief existence than this. You just struggle trying to juggle your responsibilities and your ambitions.
I had a dark moment back in April. My emotions began to eat away at me. I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I got up out of bed around 3 am, kissed my wife and kids as they slept and left. I drove to a park with thoughts of killing myself. Suicide is something I've always thought about but never had the courage to follow through. But this night was different. I felt no fear or emotion. I felt empty. Like I didn't care anymore. Trying to stay sane, I actually called the suicide hotline and when the guy answered, I couldn't even speak. He just opened up and said, "what's going on, friend?" and I just broke down.
We talked for about 40 minutes and I was reminded of my children. My 2 boys and how they need their father. I thought about my fatherless upbringing and how much it hurt not having him around. I could never abandon my wife & kids. Not like that. I returned home and continued my mundane existence, only finding fleeting moments of joy through my family. I'm forever fortunate for my children and wife. I love them so much. My wife doesn't know about that night and she never will.
I talk to her about my feelings all the time. Well, I used to. My feelings are difficult to comprehend and I saw that it was weighing on her because there was nothing she could do to help. She wants to solve all of my problems. But she cannot and it hurts her. So I no longer burden her with these things. I suffer in silence as a man in my position should do. I never want my wife to see me vulnerable like that. She depends on me to be strong and present and I will be that for her even if on the inside, I'm crumbling.
These days, I drown my sorrows in aimless pursuits of pleasure. Porn, masturbation, occasional alcohol. A man has to cope somehow. I have to be stimulated somehow. Addictions are tough but they actually work in my favor as the release of dopamine soothes me and keeps me going. That euphoric feeling eases the pain but never long enough so I'm always seeking that feeling. I'm always seeking stonger releases. Basic porn just doesnt cut it anymore, so I seek out the the more vile and venomous parts of human sexuality that keep me satiated. I disgust myself sometimes, but I can't help who I am at this point. (no, not anything illegal nikka)
I'm so tired of living like this but I'm making due as best I can. I'm trying to find better ways of coping. Believe it or not, expressing myself on here helps. Even though I know nikkas will poke fun and criticize my "dear diary dissertations". It's all good.
Mental exhaustion. We are really struggling out here. Life is far too short man. Having to work a job I absolutely hate in order to provide even though you know deep down there's more to your brief existence than this. You just struggle trying to juggle your responsibilities and your ambitions.
I had a dark moment back in April. My emotions began to eat away at me. I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I got up out of bed around 3 am, kissed my wife and kids as they slept and left. I drove to a park with thoughts of killing myself. Suicide is something I've always thought about but never had the courage to follow through. But this night was different. I felt no fear or emotion. I felt empty. Like I didn't care anymore. Trying to stay sane, I actually called the suicide hotline and when the guy answered, I couldn't even speak. He just opened up and said, "what's going on, friend?" and I just broke down.
We talked for about 40 minutes and I was reminded of my children. My 2 boys and how they need their father. I thought about my fatherless upbringing and how much it hurt not having him around. I could never abandon my wife & kids. Not like that. I returned home and continued my mundane existence, only finding fleeting moments of joy through my family. I'm forever fortunate for my children and wife. I love them so much. My wife doesn't know about that night and she never will.
I talk to her about my feelings all the time. Well, I used to. My feelings are difficult to comprehend and I saw that it was weighing on her because there was nothing she could do to help. She wants to solve all of my problems. But she cannot and it hurts her. So I no longer burden her with these things. I suffer in silence as a man in my position should do. I never want my wife to see me vulnerable like that. She depends on me to be strong and present and I will be that for her even if on the inside, I'm crumbling.
These days, I drown my sorrows in aimless pursuits of pleasure. Porn, masturbation, occasional alcohol. A man has to cope somehow. I have to be stimulated somehow. Addictions are tough but they actually work in my favor as the release of dopamine soothes me and keeps me going. That euphoric feeling eases the pain but never long enough so I'm always seeking that feeling. I'm always seeking stonger releases. Basic porn just doesnt cut it anymore, so I seek out the the more vile and venomous parts of human sexuality that keep me satiated. I disgust myself sometimes, but I can't help who I am at this point. (no, not anything illegal nikka)
I'm so tired of living like this but I'm making due as best I can. I'm trying to find better ways of coping. Believe it or not, expressing myself on here helps. Even though I know nikkas will poke fun and criticize my "dear diary dissertations". It's all good.
